Weekly Funnies - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 01-01-2004, 03:35 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
           
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Weekly Funnies

Newspaper headlines in the year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.

Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine.

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Holiday Fruitcake Recipe

Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon lemon juice
Ĺ cup nuts
1 bottle whiskey

Procedure:
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Get a large bowl out.
Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink it.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer and beat one cup of butter in the large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry nother tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If fired druit gets stuck in the beatererers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity.
Next sift two cups of salt or something. Who cares?
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin 350 degrees.
Donít forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again and go to bed.

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A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.

"Happy anniversary mom and dad," gushed son number one...."Sorry I'm running late...had an emergency, you know how it is, didn't have time to get you both a present."

"Not to worry," said the dad.... "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and mom still look great dad. Just flew in from L.A. and didn't have time to get you a present... sorry."

"It's nothing," said the father, glad you were able to be here."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello you both, happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing.... so I didn't have time to get you guys anything."

Again the father said, "I really don't care, at least the five of us are together today."

During dinner, the father put down his knife and fork, looked up and said, "Listen you three, there's something your mother and I wanted to tell you for a long time. Well... your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to college. We always knew we loved each other but..... never got around to getting married."

The three kids gasped and said, "You mean we're BASTARDS ?"

"Yep," said the dad....."and cheap ones too"

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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
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The Difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans

Situational Issue: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40 and you are
an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Conservative Answer
BANG!

Texan's Answer
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click... (Sounds of reloading).
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"
Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips...?"
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For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz. of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig!
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The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she has a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, and all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
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More groaners...

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love & get married. Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was brilliant.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bulls--t before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?, Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

I went to a seafood disco rave last week.... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? .. A fsh

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And finally, this open letter by Bill Farmer (used to be on WCCO & now writes/edits an airport newsletter) welcoming all the Atlanta Northwest Airline employees to Minnesota.

This is for the hundreds of Atlanta, Georgia, mechanics and others who will move to the Twin Cities as NWA closes its maintenance base there. This is your lucky day! First, the West Nile fever season here is really, really short. Ditto, malaria & any other dread disease carried by mosquitoes.

1) The bad news is that you'll have to grow accustomed to hash brown potatoes. Grits end at Chillicothe, Missouri.

2) You no longer have to say, "y'all," the most worthless expression in the English language. When you call your dog, for instance, just say, "come." You don't have to say, "y'all come."

3) As mechanics, you'll have a field day taking care of your car from now until spring (late spring, that is, for early spring is not spring, it is really late winter). Remember that old Minnesota weather adage, "April showers bring May plowers."

4) Sell your car. A Georgia car will not survive here. Your car will freeze to death before Halloween. Buy a used car. If you buy a new car it will look like a used car before they can dig it out of the display lot at the car dealership.

5) At first, you may think snow is pretty. Snow is not pretty. By December you will feel as if you are living in a black-and-white movie. And there is a lot of snow. Deep snow. Deep snow that doesn't go away. The reason Northwest Airlines paints its tails red is so they can find the damned things.

6) You will find new loves here. One of them will be underwear that goes all the way down to your ankles. Any underwear above the ankle is considered lingerie.

A few things you may not know:

Beer freezes.
A constipated dog is a good dog.
Ice fishing is a form of mental illness.
Sunrise and sunset are roughly an hour apart.
Jumper cables make an excellent wedding gift.
You will look forward to slush.
Kleenex is covered by your medical insurance.

You must also be aware that, contrary to southern cuisine, there is no Minnesota cuisine. If it's dead, eat it.

When you pack to come to Minnesota, you need only to bring one short-sleeved shirt (and that's only in case you want to fly back home for vacation). Short-sleeved shirts are handed down here from generation to generation. The short-sleeved shirt eason begins July 26 and is pretty much wrapped up by 3:30 on 28th.

You will have to change your allegiances to professional sports teams. Doing the tomahawk chop simply will not play here. People will think you're merely scraping your windshield.

We play a game here called hockey as well. Hockey coaches will kidnap Your children before they even start school, so beware. They'll return them in April. As for baseball, we never know if we have a team or not.

Moving on to religion. There are but two faiths here (pro-stadium and anti-stadium). An agnostic is a person who doesn't care whether we have a new stadium or not.

We have an excellent college system. Unfortunately, it's in Wisconsin, Iowa, or the Dakotas.

Canadian honkers aren't something you see at a Winnipeg strip joint. They're geese.

By law, every vehicle in Minnesota must have a hitch ball. Even hearses.

You cannot smoke anywhere in Minnesota. Unless it's dope, of course.

Minnesotans may laugh at you for your backward politics in Georgia. You can stop that with two words: Pro wrestler.

Judy Garland was born in Minnesota and it took her 16 years of driving through construction detours before she got to the Yellow Brick Road.

Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, hundreds of thousands of miles of rivers and streams, millions of acres of forest, and one Krispy Kreme. Guess where everybody wants to go.

And do not call the homicide division on a beer joint because of what you see behind the bar. That's merely a jar of pickled pig's feet. (See Cuisine comments above).

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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