Friday Funnies - Chicagoland Sportbikes
Chicagoland Sportbikes
 
The Funny Papers got some funny stuff? Make us laugh.

 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2004, 10:39 AM Thread Starter
Old Squid on a Blade
 
Blade Runner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Carpentersville
Posts: 9,389
Location: Carpentersville
Sportbike: 2000 929
Years Riding: Longer than most of you have been alive. And I'm still slow.
How you found us: The voices in my head told me to come here
           
Friday Funnies

hese are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published
by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges
were actually taking place.

Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.

Q. What is your date of birth?
A. July 15th
Q. What year?
A. Every year.

Q. What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A. Gucci sweats and Reebocks.

Q. This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A. Yes.
Q. And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A. I forget.
Q. You forget? Can you give us an example of something you've forgotten?

Q. How old is your son, the one living with you?
A. Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q. How long has he lived with you?
A. Forty-five years.

Q. What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A. He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q. And why did that upset you?
A. My name is Susan.

Q. Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A. We both do.
Q. Voodoo?
A. We do.
Q. You do?
A. Yes, voodoo.

Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A. Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Q. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q. Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q. So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. And what were you doing at that time?

Q. She had three children, right?
A. Yes.
Q. How many were boys?
A. None.
Q. Were there any girls?

Q. How was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Can you describe the individual?
A. He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q. Was this a male or a female?

Q. Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A. No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q. ALL your responses MUST be oral, O.K.? Now then, what school did you go
to?
A. Oral

Q. Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A. The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q. And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A. No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing the autopsy.

Q. Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A. No.
Q. Did you check for breathing?
A. No.
Q. So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A. No.
Q. How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A. Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q. But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A. Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

There is nothing firm, nothing balanced, nothing durable in all the universe. Nothing remains in its original state, each day, each hour, each moment, there is change. Change is the essence of life. Embrace change as you do life. To fight change is to live in the past.
Blade Runner is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2004, 10:48 AM
Moderator
 
Chills's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Naperville, IL
Posts: 23,640
Location: Naperville, IL
Sportbike: Kawi ZX-10R
Years Riding: Since February 2012
How you found us: NESBA bbs
           
Send a message via Yahoo to Chills
Those last two were the best! I would have loved to be in the courtroom when they were said.


Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

I bleed GREEN
Chills is offline  
post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2004, 10:55 AM
Special Agent Lance Boyle
 
Sticky's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: planet earth
Posts: 6,707
Location: planet earth
Sportbike: 2010 KX250F
Years Riding: 26
How you found us: Sportbike Network
           
Send a message via AIM to Sticky

<--------Sticky Nicky
Sticky is offline  
post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2004, 10:55 AM
Slum Overlord
 
bmoney's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Uki Village
Posts: 1,943
Location: Uki Village
Sportbike: 03 GSXR 1000, 02 RM250, 03 TTR125L
Years Riding: considerable time
How you found us: install job
           
Q. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A. Did you actually pass the bar exam?

This one and the last one killed me

the uncarved stone
bmoney is offline  
post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2004, 11:04 AM Thread Starter
Old Squid on a Blade
 
Blade Runner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Carpentersville
Posts: 9,389
Location: Carpentersville
Sportbike: 2000 929
Years Riding: Longer than most of you have been alive. And I'm still slow.
How you found us: The voices in my head told me to come here
           
Yeah, those 2 were my favs.

There is nothing firm, nothing balanced, nothing durable in all the universe. Nothing remains in its original state, each day, each hour, each moment, there is change. Change is the essence of life. Embrace change as you do life. To fight change is to live in the past.
Blade Runner is offline  
post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-19-2004, 11:28 AM
Jim
Tgf Og
 
Jim's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: lith
Posts: 9,851
Location: lith
Sportbike: trek
Years Riding: 2
How you found us: the smell
           
Thats some funny shit!!

Join the NRA, help protect our Second Amendment rights
GO Bears!!!!!!!!
Jim is offline  
post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 03-21-2004, 04:34 PM
Asphalt tastes bad, kids.
 
Honda4Ever's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,544
Location: New Mexico
Sportbike: Boo-Boo('02 Black/Yellow F4i)
Years Riding: 3
How you found us: My brother is on here.
    
Send a message via Yahoo to Honda4Ever
The last two are great.

<----Jeff
Honda4Ever is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the Chicagoland Sportbikes forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Linear Mode



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome