You're SOOOO Suburban if: - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-19-2003, 12:20 PM Thread Starter
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You're SOOOO Suburban if:

You're So Suburban If...
...you dream of living downtown and then, happily, you wake up. -B. Snow, Batavia

...you wonder if Kohl's (department store) will ever NOT have a sale. [email protected]

...you've never heard a gun shot from the street. [email protected]

...your lawn mower is more powerful than your first car. [email protected]

...your grass is legal. [email protected]

...to you, sex in the city is a show on TV. [email protected]

...your kids have never crossed the street at a stop light. -JimJ, Elk Grove

...your dog's leash matches the color of your jogging shoes. [email protected]

...your kids have never ridden public transportation. -JimJ, Elk Grove

...you think subdivisions are cool. -JimJ, Elk Grove

...you trade in your sports car for a mini van!" -Jodi Rugg, Aurora

...you have the luxury of a 2 car garage, but the cars don't fit in it. -Cathy Polacek

...you built a shed to house your Christmas decorations. -Cathy Polacek

...you have a Jewel, Dominick's and a Home Depot within one mile of your house. [email protected]

...over 15% of your income goes towards the the Illinois Tollway Authority. [email protected]

...your commute is twice as long as what you tell people it is. -Harriet Russo

...you've ever taken a tour bus to a Bear game. -Harriet Russo

You're So Suburban If...

...your visiting relatives mistakingly believe that the local teens go to "Abercrombie and Fitch" High School. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you can calmly talk on the phone while the kids are screaming, the TV is blaring, and the dog is barking. -Harriet Russo

...you love your quaint town of ashpalt, aluminum siding and franchises. [email protected]

...you look at your watch to see if its conceivable that you can take a left-hand turn onto Ogden Avenue without a traffic signal!
- [email protected]

...you think Woodfield is downtown
- [email protected]

...you're definition of haute cuisine is the Corner Bakery. - Jim Marinc, Wheaton

...you're idea of culture is going to the AMC 30. - Sarah Marinc, Wheaton

..,.you refer to all of Chicago as "downtown". [email protected]

....you arrive at a restaurant no later than 5:30pm, so there won't be a two hour wait!
-Lynda Casaccio,Barrington

....when everyone at Dominick's clears the way for your 3 year old doing "pop-a-wheelies" in his kiddie cart. -Lynda Casaccio,Barrington

.....you show up at a party and all the women are wearing black slacks, a sweater set and carrying a Kate Spade handbag! [email protected]

....you would rather stay in the suburbs than opting for dinner and a play downtown. [email protected]

You're So Suburban If...

.....your idea of a home cooked meal means taking a trip to your local strip mall sushi bar. [email protected]

....your electric bill quadruples from your outdoor Christmas light displays. - [email protected]

....the family pet goes to the beauty salon to get it's hair and nails done more often than you do. - [email protected]

....you and your girl friends go downtown to relive the good old days, only to find out that you are twice as old as everyone else and you really do belong back in the [email protected]

....you think the "Magnificent Mile" is the distance between Highland Park and Northbrook Court. [email protected]

....you sued the kid that beat up your honor student [email protected]

....your idea of a fast sports car is a turbo boost button you push in your luxury vehicle. -Jessica Cadwalleader, Bolingbrook

....you pick your dog's haircut out of a magazine. -Jessica Cadwalleader, Bolingbrook

....your family includes Spike, fluffy, tweety, jaws and a hamster yet to be named! [email protected]

....you're scared to parallel park and scrape the wheel rims on your car. [email protected]

...you think Streetwise is knowing all the pedestrian traffic safety laws. [email protected]

...you can admit to doing most of your Christmas shopping at Walgreens. -Mary Ellen McAleese,Wheaton

You're So Suburban If...

...your once a year trip to a major city makes you feel like your on a trip to Disney Land!
[email protected]

...you know your mailpersons name
[email protected]

...you think the "Pass" lane on the tollway means "Free" and drive through without paying! [email protected]

...you've never parallel parked and you worry about getting "door dings" in your car. -Pat Ruff

...you get up at 3 a.m. to start your workday at 9. -Pat Ruff

...you have a panic attack because you have to attempt to parallel park, especially a minivan.
-Kathy Zoppa, Carol Stream

...you drive your van a block to get milk.
[email protected]

...sitting in your open garage on sunny hot day is your idea of a great afternoon.
[email protected]

...when the carnival comes to town it's a big treat. -Angie, Chicago

...crazy, out of control, all-night keg parties have been replaced with tame, weeknight, soda-and-chips Tupperware parties! -Amy Bizzarri, Wheaton

...you know that a backyard family barbeque beats dining at even the most elegant city restaurants. -Amy Bizzarri, Wheaton

You're So Suburban If...

