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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-03-2003, 03:17 PM Thread Starter
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Ha ha

MARK YOUR CALENDAR
We all know that it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does. So this Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America!

***

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies

"OK.Do you have a boyfriend" asked the midwife "No no boyfriend either"

"Do you have a partner then" "No I'm unattached ill be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl. but i must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"

"Well" replies the girl "I'm not surprised i was very down on my luck with no money and nowhere to live and so i accepted a job in a porno movie the lead man was black".

"Oh I'm very sorry" says the midwife "that's really none of my business and i am sorry that i have to ask you these awkward questions but i also must tell you that the baby has blonde hair"

"Well yes I'm not surprised at this either" the girl again replies, "you see another co star in the movie was a Swedish guy".

"Oh I'm sorry" the midwife repeats "that's really none of my business and i hate to pry further but your baby girl also has slanted eyes".

"Yes i imagine it has" continues the girl "there was also a Chinese man in the movie i really had no choice".

At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims "thank god for that!"

"What do you mean?" says the midwife shocked.

"Well" says the girl extremely relieved "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark!"

***

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called MacTavish's. Now the Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th one for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ha, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid and all of this is on the house."

The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears that it's true. "Well," asked the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not meself personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister, Bridget.

***

Last year I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated energy efficient windows. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and I had failed to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go 'round and 'round. I told him no one pulls a fast one on me. Even though I am a senior citizen and used to be a blonde,doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid!

I proceeded to tell him just what his salesman told me last year; that "In one year they would pay for themselves!" So never try to put one over on me..

***

A woman and her boyfriend are in a bar having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it the more excited she gets and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and let's her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar: a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains. First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth and finally you drink the lime juice. So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue - salty but ok. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks - this is ok. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....

At one second the sharp lime taste hits, at two seconds the Baileys curdles,at three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits. This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his
>girlfriend, he swallows the now nasty drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend.

She smiles widely at him and says "So, how did you like it ? It's called 'Blow Job's Revenge.'"

***

On the night of their 40th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out!' "

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's forty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

Kim
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-03-2003, 06:22 PM
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A mother goes to her daughter's one day, and walks in the door to see her sitting naked on the couch. Suprised, the mother asks, "What are you doing?"

Her daughter replies, "This is my birthday suit, when my husband comes home he sees my suit and we have the best sex ever." Shaking her head, the mother leaves.
A week later, the mother goes to her daughter's house only to find her sitting on the couch naked again. She asks, "What are you doing?"
The daughter responds, "This is my Valentine's Day suit, when my husband comes home he sees my suit and we have the best sex ever." Shaking her head, the mother leaves. But thinking about it, she thinks it may work with her husband.
So one day she is sitting naked on the couch waiting for her husband to come home, and after a while he does, and suprised he asks, "What do you think you're doing?"
The wife replies, "This is my birthday suit, now we should have sex and it will be better then ever."
He replies, "It needs ironing, when's dinner?"

<----Jeff
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 12-03-2003, 06:36 PM
Jim
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Appointment
A guy attempts to climb on top of his wife in the middle of the night. She wakes up and says "Sorry darling, I've got an appointment at the gyneacologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh". Ten minutes later the guy nudges his wife and says "You have'nt got a dentists appointment as well have you ?"

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