Driving in Chicago - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 10:35 AM Thread Starter
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Driving in Chicago

For all of you people who don't live in Chicago, I found this to help you drive in it.

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live north or south of Roosevelt Rd.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one. If in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "I-94".which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11. The evening rush hour is from 2 to 8. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot.

When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooooo much fun with that we have added the Elgin-O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix. (Incidentally the 'Elgin-O'Hare' does NOT go to either Elgin or O'Hare).

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period.

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, NW Highway, all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

If asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.

If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin are not ornamental

The Congress expressway (Ike) is our daily version of NASCAR.

The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago.

If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Comisky Park.

If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.

If you go to the Wrigley Field pay the $25.00 to park "Cubs Lot." Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Chicago, there's no place like it!


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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook View Post
hahahaha, nice try. Everyone knows men age like wine and women age like milk. It's a scientific fact!!
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post #2 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 10:41 AM
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Re: Driving in Chicago

Quote:
Originally posted by Jimbo
For all of you people who don't live in Chicago, I found this to help you drive in it.

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-ca-go, or Cha-ca-ga depending on if you live north or south of Roosevelt Rd.
As a displaced Texan I couldn't agree more,

As a southsider I have to say there is nothing north of Roosevelt.

Style is the excuse used by those who have neither the nerve or the intelligence to live their own lives.
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post #3 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 10:46 AM
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Oh and by the way whats with the furniture in the street? I must admit though I'm getting a pretty good chair collection going.

Style is the excuse used by those who have neither the nerve or the intelligence to live their own lives.
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post #4 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 10:48 AM Thread Starter
To Punish and Enslave
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by 916bill
Oh and by the way whats with the furniture in the street? I must admit though I'm getting a pretty good chair collection going.
Every try and move it??? I've seen people get beaten and thier cars smashed for moving it

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Originally Posted by Vcook View Post
hahahaha, nice try. Everyone knows men age like wine and women age like milk. It's a scientific fact!!
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post #5 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 11:03 AM
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The girl i'm seeing now lives by midway and I moved the chairs and parked. This guy comes out of the house screaming as I get out of the car after I'm out he's changing his mind, It's good to be 6'2" and 300#, anyway he say's he's going to trash my truck then I pointed out the two flaws in this chicago plan...

1: I know where you live

2: I know where you live

Needless to say he wasn't expecting someone to stand up to him so I took is chairs and left. Next morning my truck was untouched.

Style is the excuse used by those who have neither the nerve or the intelligence to live their own lives.

Last edited by 916bill; 01-19-2004 at 11:06 AM.
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post #6 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 11:59 AM
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Thats when we get out the hoseand very patiently spend all night adding more and more coats of ice to the guys car.

Or just call up a buddy with a show plow and bury the car




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post #7 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 12:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by GsxrTony
Thats when we get out the hoseand very patiently spend all night adding more and more coats of ice to the guys car.

Or just call up a buddy with a show plow and bury the car
Precisely. No one is more deserving of an ice cubemobile than a parking poacher. That guy who screamed is obviously an amatuer. A real Chicagoan knows it's always better to get even than get angry.

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And I said....."Look here brother, who you jiving with that cosmik debris? Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Zappa 1974
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post #8 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 12:14 PM
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You got that right tony! If you didnt have the hose its amazing how water gets in the key holes! oh sure the lighter on the key woks to get you in but they freeze all over again as you are driving.

We also use to take a gallon of HOT water and slowly pour it over the door jambs. This way when you rip open your car door the moulding has a tendency to "go with" the metal!

Now try and prove anything!

Nice thing about chicago area with chairs is just tell a cop "how this guy moved your chairs and he too is immediately on your side!" "He did WHAT?"

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post #9 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 12:31 PM
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Although not being from chicago i understand that you do not park in the space someone else shoveled out thats very uncool but not as uncool as messing with a mans car so you dont get your butt kicked by stepping to him with it.

As far as trying to prove anything that works from both sides of the street. While I have no personal knowledge of such things I have heard of people waking up to a house with no windows, or thier gas meter gone which is just as chicken shit as messing with a mans car.

I dont think anyone wins in a situation like that.

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post #10 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 01:12 PM
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post #11 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 01:13 PM
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It all depends on who shoveled out the spot!

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post #12 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 01:20 PM
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I could be wrong, but I don't think parking poachers are gonna get too much sympathy from native Chicagoans. Also, I'd be cautious if I were you tangling with a raging resident. 6'2" & 300lbs is a hard target to miss. Be carefull out there bro.