...you always return your grocery cart to the cart rack. [email protected]

...you have no idea if your town has public bus service or not. [email protected]

...your neighbors ask you to turn down your music when you're listening to headphones.
[email protected]

...the theatre you go to is located in the same building your kids go to high school.
-Julie Butterfield

...you look both ways before crossing the street. [email protected]

...you have never parallel parked a car other than in drivers ed. -Mike K. Naperville

...you drop your child at the schoolhouse door, other children in your way you ignore. -Diane Kelly, Crystal Lake

...you think Barenaked Ladies is a strip club. [email protected]

...your friends are your childrens' playmates' [email protected]

...you spend a Spring Saturday sanding, priming, and applying exterior semi-gloss Behr. [email protected]

...your most recent night out was a parent/teacher conference. [email protected]

...you are well-informed about the latest viruses spreading at school and have a cabinet of pediatric pharmaceuticals ready. [email protected]

...your idea of a big evening downtown consists of dinner at Jimmy's Grill and a night cap at Quigleys. -Angela Boling, Naperville

You're So Suburban If...

...you greet the policeman in your city by their first name. -Nicole Craig. Villa Park

...decorate your house for every occasion (even President's Day) -Nicole Craig. Villa Park

...your family's answer to alleviate SUV congestion involves widening the driveway.
-Patrick Riley

...there is a BK, McDoanlds, Wendy's, Taco Bell and a Subway all within the same block all within 5 minutes of where you live. [email protected]

...you don't get this one: "Do you walk to school, or do you take your lunch?" -Harriet Russo

...if you know that Rt 64, North Ave.,Main St. and State St. are the same road. [email protected]

....John Hughes filmed a movie in your high school. [email protected]

...if your idea of a skyscraper is a triple scoop hot fudge sundae from Oberweis Dairy.
-Thomas W.K., Glen Ellyn

....can no longer parallel park when you visit Chicago. [email protected]

...you think the "off-road capability" of your SUV is the fact that it is perfectly level with the Burger King drive-through window.
[email protected]

...you don't lock your doors. -B. Snow, Batavia

...you've ever gotten back at a bad waitress at Friday's (restaurant) by telling him that it was your birthday, when it really wasn't. You just know they hate singing that song. -B. Snow, Batavia

You're So Suburban If...

...the average garage in your neighborhood has 2 cars and one band. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

....you believe strongly that an exclamation point must be placed after the phrase Cosmic Bowling! -Peter Larsen, Naperville

....you suggest a trip downtown and your friend replies "which one?" -Peter Larsen, Naperville

....your minivan is at six basketball games a weekend! [email protected]

....if it takes you five minutes to parallel park. -Kevin Murphy, West Chicago

....your idea of political activism is trying to get the Village to bury your cable lines. -Lisa Swaback, Arlington Heights

...when you finally have an exciting date night downtown Chicago, you find out that many of the parking garages cannot accommodate the height of your mini-van. -Lisa Swaback, Arlington Heights

...yet another diaper malfunctions in the public wading pool, causing all swimmers to evacuate as it is treated for the third time that day. -Lisa Swaback, Arlington Heights

...a delirious rock concert experience is listening to Jefferson Starship perform at the summer park festival as one and two-year-olds stumble, drool and shake their booties all around you. -Lisa Swaback, Arlington Heights

...a night on the town includes the Olive Garden. [email protected]

...you know the difference between Tinley Park, Franklin Park, Melrose Park, Villa Park and Rogers Park. [email protected]

...you don't know how to parallel park and it doesn't matter. -Tanya Landsman, Glen Ellyn

...your out-of-town visitors ended up showing you around Chicago. -Tanya Landsman, Glen Ellyn

You're So Suburban If...

...you've ever purchased a family season pass to Brookfield Zoo to save money on a single trip. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you have ever tried to construct a Prairie in your front yard. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you've moved between neighborhoods so similar that your family was unaware that you are in a different house. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...your not quite sure if your children know words other than "boring" -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you believe standardized test scores equal intelligence. [email protected]

...you sometimes refer to Summer as "Garage Sale Season" - Angela Ferina

...you think the park district fitness center is much better than those fancy, expensive gyms
Angela Ferina

...you believe that the eleventh commandment should be "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors lawn". [email protected]

...your idea of a sports car is a mini-van full of 7 year old soccer players. -Amy Southon, Naperville

...your street is plowed after a 1/4 inch of snowfall. -Mary, St. Charles

...you've never voted for a Richard Daley. -Mary, St. Charles

...you're a Republican, though you wish you were a Democrat. -Tom Schmidt, Elgin

... you know how to get past the rush hour traffic jams to get to your favorite restaurant for the earlybird special! [email protected]

...Sears Tower always appears smaller than your thumb. -Ken Schulze, Downers Grove

You're So Suburban If...

