Monday Humor... - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-17-2003, 10:00 AM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
           
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Monday Humor...

Things you'll never hear on a rock band touring bus:

15. God, what a kick playing all those old Glenn Miller stock arrangements
14.. I love it when the trumpet players lay back like that...it makes playing drums so easy...
13. Wow, everyone played perfectly in tune all night long, again
12. The leader got all the tempos exactly right, again!
11. Why is that cigarette shaped so funny?
10. Should we go back for the drummer?
9. Checkmate!
8. Go roll 'em down the aisle all you want. They're only cymbals.
7. So, I just walked her home, kissed her goodnight, and came back to the bus.
6. No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.
5. Why is there porno in the VCR?
4. Can you believe all the money we're getting?
3. Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!
2. No thanks, I don't want another beer.
1. Ladies, I need to see some proof of age please.
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The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
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This just in from Texas.

A scientist from Texas A&M has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and also keeps the nipple from pushing thru the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At the invention's announcement, the scientist was taken outside by a large group of Texans who kicked the shit out of him.

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A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door.

"Is yer pa home?" he asked.

"No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town."

"Well," said the farmer. "Is yer ma home?"

"No, she ain't here either. She went to town with pa."

"Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?"

"No sir, he went with pa and ma."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."

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Two families move from Saudi Arabia to America.

When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet -- in a year's time, whichever family has become more American will win.

A year later when they meet again, the first guy says, "My son's playing baseball, I had McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud for tonight. How about you?"

The second guy says, "Fuck you, towel-head!"
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You know you're in California when...

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the
difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13.. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses
who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S&M,
and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. It's barely sprinkling rain & there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the
4:00 PM Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or
pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-
related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists .
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Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to mostly affect those of us who were born prior to 1970. Symptoms:

1. You send the same e-mail twice.
2. You send a blank e-mail.
3. You send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. You send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. You forget to attach the attachment.
6. You hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. You hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. You forget what it was you forgot.

Watch for it ... It is called the "C-Nile Virus."
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"
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How to take a picture of your new puppy:

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle; sweep up floor.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend of puppy with other hand.
10. Use shirt sleeve to clean nose print from lens.
11. Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
12. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Put peroxide on scratch on your nose. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, No! Outside! No! Outside!
17. Clean up mess.
18. Fix a drink. (No it doesn't matter that it's still morning).
19. Sit back on couch with drink and browse through phone book's yellow pages under "Puppy Trainers."

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-17-2003, 10:26 AM
bwa
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Location: Kalispell, MT
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-17-2003, 10:36 AM
Special Agent Lance Boyle
 
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: planet earth
Posts: 6,707
Location: planet earth
Sportbike: 2010 KX250F
Years Riding: 26
How you found us: Sportbike Network
           
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is pot illegal?

<--------Sticky Nicky
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 11-17-2003, 11:32 PM
Cali's Twisty Tamer
 
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: San Diego, Ca.
Posts: 1,625
Location: San Diego, Ca.
Sportbike: '96 CBR F3
Years Riding: since 98
How you found us: met at Strat's
           
Hey it's Cali....Of course pot is legal.

The optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds...
The pessimist fears this to be true.


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