A Brilliant Letter of Complaint ! ! - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 12:48 PM Thread Starter
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A Brilliant Letter of Complaint ! !

Brilliant Letter of Complaint: What follows is a superb example of British
humor in a letter that was truly written and sent. The piece suggests two
things:

1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service
from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in
Britain.)
2) The Brits appear to get a superior education, enabling them to write
some fine letters of complaint.

Dear Cretins...
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
monitoring.

During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that
you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your
office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes --
an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools-such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it,
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is
roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,
it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed
that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I
will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this
letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to
ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments
to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was s**t; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well,
there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended
rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --
shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on
my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from
me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
to deliver.

Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and
will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits

Mike

When the tailgate drops..the bullshit stops
Hunt ethically - Hunt with a trained Retriever !
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 12:58 PM
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HA HA....

I wish I had a vocabulary like that and could spit out phrases similar off the top of my head.



But I'm just a dumb American
post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 02:16 PM
well i got my knee down BUT, i need a new side panel
 
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Good and well versed opinion of the shitty service he received. However funny it may be.....I liked the one about the scottish farmer better.
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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 02:23 PM
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 02:27 PM
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 02:44 PM
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I've got an old ISP provider or two I'd love to send that too. That's too funny!

There is nothing firm, nothing balanced, nothing durable in all the universe. Nothing remains in its original state, each day, each hour, each moment, there is change. Change is the essence of life. Embrace change as you do life. To fight change is to live in the past.
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 02:50 PM
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I didn't know they had SBC in Canada!

<-------- Jeff


Hey baby! You ever been on the back of an expensive sportbike??


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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 03:14 PM
Midnight run anyone???
 
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I should send that over to comcast
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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 05:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by MIGHTIER
I should send that over to comcast
No shit, Comcast is the worst. Their customer service rep ordered a disconnect for our phone lines (without approval) because she didn't like the fact that my wife was complaining about how bad their customer service was.

Imagine my thrill at trying to start a new business and finding our phones dead for three days while they attempted to straighten everything out. By the time they got it up and running and issued a credit, we switched back to SBC (not much better).
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 06:02 PM
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change the header and off it goes to AT&T/Comcast for their amazing service. I just love those twits there.
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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 07:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Pirate
I didn't know they had SBC in Canada!
Hey, hey now, I'm sure you meant to say MCI WorldCom, but, oh my, aren't they bankrupt? And didn't they have the world's largest bankruptcy and fraud? Or perhaps you meant to refer to the convicted felons in the ranks of MCI WorldCom's unemployed?

Maybe you meant to say, AT&T? After all, they only resell SBC's network like most other providers.

Either way, SBC has local employees around here and in thirteen other states working hard to provide a good service all while contributing to local economies and charities.



We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.

We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it.

- Edward R. Murrow
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 08:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by favorednation
Hey, hey now, I'm sure you meant to say MCI WorldCom, but, oh my, aren't they bankrupt? And didn't they have the world's largest bankruptcy and fraud? Or perhaps you meant to refer to the convicted felons in the ranks of MCI WorldCom's unemployed?

Maybe you meant to say, AT&T? After all, they only resell SBC's network like most other providers.

Either way, SBC has local employees around here and in thirteen other states working hard to provide a good service all while contributing to local economies and charities.


In all fairness, SBC hasn't been too bad at home...I had some real issues with the business services when I was working downtown...I guess it's someone else's problem now

On the same note, the local Comcast employees were good, however the rest of my dealings as well as their customer service center were terrible.
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 08:39 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by larryg
In all fairness, SBC hasn't been too bad at home...I had some real issues with the business services when I was working downtown...I guess it's someone else's problem now

On the same note, the local Comcast employees were good, however the rest of my dealings as well as their customer service center were terrible.
Everyone on the board has my work email address and can drop me a note anytime. Others who have had a problem with SBC (I never said we were perfect) have taken me up on my offer and can tell you that SBC has made good. I can't make DSL available where we haven't built it out yet, but I can tell you that I will do the best I can. Doesn't matter if it's home or work, voice or data.


We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.

We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it.

- Edward R. Murrow
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 09:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by larryg

On the same note, the local Comcast employees were good, however the rest of my dealings as well as their customer service center were terrible.
I have to admit, all the comcast techs that have been to my house have been great and I was very happy. It is the idiots on the phone that are the problem (if you can ever get through to them). In fact, one time the tech got into a very 'colorful' argument w/ the phone support people in my house, it was funnier than hell. The conversation went something like this... "you f'ing idiot, i dont need to f'ing do that." "whats that. give me YOUR f'ing id number" "yeah f' you too." click.
I gave him a six pack as he was leaving.
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-25-2003, 10:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by favorednation
Hey, hey now, I'm sure you meant to say MCI WorldCom, but, oh my, aren't they bankrupt? And didn't they have the world's largest bankruptcy and fraud? Or perhaps you meant to refer to the convicted felons in the ranks of MCI WorldCom's unemployed?

Maybe you meant to say, AT&T? After all, they only resell SBC's network like most other providers.

Either way, SBC has local employees around here and in thirteen other states working hard to provide a good service all while contributing to local economies and charities.


Well, call me a monkey's uncle... I have had horrible service for my SBC DSL. That's all. I guess I can't base one bad incident to pass judgment. Sorry.

By the way... I still have your strap that you let me borrow on the Vivid ride.

<-------- Jeff


Hey baby! You ever been on the back of an expensive sportbike??


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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-26-2003, 12:05 AM
Give me the box!!
 
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THat is awesome , I love English humor... I would have sent them a human finger claiming it was from their service man and i am on my way to meet them...weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee


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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-26-2003, 06:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Pirate
I didn't know they had SBC in Canada!

Nope we have Northern Telcom

Sometimes goodbye is your second chance.
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2003, 07:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Pirate
Well, call me a monkey's uncle... I have had horrible service for my SBC DSL. That's all. I guess I can't base one bad incident to pass judgment. Sorry.

By the way... I still have your strap that you let me borrow on the Vivid ride.
Drop me an email at work and let me know what's going on with DSL. I'll do my best to get it resolved for you. If you decide to email me, I'll need to know the number that you have DSL on so I can have one of my folks work the problem.


We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home.

We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty. When the loyal opposition dies, I think the soul of America dies with it.

- Edward R. Murrow
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 09-27-2003, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by favorednation
I can't make DSL available where we haven't built it out yet, but I can tell you that I will do the best I can.
Can you tell if there are any plans to bring DSL to a certain area? I have been out here two years and the only response I get is that it is not available...With all the new construction around us, I can't believe it would be that difficult or expensive to upgrade the older neighborhoods.

On that subject, here is one minor complaint I have...anytime you call customer service, they ask permission to use your account information to offer you other services. Almost every time, they try to sell me DSL and I have to explain to them that it is not yet available in my area. If they were looking at my account information, wouldn't they know that I want DSL and can't have it?
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