... you put up the top on your convertible as you drive toward a golf course. -Ken Schulze, Downers Grove

... you stop buying golf balls because you're good with waders and a long scoop at night. -Ken Schulze, Downers Grove

...you sell refreshments to golfers as they go by your back yard. -Ken Schulze, Downers Grove

...your neighbor has a two-seat airplane in his garage. -Ken Schulze, Downers Grove

...you understand a distant neighbor's smoke signals and reply in kind while grilling on the barbie. -Ken Schulze, Downers Grove

...your kids have never ridden public transportation. -JimJ, Elk Grove

. . . you use a telescope in your back yard mainly to look at the night sky. -Ken Schulze, Downers Grove

...you plan your weekends around your kids' practices, games, and team meets. [email protected]

...you find it physically impossible to drive by a Krispy Kreme without buying a dozen glazed donuts. [email protected]

...your mortgage could balance the national debt in a third world country. [email protected]

...you have ADT, a rotweiller, and motion detector lights, but no curtains on your window. [email protected]

...you jog 5 miles a day, but spend 30 minutes waiting for a closer parking space at the mall. [email protected]

...you've ever gotten back at a bad waitress at Friday's (restaurant) by telling him that it was your birthday, when it really wasn't. You just know they hate singing that song. -B. Snow, Batavia

...if your idea of a great buffet is the Food Court at the local mall. -Heather L. Genck-Frank, Downers Grove

...your "magnificent mile" is 5,280 feet of fast food restaurants. [email protected]

...your idea of an ethnic restaurant is Taco Bell. [email protected]

...you list "soccer mom" on your resume under Professional Memberships. [email protected]

You're So Suburban If...

...after a romantic dinner out you come home to find your 14-year-old local baby-sitter has not been able to put the kids to bed!! -Giselle Dupuy, Naperville

...you tell people you are from Chicago and you rarely make it to the city! [email protected]

...when you say you are going "downtown," you don't mean Chicago! -Gena Parkhurst, Hoffman Estates

...you think an alley is somewhere you go bowling. [email protected]

...you think public transportation is giving a friend a ride. -Marie Alexander

...a day to downtown Chicago becomes one of your "close-by vacations." -Marie Alexander

...if neighbors meet on the culdesac island and pretend it's a tropical island
[email protected]

....in your town, the "locals" hang out at McDonald's. -Ben T., Geneva

....if you start finding minivans to be attractive. -Michael Piller, Downers Grove

...if your favorite topic of conversation with your neighbor is lawn care. -Michael Piller, Downers Grove

....your teenager immediately throws out any brochure from a College in this Hemisphere.
-Peter Larsen, Naperville

....if the last art exhibit you saw was on your neighbor's refrigerator. -Michael Piller, Downers Grove

....if you spend 6 hours a week toiling in your vegetable garden, when the local farm-stand is going to sell the same vegetables for $.79/lb.
-Michael Piller, Downers Grove

....your garage is your front door. -Kurt Kelly, Des Plaines

You're So Suburban If...

....when you see someone walking or riding a
bike, you assume that either their car broke down, or that they're too poor to own a car. -Kurt Kelly, Des Plaines

....You've never been to an authentic ethnic
owned and run restaurant. -Kurt Kelly, Des Plaines

....You have one of those " my kid is on the honor roll at..." bumper stickers on your minivan. -Kurt Kelly, Des Plaines

....when your children think of wildlife, they think of Canadian Geese, squirrels, and crows! -Terri Hoshell, Warrenville

....you are oblivious to any advertisement that doesn't feature either the phrase "kid-friendly"or "family'". -Peter Larsen, Naperville

....you know at least one: Emily, Brittany, Hunter, Tyler, Taylor, Christian, Sarah, and Kaitlin. -Terri Hoshell, Warrenville

....you pay big bucks to join a health club, but circle a parking lot looking for a close parking space. -Terri Hoshell, Warrenville

...you color code your children's activities on the calendar! -Terri Hoshell, Warrenville

....you are afraid to drive downtown! -Carla Khan

....you have more phone lines than family members. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you've ever cancelled a vacation because you couldn't find a lawnsitter. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you pay your teenage babysitter with a check. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you meet with your children's teachers more often than your children do. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you have a philosophy regarding which playground equipment is most educational. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you do not yet know how to parallel park your minivan! -Amanda Musacchio

...you ask a breadstore clerk which type of loaf the ducks like best

You're So Suburban If...

