Gimme your best joke(s) - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
stay classy
 
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Gimme your best joke(s)

Heres a few:

-A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"



- Two men are drunk at the bar. Joe laments that he's in trouble for staying out late, and that his wife will yell at him when he gets home,when all he wants is to go to sleep.

"I turn the headlights off when I turn onto our street, and I turn the engine off and coast into the driveway. I take my shoes off in the garage and creep silently into the house, without turning on any lights. By the time I'm making my way up the stairs, she's up and screaming at me."

The other guy says, "Why don't you do what I do?

"I rev the car up when I pull it into the garage. I make tons of noise when I come into the house, I stomp up the stairs and say, "Baby, I'm home, let's have sex" and she pretends to be sound asleep."



- An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard,(barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,'What the hell is going on here?'

The drunk, still staring down replied:'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'


- This Chinese couple just got married and went on their honeymoon. The first night they were in bed and the husband says to his new wife "I'll do anything you want. Just tell me and I'll do it." His wife replies "I want number 69". The husband goes "You want beef with broccori"?


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil,

'The Light at the End of the Tunnel' has been turned off.
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post #2 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 10:12 AM
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A man is walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Psst… 20 bucks…" she whispers.

He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, it's only $20. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

“What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop: "I didn't know."

"Well," says the man: "neither did I, until you shone that light in her face."
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post #3 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 10:42 AM
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post #4 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 10:51 AM
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RavenR1, Blake, and Gone in 3 were driving really fast down a rural highway. They were stopped by the police. The police told the 3 that if their dicks measured up to atleast 24 inches, he'd let them go without a ticket. RanvenR1 whipped out his dick and it measure 11 inches. Blake says I got this covered and pulls out his dick and it measures 11 inches. Gone in 3 whips out his dick next and it measures 2.5 inches. The officer says it's your lucky day and leaves. As the 3 get back in the car, RavenR1 says we're lucky I have an 11 inch dick. Blake says yeah no doubt we're lucky that I'm so well endowed. Gone in 3 says fuck that you're all lucky I popped a boner.

<---- Useless Mufugga
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post #5 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 10:57 AM
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Neg rep!
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post #6 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 10:57 AM

 
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A black guy will be president one day




To soon?

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SPORTBIKETRACKTIME.COM

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post #7 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 11:02 AM
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overheard at chelsea's wedding this past weekend:

Hillary: 'have you had sex with marc yet?'
Chelsea: 'not according to dad'

visor down
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post #8 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-05-2010, 11:26 PM
Got my new Ride......
 
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Two Drunks

Two buddies, Patty and Phil, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Patty throws up all over himself.. 'Oh, no... Now my wife will kill me!'

Phil says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breastpocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Patty stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Bob says, 'Nowaitaminit, I can e'splain everythin. Itsh snot wha jewthink. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he's was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty Bucks..'

'Oh, yeah.. I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.

- Sam
NESBA #749
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post #9 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-06-2010, 12:15 AM
TOOS Racing
 
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what's the difference between a rooster and a lawyer?















the rooster clucks defiant.
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post #10 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-09-2010, 05:17 PM
Sunny and 70
 
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Joe has a broken leg. Mike comes over and asks, "How you doing Joe?"

Joe says, "Do me a favor, run upstairs and get me my slippers."

Mike goes upstairs and sees Joe's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters. He says, "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."

One girl replies, "Get out of here. Prove it."

Mike shouts downstairs, "Hey, Joe, both of them?"

Joe shouts back "Of course both of them!"
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post #11 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-10-2010, 07:56 PM Thread Starter
stay classy
 
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fu*k it, I'll keep this goin...

-Did you hear about the two gay guys who got into a fight in a bar?

They went outside and exchanged blows.



- What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.


-Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


- You May Be Taliban If....
1- You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2- You own a $3000 machine gun & $5000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3- You have more wives than teeth.
4- You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean".
5- You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6- You can't think of ANYONE you haven't declared jihad against.
7- You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8- You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9- You have ever uttered the phrase "I love what you've done with your cave."
10- You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil,

'The Light at the End of the Tunnel' has been turned off.
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post #12 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 01:32 PM
Shhhhhh.....
 
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Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A: Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.
-Groucho Marx

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post #13 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 01:38 PM
Bug
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Jim Morrison's Fav Joke - Taken from his Auto Bio: "No One Here Gets Out Alive"

Whats the difference between a Clever Midget and a Whore?

The First One is a Cunning Runt

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW, what a RIDE !!"
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post #14 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 01:47 PM
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^ i dont get it bug

418
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post #15 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 01:49 PM
Bug
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dug2 View Post
^ i dont get it bug
Ha

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming WOW, what a RIDE !!"
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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 01:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dug2 View Post
^ i dont get it bug
you need a lil' bit of dyslexia to get what the second one is.

