Airline Humor - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 11:00 AM Thread Starter
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Airline Humor

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

2. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane.

4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, it's
sure as hell everything has shifted."

7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt; and, if
you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised.

8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child,
pick your favorite.

9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

10."Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

11."Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children
or other adults acting like children."

12."As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13.And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14.Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault ... it was the asphalt."

15.Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"

16.Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

17.An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a
cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no,
Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we
land, or were we shot down?"

18.After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

19.Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,
we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20.A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot
coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in
Coach yelled, ""That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"



Last edited by Ohfugit; 08-17-2004 at 11:30 AM.
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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 11:24 AM
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 11:25 AM
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Looks like you're missing the last part of the last anecdote, Dee.

BTW... Good ones.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

I bleed GREEN
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 11:27 AM
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That's it?? We don't get the rest of the joke??

"That's nothing. Y ???

That's nothing. You should see the back of mine??
Is that how it goes?? DON'T LEAVE US IN SUSPENSE!!! Oh, the humanity!!!

I have one that I witnessed in person. I flew home into Midway from somewhere... I don't remember where. But there was someone in our gate already. So, we had to taxi around and wait for them to get out of our terminal. Well, since 911 had the whole security thing in an uproar, the flight attendant came on and said... "please remain seated until we have reached the terminal. If you don't remain seated, your luggage will drop from the bottom of the plane, and you will be unable to retreive it." It got a little chuckle from the crowd, but I had to roll my eyes. What made it better was the fact that some dude had to pee so bad and they wouldn't let him. He was SCREAMING at them everytime he would stand up and try to run to the jon! HE finally just ran and said, "You can ask this man, he's a doctor!! I have a problem!" and ran into the pisser!! The whole plane burst into laughter!

<-------- Jeff


Hey baby! You ever been on the back of an expensive sportbike??


Property of Evil Monkey Racing
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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ok Fixed..

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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 11:30 AM
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 11:55 AM
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-17-2004, 12:17 PM
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haha

<--- I'm Chuckie...Wanna Plaaaay???

2k7 honda crv
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