...your will includes provisions detailing lawn care. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...you wish you could teach your dog to golf. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...your town's noise ordinances specifically mention your cheering at soccer games. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

...all the bars you hang out at are no longer on the "hot strip", but part of a strip mall
-Yvette Healy

...a woman wears a nice dress and pumps with a ski jacket for a coat! -Mary Ann Tobar, Woodridge

...if a road trip means going to Indiana. -Sandra Sanchez, Addison

...if you read Suburban Focus. -Sandra Sanchez, Addison

....you still wear tartan plaids and penny loafers. -Mary Kureja

...if your sports car is a mini-van with sport wheels. -Ed Poczatek, Schaumburg

...you never had to try to parallel park. -Dan Tarka, Woodridge

...you know what speed you have to drive to "time the green lights." [email protected]

...you are only allowed to paint your house an earth-tone color. [email protected]

...you don't know what "corn cakes" are.
[email protected]

...you've ever thought that it is inconvenient that there are only Starbuck's coffee shops in three locations directly along your commute. -Peter Larsen, Naperville

You're So Suburban If...

...it's Saturday, and at Sam's club you end up spending $200 instead of $20 because you just had to have the latest "whatchamacallit." -Debra Jones, DesPlaines

...if your dream car is a "suburban." -Jenny Boe

...the mayor challenges you to a game of pool. -Raider Nelson, DesPlaines

...you participate in contests like finishing this sentence: "You're So Suburban If..." -Raider Nelson, DesPlaines

...you can't always distinguish your pets from your children. -Raider Nelson, DesPlaines

....if you vacuum the mini van once a week for graham crackers. -Valerie & Gervaise Montgomery, Bolingbrook

....if you leave your keys in the car and carry a garage opener. - -Valerie & Gervaise Montgomery, Bolingbrook

....when every home project is a do-it-yourself from the local Home Depot, Hobby Lobby or Michaels. -Valerie & Gervaise Montgomery, Bolingbrook

....if you shovel you snow after it comes and help other neighbors out. -J Hams, Naperville

....if you walk your pet on a rainy day. -if you wait in line at a grocery store for one item. -J Hams, Naperville

...if the new "drive-in" is talk of the town, not the "drive-by." -Kathy Marek

...if you go shopping with your cell phone stuck to you ear. -Pat Ligay

..you have made most of your friends at schoolboard meetings, but have never been on the school board.-Peter Larsen, Naperville

....your idea of going to Chicago is going to the city. -Zee Sims, Forest Park

...the vacation you planned for is at the nearest Holiday Inn. - T. Mahaffey, Aurora

...the lawn is in better shape than your hair. - T. Mahaffey, Aurora

...all your Beanie Babies have first and last names. - T. Mahaffey, Aurora

...you won't buy a new car without checking to be sure the cup holders fist your commuter mug. -Cindy Pender, Oak Lawn

You're So Suburban If...

...your idea of "going out" for dinner means eating at your patio table. -Cindy Pender, Oak Lawn

...you've ever dug up a corn cob in your backyard. -Cathy Polacek

...your "big" date on the town is dinner a Cracker Barrel, then to the $2 movie and having ice cream at Baskins and Robbins.
-April Smith

... the only thing you've ever used a token for was at "Chuck & Cheeses" [email protected]

...you've never had to borrow a quarter to feed the parking meter. [email protected]

... you get your drugs by prescription from your doctor! [email protected]

...you're so suburban, when you say you are going "downtown," you don't mean Chicago! -Gena Parkhurst, Hoffman Estates

...you hang out a Denny's after the bars close at 1am. -Stacie Sprovieri

...you actually know a couple named Biff & Buffy. [email protected]

...you only shovel driveway because no one walks anyways. [email protected]

...12 fluid ounces of coffee costs you more than one U.S. gallon of gasoline. -Joe Nicoli

...your four-year-old's singing is the closest that you'll get to a concert. -Cary Portugal, Wheaton

..."Going clubbing" means getting in your SUV & taking the whole family to the health club. -Susan Populorum, Lisle

...your idea of "clubbing" on a Friday night is to the local chain bookstore to hear live music. -Michelle Palach, Roselle

...you think "the loop" is the car pool line after school. -Judy & Steve Migliorato, Carol Stream

...you think a cultural visit to the city is lunch at Rock'n Roll McDonalds. -Judy & Steve Migliorato, Carol Stream

Blah, Blah, Blah

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-19-2003, 12:41 PM
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My god I think I just turned a year older reading all of that.




HDTony.... Damn glad to meet you!

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-19-2003, 12:42 PM
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You're so suburban if you actually read all the way through this overindulged list of pointlessness.


<-------- Jeff


Hey baby! You ever been on the back of an expensive sportbike??


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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-19-2003, 01:26 PM
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moving to funny papers

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