A Brilliant Letter of Complaint ! !
Brilliant Letter of Complaint: What follows is a superb example of British
humor in a letter that was truly written and sent. The piece suggests two
1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service
from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in
2) The Brits appear to get a superior education, enabling them to write
some fine letters of complaint.
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and
stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and
seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that
you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes
listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes --
an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools-such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone
calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it,
and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet servers downtime is
roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are,
it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed
that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I
will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone
(and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your
office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other
variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no longer reading this
letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to
ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments
to attend to.
Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was s**t; that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever,
could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering
service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well,
there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I
discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a
useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --
shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on
my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I
suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from
me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and
will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits
When the tailgate drops..the bullshit stops
Hunt ethically - Hunt with a trained Retriever !