Now Read This!!! - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 11-10-2003, 08:41 AM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
           
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Now Read This!!!

Three men sitting stiffly side by side on a long plane flight. After 30 minutes the man on the left suddenly says distinctly and confidently in a low voice: General, United States Air Force, married, two sons, both surgeons.

A few minutes later the man on the right reveals through a tight-lipped smile: General, United States Marine Corps, married, two sons, both judges.

Several minutes pass before the one in the middle with eyes twinkling, loudly proclaims: Master Sergeant, United States Army, NEVER married, two sons, both generals.
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lisina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Hows about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lisina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. Somma day you gonn coma home and maybe finda you wife inna da bed with anotha man. Whaddya gonna do, shoot the sonna ma betch..... or....... looka ata ya watch an say, "times up"?
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TOP 10 WAYS THAT HANDGUNS ARE BETTER THAN A WOMAN
#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s
#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.
#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.
#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
You can buy a silencer for a handgun
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway if you are able......If not, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
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The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a ..308 rifle."He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
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Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets.

1. The dog lives here. You don't.

2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, she's a dog. To me, she's an adopted daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

5. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats, except they ignore you until you are asleep.
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Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
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Okay, now we're going after colleges I see. This from a friend in Indiana (Anyone from Texas primed with Aggie jokes?)

1. What does the average Purdue player get on his SATs? - Drool.
2. What do you get when you put 32 Purdue cheerleaders in one room? - A full set of teeth
3. How do you get a Purdue cheerleader in your dorm room? - Grease her hips and push really hard.
4. How do you get a Purdue graduate off your porch? - Pay him for the pizza.
5. Why do Purdue cheerleaders wear bibs? - To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
6. Why is the Purdue team like a possum? - They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
7. What are the longest three years of a Purdue player's life? - His freshman year.
8. How many Purdue freshmen does it take to change a light bulb? - None, its a sophomore course.
9. Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco? - West Lafayette. He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
10. Why is Purdue changing to orange as the team color? - They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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