Weekly Giggles - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 01-26-2004, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
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Weekly Giggles

The practicality of aging...
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"


Perks of being over 40.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your health plan is beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
5. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....
1. Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
3. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
4. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
5. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
6. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
7. "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
8. Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear- shattering pounding, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole ...it's ten past three in the morning!"
Grandpa Tom was at the Mall with his 5 year old grandson last week when they became separated. The little boy approached a uniformed policeman an said, "I've lost my Grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The youngster replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that .... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T
Pierre, a famous French soccer player, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the famous French soccer player! When I have red meat, I always have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower..."

Pierre tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the famous French soccer player! When I have white meat, I always have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up, Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our French hero rips off her panties, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her beaver. He strikes a match and lights it on fire...

Marie shrieks and dives into the river.

Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "Pierre!!! What the hell do you think you are doing???

Pierre stands up, with a silly defiant French grin, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French soccer player! And when I have dessert -- it is always flambe!!!"

Okay, this one is pretty cool actually. This isn't a joke but it is a clever math problem. If you really do the math and get the mathematical answer then the answer to the question will be pretty easy to figure out. If you look at the answer before trying to figure it out you'll be disappointed because you'll realize it wasn't a joke and you really could mathematically solve this puzzle. Trust me on this one and see if you can figure it out before scrolling down and finding the answer. Cross my heart, it's not a stupid joke.

The mum is 21 years older than the child. In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old as the child.

Question: Where's the father?

Okay, go figure but don't scroll down til you have the answer, you give up or your know you couldn't do algebra to save your life.










Solution :

The mum is 21 years older than the child.
M = C + 21

In 6 years from now the mum will be 5 times as old
as the child.
M + 6 = (C + 6) x 5

C + 21 + 6 = (C + 6) x 5
C + 27 = 5C + 30
-3 = 4C
C = -3/4

The child is -3/4 years old, it'll be born in 9 months. So right now, the father is on top of the mother.

CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 01-26-2004, 11:38 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Spring Grove, IL
Posts: 18,082
Location: Spring Grove, IL
Sportbike: yz250f
Years Riding: 25 years
How you found us: dont recall
very very nice !! Thanks for posting


When the tailgate drops..the bullshit stops
Hunt ethically - Hunt with a trained Retriever !
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 01-27-2004, 02:48 PM
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 408
That was pretty good, THanks
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