Gimme your best joke(s)
Heres a few:
-A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
- Two men are drunk at the bar. Joe laments that he's in trouble for staying out late, and that his wife will yell at him when he gets home,when all he wants is to go to sleep.
"I turn the headlights off when I turn onto our street, and I turn the engine off and coast into the driveway. I take my shoes off in the garage and creep silently into the house, without turning on any lights. By the time I'm making my way up the stairs, she's up and screaming at me."
The other guy says, "Why don't you do what I do?
"I rev the car up when I pull it into the garage. I make tons of noise when I come into the house, I stomp up the stairs and say, "Baby, I'm home, let's have sex" and she pretends to be sound asleep."
- An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard,(barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,'What the hell is going on here?'
The drunk, still staring down replied:'I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.'
- This Chinese couple just got married and went on their honeymoon. The first night they were in bed and the husband says to his new wife "I'll do anything you want. Just tell me and I'll do it." His wife replies "I want number 69". The husband goes "You want beef with broccori"?
Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil,
'The Light at the End of the Tunnel' has been turned off.