Monday Morning Funnies! - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-17-2004, 09:36 AM Thread Starter
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Monday Morning Funnies!

If you remember The Original Hollywood Squares and its comics,
>>this will bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and
>>answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show
>>responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often)
>>dull
>>as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions,
>>of
>>course.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Do female frogs croak?
>> > > A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long
>>enough.
>> > >
>> > > Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high
>> > > should you be?
>> > > A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>> > >
>> > > Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
>> > > A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>> > >
>> > > Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
>>a
>>man
>> > > or a woman?
>> > > A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>> > >
>> > > Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and
>>you
>> > > think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask
>>him
>>if he's
>> > > married?
>> > > A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get
>>older?
>> > > A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>> > >
>> > > Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I
>>Love
>>You"?
>> > > A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a
>>twenty.
>> > >
>> > > Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
>> > > A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next
>>apartment.
>> > >
>> > > Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with
>>your
>> > > hands while talking?
>> > > A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
>>and
>> > > I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
>> > > A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you
>>going
>> > > to get any during the first year?
>> > > A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing
>>strawberries.
>> > >
>> > > Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
>> > > A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
>> > >
>> > > Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at
>> > > nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
>> > > A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
>> > >
>> > > Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the
>>closet?
>> > > A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the
>>bedroom.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Can boys join the CampFireGirls?
>> > > A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
>> > >
>> > > Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What
>>will
>> > > a goose do?
>> > > A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
>> > >
>> > > Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give
>>birth
>>to?
>> > > A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the
>>dark.
>> > >
>> > > Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with
>>getting
>> > > into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
>> > > A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
>> > >
>> > > Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo!
>> > > Poo! Poo!" What does this mean?
>> > > A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
>> > >
>> > > Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what
>>is
>>it?
>> > > A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't
>>neglected.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
>>his
>> > > head, what was he trying to do?
>> > > A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
>>or
>> > > your elephant?
>> > > A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
>> > >
>> > > Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
>> > > A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to
>>him.
>> > >
>> > > Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
>>them
>> > > and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are
>>they?
>> > > A. Charley Weaver: His feet
>> > >
>> > > Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should
>>never
>>do in
>> > bed?
>> > > A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh

Mike

When the tailgate drops..the bullshit stops
Hunt ethically - Hunt with a trained Retriever !
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-17-2004, 11:03 AM
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-20-2004, 05:40 AM
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Grant me the Serenity to accept the fact that I can't pass them all,
The Courage to pass most...
And the Wisdom to hide the bodies of those who refuse to
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-20-2004, 06:17 AM
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Those were awesome!!!! If only i could be so quick witted!!

My favs---> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? **A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to do? ** A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in
them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? ** A. Charley Weaver: His feet





<--Kelly

.

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 05-20-2004, 08:40 AM
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Here's one...

An old farmer in Iowa had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly constructed for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all
went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked."

"I'm just here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth every time

It's better to have it and not need it, than to need it and not have it... http://www.myspace.com/blk_365
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