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Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Zappa 1974

And I said....."Look here brother, who you jiving with that cosmik debris? Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Zappa 1974
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post #13 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 02:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by SloRoll
I could be wrong, but I don't think parking poachers are gonna get too much sympathy from native Chicagoans. Also, I'd be cautious if I were you tangling with a raging resident. 6'2" & 300lbs is a hard target to miss. Be carefull out there bro.
I agree Why cant we all just get along, come by my place i'll tap a keg or two and we'll bench race all night... I've got plenty of chairs

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post #14 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 03:16 PM
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My uncle and I had shoveled out a spot once for my grandfather to park in. About a 1/2 hour prior to him coming home, some asshole had moved our horses and parked in it and my uncle went out to tell him to move his car. He told my uncle to move it himself. So that night my uncle and I went out to his car and I pulled the guy's starter and disassembled it and left it on his hood and my uncle poured a quart of brake fluid all over his car.When confronted about it we just told him to prove that we did it. He couldn't and we watched as his car got towed away to get repaired. That spring he had no paint, and by summer he had his car repainted.

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post #15 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally posted by GsxrTony
Thats when we get out the hoseand very patiently spend all night adding more and more coats of ice to the guys car.

Or just call up a buddy with a show plow and bury the car
DONE IT!!!!!!

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy"- Benjamin Franklin

SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook View Post
hahahaha, nice try. Everyone knows men age like wine and women age like milk. It's a scientific fact!!
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post #16 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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once I shoveled a spot for my mom and put cones out, the asshole that lived next to me ran over them and parked. After he left for the day, I put a big bucket of ice out, he hit that like the cones and fucked up the front end.

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook View Post
hahahaha, nice try. Everyone knows men age like wine and women age like milk. It's a scientific fact!!
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post #17 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 04:26 PM
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Cool

I'm southside man myself I would even think steal parking space that been shoveled. The whole chair thing has been sore spot with mayor I hear. He had crews pick chair and couch that people had used tp block there spot. Made anoucement Letting everyone know that it public parking on street.




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post #18 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 04:31 PM
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Actually, the mayor only had the furniture picked up after the snow had melted. His position was (to paraphrase) that you should be careful if you park in a spot someone else shoveled because dis is Chicago, and we all know what happens when ya park in someone elses spot.

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Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Zappa 1974

And I said....."Look here brother, who you jiving with that cosmik debris? Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Zappa 1974
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post #19 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 04:32 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally posted by Justmax
I'm southside man myself I would even think steal parking space that been shoveled. The whole chair thing has been sore spot with mayor I hear. He had crews pick chair and couch that people had used tp block there spot. Made anoucement Letting everyone know that it public parking on street.
"Can't we all just get along"
I heard the same when I lived in Chicago, but at the same time is it fair if you shovled out a spot and somone else gets it? The Mayor doesn't have to worry about this, he has people to shovel for him. He doesn't have to deal with it.

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SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook View Post
hahahaha, nice try. Everyone knows men age like wine and women age like milk. It's a scientific fact!!
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post #20 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally posted by 916bill
I agree Why cant we all just get along, come by my place i'll tap a keg or two and we'll bench race all night... I've got plenty of chairs
What your address? I'll be right over

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook View Post
hahahaha, nice try. Everyone knows men age like wine and women age like milk. It's a scientific fact!!
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post #21 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 05:05 PM
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I helped out my ex-fiance's grandmother once and shovled her spot. I pulled her car out, shoveled, and as I was getting back into the car to back it back in some shithead with Arizona plates pulled right in. So I just back her 1981 Olds Delta 88 4 door right into it. Ooopppss! The guy called the cops and when they showed up I told CPD what happened and said "Officer I started to back up when he flew in and when I stoped I slide on all this ice" The cop looked down and was like oh yea you gotta be careful on those ice patches. The shithead was looking down at completely dry road with the most confused look on his face. The cop left and so did shit head

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Originally Posted by whiteSeatEnvy View Post
lol It's even typed in redneck!

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post #22 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-19-2004, 11:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by SloRoll
I could be wrong, but I don't think parking poachers are gonna get too much sympathy from native Chicagoans. Also, I'd be cautious if I were you tangling with a raging resident. 6'2" & 300lbs is a hard target to miss. Be carefull out there bro.
Gee I was thinking the same thing. Just more places to shoot. I still have about 25 12 gage rounds filled with rocksalt lying around for non lethal use and I'm peaceful. You be careful moving those chairs in the future. People have been shot for doing that multiple times. At a minimum you can expect to get your truck buried.

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post #23 of 23 (permalink) Old 01-20-2004, 06:23 AM
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People in Chicago don't "drive" they kinda of "aim" I've driven in London, after a 8 hour flight, no sleep, the "wrong" side of the road, right hand drive and a stick, I'll take that over driving anywhere on a Chicagolalaland "tollroad" any day

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