13 Street Triple 675- Bluebarry
09 Ninja 250r- track



Resident Lube Expert.
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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
stay classy
 
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What's the difference between a magician's wand and a policeman's nightstick.
One's for cunning stunts, and the other...


Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil,

'The Light at the End of the Tunnel' has been turned off.
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 01:57 PM
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Blind guy walks into a bar with a seeing eye dog. He sits at the bar and orders a shot and a beer. He pounds them down, and orders the same thing again. The blind guy pounds them down, then grabs his seeing eye dog by the tail, and swings it around over his head. Bartender screams, "Hey! What are you doing?!?"













Blind guy says, "Just looking around".
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 02:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave13 View Post
"Just looking around".


wht's the difference between an astronaut and michael jackson?




one walks on the moon, and the other likes little boys

visor down
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 02:10 PM
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.
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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 02:11 PM
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In Greece, how do you seperate the men from the boys?

With a crobar.
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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 02:18 PM
auh
בעל השאלה
 
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An Italian guy, French guy and Jewish guy are all sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how good their love lives are. They keep going on and on with the talk until finally they decide to make a bet on who has the best sex life. $100 wager for who can make their wife scream the longest.

One week later they all meet back at the same bar to find out who wins.

The French guy starts off, "I'm the winner of this one. I picked my wife up from work, cooked her a lovely dinner, champagne and strawberrys for dessert. Then I made her a nice bubble bath, we made love and she screamed for an hour!"

The Italian guys says, "Sorry, but I have you beat. I took my wife out for a romantic meal. We saw a lovely play. I took her home, lit some candles and gave her a massage. We made love and she screamed for 2 hours!"

Jewish guy looks over at the other two guys and says, "Sorry guys, I got you both beat. I went home, shtooped my wife for 10 minutes, wiped my schmekel on the curtains and she's still screaming!"

...
more to come later
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-12-2010, 09:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blake View Post
What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only one retarded thing has come out of her vagina.
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
i want to laugh but feel like i'll go straight to hell!
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-25-2010, 10:26 PM
Got my new Ride......
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragu113 View Post
ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
i want to laugh but feel like i'll go straight to hell!

- Sam
NESBA #749
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-25-2010, 10:43 PM
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ok..I've got one..

A beautiful, well endowed young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet.


As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.

The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee!

Comes with complete instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter,
‘I'll take one.’

The man packaged the frog and said, ‘Just follow the instructions carefully.’


The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!


The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point.
She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.’

So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, ‘I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over.’

Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The girl welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I've done everything
according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.’

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says:

‘Listen to me!

I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!’
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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-25-2010, 10:47 PM
Got my new Ride......
 
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3 Nuns

OK - got another one. My last joke got me some rep points - but this one is even better. (I'm not sure where I heard it - so hopefully it was not on CLSB).


These 3 nuns die and are on their way to Heaven.

They are just outside the Pearly Gates where they are greeted by St Peter. St Peters says "Sister Mary, Sister Margaret, Sister Kate - sooo good to see you. If you are ready to enter Heaven, we must simply do a last confession - so that your soles are clean of all sin - and then you may enter."

So Sister Mary goes first. She says "St Peter, I am so sorry - but I touched and rubbed a man's xxxx repeatedly with my hands". St Peter says "OK, you must say 2 Our Fathers, rinse your hands thoroughly in this fountain right here, and then you may enter Heaven".

As they are finishing the Sister Mary's confession, St Peter notices Sister Margaret and Sister Kate whispering - and then Sister Kate suddenly pushes to the front of the line.

St Peter says "My my Sister Kate, you will each have your chance to confess to the Lord, why such haste !?"

Sister Kate says "I am sorry St Peter, but I want to wash out my mouth in the fountain before Sister Marget has to stick here Ass in there...."

- Sam
NESBA #749
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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-26-2010, 02:40 AM
yo quiero su taco
 
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There are four types of orgasms:

The positive orgasm: Oh yes! Oh yes! OH YES!

The negative orgasm: Oh no! Oh no! OH NO!

The religious orgasm: Oh god! Oh god! OH GOD!

The fake orgasm: Oh selston! Oh selston! OH SELSTON!
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-26-2010, 11:22 AM
ZOMBIES ON FIRE!!!
 
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so a baby seal walks into a club
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-26-2010, 11:43 AM
You got the talkin' done
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bug View Post
Jim Morrison's Fav Joke - Taken from his Auto Bio: "No One Here Gets Out Alive"
Auto Bio - that's part of the joke, right?

If you ain't with us, then it's just bad news.
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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 08-26-2010, 12:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by selston View Post
... My last joke got me some rep points
Except that the guy's name magically changed half way through it.

WiRiders.com - By Wisconsin riders, for Wisconsin riders
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