Tools Explained..... - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-28-2011, 10:59 AM Thread Starter
Greg
 
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Tools Explained.....

Tools Explained.....

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of aBITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Greg

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-28-2011, 11:07 AM
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All the truth.
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-28-2011, 11:23 AM
PIKUACH NEFESH
 
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Lot of truth to that.
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 11-28-2011, 11:31 AM
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Nice find.

I remember having an apprentice come up to me with chunks out of his hand after using a drill press incorrectly.

Glenn
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-01-2011, 09:45 PM
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I refuse to admit anything related to any of those comments. What happens in the privacy of my own garage with my own motorcycles is my own business.
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-01-2011, 09:54 PM
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Very true.
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-01-2011, 10:03 PM
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-01-2011, 10:22 PM
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I would have liked to have seen the aerodynamics of a wrench discussed after smashing your hand into a sharp piece of metal.
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 06:34 AM

 
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Put the tools down and step back.

Gus
We offer three kinds of service @ Resurrection
GOOD - CHEAP - FAST
You can pick any two
GOOD service CHEAP won't be FAST
GOOD service FAST won't be CHEAP
FAST service CHEAP won't be GOOD
and cold beer.

I'd love to help but I don't chase parts.
Please contact other forum members and supporters for parts.
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 06:45 AM
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Wow, hit the nail on the head.

Hence the reason I have a first aid kit in garage...

Jon
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 07:06 AM
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What's really sad is how easily I can relate to damn near every one of those.

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NESBA 130-Control Rider (Former Midwest Region)
STT "A" 130
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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 08:13 AM
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I have seen this before ..... it still makes me LOL.


Tom

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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 08:32 AM
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Hahahaha
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 09:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Grasshopper View Post
I refuse to admit anything related to any of those comments. What happens in the privacy of my own garage with my own motorcycles is my own business.
here, here! spoken like a "true" mechanic

418
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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 09:14 AM

 
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^^Hmmm

Gus
We offer three kinds of service @ Resurrection
GOOD - CHEAP - FAST
You can pick any two
GOOD service CHEAP won't be FAST
GOOD service FAST won't be CHEAP
FAST service CHEAP won't be GOOD
and cold beer.

I'd love to help but I don't chase parts.
Please contact other forum members and supporters for parts.
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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 09:56 AM
BSB > WSBK > MotoGP
 
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Quote:
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
Guilty lol

Jeff
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'02 GSXR600
'98
Smokin' Joe's F3
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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 10:47 AM
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The hammer was my favorite.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 10:56 AM
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I have no idea what any of that meant..........

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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-02-2011, 12:25 PM

 
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And to think people that suffer these issues with tools may have good literary skills.

Gus
We offer three kinds of service @ Resurrection
GOOD - CHEAP - FAST
You can pick any two
GOOD service CHEAP won't be FAST
GOOD service FAST won't be CHEAP
FAST service CHEAP won't be GOOD
and cold beer.

I'd love to help but I don't chase parts.
Please contact other forum members and supporters for parts.
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-03-2011, 01:12 AM

 
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Gee so sorry if I ended your thread.

Gus
We offer three kinds of service @ Resurrection
GOOD - CHEAP - FAST
You can pick any two
GOOD service CHEAP won't be FAST
GOOD service FAST won't be CHEAP
FAST service CHEAP won't be GOOD
and cold beer.

I'd love to help but I don't chase parts.
Please contact other forum members and supporters for parts.
resurrection is offline  
post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-03-2011, 04:17 AM
he who is absent foreskin
 
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Way wah Wang

Jordan
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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-03-2011, 04:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by resurrection View Post
Gee so sorry if I ended your thread.
Keep flapping your gums....

Jon
MSF Instructor


<---- Useless

Always Stand For What You Believe In... Even If Means You Stand Alone...
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-03-2011, 09:23 AM
TOOS Racing
 
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the hacksaw one got me this weekend. i felt real retarded when my friend whom was watching suggested that the blade was installed backwards. sure enough, the blade was backwards. and i was the retard that installed it.
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-03-2011, 10:37 AM
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Skill saw was funny. My favorite is pliers and vice grip lol. Guilty of that.

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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 12-03-2011, 04:12 PM
lust for bikes!
 
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whos got a vice grip as a permanent handle on something? holla!

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Quote:
Originally Posted by JRobbins View Post
I agree completely with Steve (nouseforaname)
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