church bulletins - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-18-2011, 08:08 AM Thread Starter
Sarcasm in every post.
 
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: 40mi West of the City
Posts: 4,538
Location: 40mi West of the City
Sportbike: '01 ZX-6R, '88 Katana 600
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church bulletins

These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care
much about you.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow..

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered..
--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use
the back door.

--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

--------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Ken.


My Garage.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-18-2011, 09:08 AM
he who is absent foreskin
 
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Location: Northshore - Deerfield
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Location: Northshore - Deerfield
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 03-23-2011, 04:21 PM
Cunning Linguist
 
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Elgin
Posts: 35
Location: Elgin
Sportbike: CB550F
Years Riding: Rebuilding
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Haha.
Love funny bulletin boards, I'm always disappointed when they're just informative.
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