1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.
2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5) Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10) NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
11) God must love stupid people; he made so many.
12) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
14) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
15) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
17) Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
18) Procrastinate Now!
19) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.
20) A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
23) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
25) A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up three thousand
times the memory on your computer.
26) HAM AND EGGS -- A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a
27) The trouble with life is there's no background music