New Decoy Website Launched To Lure Away All Moronic Internet Commenters
October 20, 2011 | ISSUE 47•42
SAN JOSE, CA—With funding from dozens of news outlets and media companies, the groundbreaking Outkube.com launched this week, providing an online destination where pandering and incendiary content is used to lure moronic Internet commenters away from all other websites.
The site has so far proved extremely popular with the worst fucking human beings imaginable.
According to sources, Outkube boasts thousands of articles and forums carefully crafted to draw in dim-witted web users and effectively quarantine obtuse, uninformed comments on topics such as gay rights, Ryan Gosling, the threat of Sharia law in the U.S., health care reform, whether Kobe is better than LeBron, Jewish control of the government and media, the New York Jets, the Second Amendment, and professional wrestler John Cena.
Most stories on the site are reportedly preloaded with several witless and profanity-laden comments specially designed to incite retaliatory remarks.
"Outkube provides an immensely valuable public service," said YouTube CEO Salar Kamangar, one of the decoy website's founders and principal investors. "With its unparalleled expanse of sensational content and lack of filters or character limits on postings, Outkube attracts the broadest possible spectrum of jabbering halfwits—from paranoid reactionaries to know-it-all pricks to racists to plain old dumbfucks."
"Now you can read an article or enjoy multimedia on your favorite websites without having to endure the revolting, barely coherent comments these troglodytes used to leave at the bottom of every page," Kamangar continued. "At long last, a new era has dawned for the Internet."
Officials at Outkube explained the site relies on a set of fine-tuned algorithms to produce and continuously refresh its content. Using up-to-the-minute sports scores, trending search terms, TV viewing statistics, and key phrases from the latest scaremongering political e-mail forwards, the formulas churn out the divisive social commentary and mindless celebrity gossip upon which web-surfing morons thrive.
In addition, sources confirmed that each day Outkube's software produces dozens of new pop-culture rankings, such as "The 10 Most Underrated Bands" or "The 15 Best Sci-Fi Movies Of All Time," which have been shown to occupy some of the Internet's most obnoxious commenters indefinitely, freeing the remainder of the web for actual rational discourse. The new site also caters to its target demographic with a corps of full-time bloggers including Geraldo Rivera, Rosie O'Donnell, and Spencer Pratt.
"This is a godsend," said Kenneth Estenson of CNN, which owns a major stake in Outkube. "We've seen a huge drop in the number of CNN.com commenters accusing one another of being fucking retard dipshits, and the once common practice among users of equating any viewpoint they do not personally share to the philosophy of the Taliban has almost entirely disappeared."
Added Estenson: "It's astonishing. A group of our site's users actually had an intelligent discussion yesterday about the justice system in the Amanda Knox case without being consistently interrupted by speculation about Ms. Knox's tits or her quote-unquote 'taco.' I never could have dreamed this day would come."
Although Outkube sources admitted the site required little oversight—with nearly all posts devolving on their own into heated exchanges over the Koran's alleged endorsement of wife-beating, whether Adam Lambert should get AIDS and die, or the government's secret plan to mentally incapacitate citizens using the HPV vaccine—the site does employ moderators to ensure threads stay as active and idiotic as possible.
"Internet commenters are so inherently dim that, by simply responding to their ridiculous rants with an equally inflammatory statement—for example, by accusing them of engaging in homosexual acts or belittling their favored sports star or political candidate—these imbeciles can't help but react with outrage and continue to engage with our site," Outkube webmaster Sean Hawk said. "They take the bait every time."
"Christ, they're stupid," he added.
Hawk then demonstrated a feature that detects when a user has been idle for more than 15 seconds and automatically triggers a pop-up window containing a photograph of a woman whom the user is asked to rate on a scale of "fugly cunt" to "totally boneable," a tactic that prevents 9 of 10 idiots from leaving the website, according to internal statistics.
Though the site has won praise for providing a much-need service and has already attracted more than 40 million registered users, Outkube has also earned its share of detractors.
"This site sux serios dick," wrote a user known as "19brazzballz86," who left one of the more than 100,000 negative responses posted so far on Outkube's feedback page. "Fuk u!!! hahah a GO GATORS!!!!"