JTAM128
07-08-2003, 08:27 AM
> >>FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES
> >>
> >>How many men does it take to open a beer?
> >>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> >>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
> >>probably never be able to support you.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> >>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
> >>closer to the kitchen sink.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> >>When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>How do you fix a woman's watch?
> >>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Why do men break wind more than women?
> >>Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
> >>pressure.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
>the
> >>front door, who do you let in first?
> >>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> >>A woman who won't do what she's told.
> >>--------------------------------------
> >>I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt
>her.
> >>---------------------------------------
> >>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's! sex
> >>drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
> >>I said, "Dust!"
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
> >>created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither
>God
> >>nor
> >>Man has rested.
> >>------------------------------------------
> >>Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
> >>and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
> >>She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
> >>a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
> >>Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
> >>Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
> >>said the same thing: "You can have mine."
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
> >>it once.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
> >>street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
> >>beautiful.
> >>
>
Alcohol Consumption Warnings
>
> >
> >-----
> >
> >Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
> >manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion the following warning
> >labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
> >happened to your bra and panties.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
> >when you are not.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
> >retard.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over
> >and over again you love them.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are
> >really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
> >converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
> >rug
> >burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion you are
> >tougher,
> >smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
> >laughing WITH you.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> >
> >and finally......
> >
> >WARNING: the konsumshun of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe reel
> >gude.
> >
> >Heaven, I'm In Heaven...
> >Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland - dinner.
> >Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on
a
> >strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet, depriving him of all
the
> >foods he loved.
> >
> >As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into
> >theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
> >
> >St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a tour
of
> >Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, "Your new home," St. Peter
> >told them.
> >
> >Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this
> >going to cost us?"
> >
> >"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
> >
> >Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
> >
> >"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily,
> >representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
> >
> >"What are the green fees?" Marty asked.
> >
> >"This is Heaven," St. Peter said. "You play for free, my friend."
> >
> >Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the
best
> >cuisine Earth had to offer.
> >
> >"How much to eat?" Marty asked.
> >
> >St. Peter replied, "My friend, don't you understand yet? This is Heaven -
> >it's all free!"
> >
> >"I see," Marty said, scratching his chin. "Tell me, is that meal low
> >sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?"
> >
> >"No," St. Peter said. "And that's really the best part: You can eat as
much
> >as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick. This is
> >Heaven!"
> >
> >With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and said,
"#%&@?!"
> >
> >"Marty!" Jane cried. "What's wrong?"
> >
> >Marty glared at his wife. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! If
it
> >wasn't for your doggone bran muffins, I could have been here fifteen
years
> >ago!"
> >
> >>
> >>How many men does it take to open a beer?
> >>None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> >>Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
> >>probably never be able to support you.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> >>It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
> >>closer to the kitchen sink.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> >>When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>How do you fix a woman's watch?
> >>You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Why do men break wind more than women?
> >>Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
> >>pressure.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
>the
> >>front door, who do you let in first?
> >>The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> >>A woman who won't do what she's told.
> >>--------------------------------------
> >>I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt
>her.
> >>---------------------------------------
> >>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's! sex
> >>drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
> >>I said, "Dust!"
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
> >>created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither
>God
> >>nor
> >>Man has rested.
> >>------------------------------------------
> >>Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
> >>and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
> >>She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
> >>a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
> >>Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
> >>Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
> >>said the same thing: "You can have mine."
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
> >>it once.
> >>----------------------------------------
> >>Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
> >>street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
> >>beautiful.
> >>
>
Alcohol Consumption Warnings
>
> >
> >-----
> >
> >Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
> >manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion the following warning
> >labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
> >happened to your bra and panties.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
> >when you are not.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
> >retard.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over
> >and over again you love them.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe ex-lovers are
> >really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
> >converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
> >rug
> >burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion you are
> >tougher,
> >smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
> >laughing WITH you.
> >
> >
> >WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> >
> >and finally......
> >
> >WARNING: the konsumshun of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe reel
> >gude.
> >
> >Heaven, I'm In Heaven...
> >Marty and Jane were driving home after an expensive - yet bland - dinner.
> >Since Marty's minor heart attack 15 years ago, Jane had kept her hubby on
a
> >strict, low sodium, low fat, low cholesterol diet, depriving him of all
the
> >foods he loved.
> >
> >As Marty turned the corner at a busy intersection, another car slammed
into
> >theirs, killing Marty and Jane instantly.
> >
> >St. Peter greeted the couple at the Pearly Gates and took them on a tour
of
> >Heaven. Their first stop was a luxury mansion, "Your new home," St. Peter
> >told them.
> >
> >Looking at the expensive marble floors, Marty asked, "How much is this
> >going to cost us?"
> >
> >"Nothing," St. Peter replied. "Everything is free in Heaven."
> >
> >Next, they visited their new championship-style golf course.
> >
> >"This is your private golf course," St. Peter said. "It changes daily,
> >representing the greatest golf courses on Earth."
> >
> >"What are the green fees?" Marty asked.
> >
> >"This is Heaven," St. Peter said. "You play for free, my friend."
> >
> >Then they went to the clubhouse and saw a lavish buffet made from the
best
> >cuisine Earth had to offer.
> >
> >"How much to eat?" Marty asked.
> >
> >St. Peter replied, "My friend, don't you understand yet? This is Heaven -
> >it's all free!"
> >
> >"I see," Marty said, scratching his chin. "Tell me, is that meal low
> >sodium, low fat and low cholesterol?"
> >
> >"No," St. Peter said. "And that's really the best part: You can eat as
much
> >as you like, of whatever you want, and never get fat or sick. This is
> >Heaven!"
> >
> >With that, Marty pitched a fit: He tossed his halo on the floor and said,
"#%&@?!"
> >
> >"Marty!" Jane cried. "What's wrong?"
> >
> >Marty glared at his wife. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong! If
it
> >wasn't for your doggone bran muffins, I could have been here fifteen
years
> >ago!"
> >