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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 10:43 AM Thread Starter
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Time for some humor!

got this from a buddy, who's batchelor party is conviently this weekend...

Chris


How many times have you woken up in the morning
after a hard night of drinking
and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As hard
as you try, you cannot piece together your return
journey from the pub to your house.

- The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer
Scooter...

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport,
owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the
Roman god of wine.

Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the
worship of the Roman Pantheon, and has bought a
large batch of these magical devices.

- How often have you been on one????????

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of
drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give
off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends
down a winged Beer Scooter. The scooter scoops
up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom
via a TDP (Trans-Dimensional Portal).
This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the
passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.
This answers the second question after a night out:
'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety
record and are thought to be responsible for over 90%
of all UDI's (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the
destruction of time segments during the trip.
The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates
that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for.
This answers a third question after a night out:

What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT
(Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that
automatically removes, in descending
order, those parts in time regretted most.
Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily
the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in
discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer
Goggles often cause the
scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus
sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often
with horrific consequences. With recent models
including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a
Scooter drive-thru chain, specializing in half eaten
kebabs and pizza crusts - Another question answered!!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped
with flowers picked from other people's gardens and
Thump-A-Lot Boots (Patent Pending). These boots
are designed in such a way that no matter how
quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake
up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs
ensure that you bump into every wall in the house
and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System)
explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for
some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System).
This explains how one person can apparently
get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows
you to comfortably
get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures,
wearing just a
T-shirt...

NESBA/CCS #142
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Dirtbikes are not submarines
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 11:50 AM
Jim
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 03:11 PM
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Talking

now it all comes together and makes sense
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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:02 PM
Jim
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Star rating on hangovers

1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when
you woke up there were no traffic cones in there with you. You are still
able to function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those
vodka redbulls. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel
as parched as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a
side of fries.
2 star hangover * *
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have
the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to
try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is
craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanor about
the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you
really can handle is some light filing, followed by aimlessly surfing the
net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover * * *
Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and
not so productive. Anytime a girl or lad walks by you gag because her
perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your
alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would
be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a
liter of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a liter of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover * * * *
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for
being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You are
wearing nice clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact
that you either missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving or it looks like you
put your make-up on while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender).
Your teeth have their own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big
vein and your hairstyle makes you look like a reject from the second-grade
class picture circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one of the
following: Home time, doughnut and somewhere to be alone or a time machine
so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before. You scare
small children in the street just by walking past them.
5 star hangover * * * * *
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and
making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your
mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate
saliva, so our tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the
last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now.
Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your coworkers think that your
dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick
because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ......very
gently.
6 star hangover * * * * * *
You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were
fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until
the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that your bed has been
cleared for take off and is flying relentlessly around the room. No matter
what you do you now, you're going to chuck. You stumble out of bed and now
find that your room is in a yacht under full sail. After walking along the
skirting boards on alternating walls knocking off all the pictures, you
find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to lift the lid before
you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up with your
impersonation of walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your
undies, cuddling the only friend in the world you have left (the toilet),
randomly continuing to make the walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help
usually comes at this stage, even if it is short lived. Tears stream down
your face and your abdomen hurts! . Help now turns into abuse and he/she
usually goes back to bed leaving you there in the dark. With your stomach
totally empty, your spontaneous eruptions have died back to 15-minute
intervals, but your body won't relent. You are convinced that you are
starting to turn yourself inside out and swear that you saw your tonsils
projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It is now dawn and you pass
your disgusted partner getting up for the day as you try to climb into bed.
She/He abuses you again for trying to get into bed with lumpy bits of dried
vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and have a shower
in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not an option.

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GO Bears!!!!!!!!
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:11 PM
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Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
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Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
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Jim, that's just beautiful!

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:18 PM Thread Starter
BEER!
 
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Lindenhurst, IL
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Years Riding: 5
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Along that theme..

I got the Mai Tai fixings!

NESBA/CCS #142
AIM: GroverSV650S
Dirtbikes are not submarines
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:21 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2002
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Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
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Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
           
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Um... yeah, speaking of which... have you set a date yet?

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:38 PM
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funny but next time post that in pieces way to long

www.sportbikechick.net

*"Don't play with fireworks, you'll lose good riding time"
*What don't kill you only makes you stronger.
*Life is to short to exist at only one level at a time.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:42 PM
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Top10 Reasons Roadracing is better than sex

One of the racers sent me this today...

10. Everyone "expects" you to wear leather

9. Nobody thinks twice to why you bring oil & chains.

8. You can brag to women about it afterwards.

7. It's ok to be really loud all of the time.

6. You can re-use the protection.

5. It's ok to bring a machine.

4. If the rubber fails there's no paternity test.

3. You're expected to use knee pads.

2. You could get paid for doing it.

and the #1 reason roadracing is better than sex....Guy's get a trophy when
they finish first.

Last edited by Jack; 08-29-2002 at 04:53 PM.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:48 PM
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Years Riding: Quarter century.
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I'm gonna have to borrow that one!

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 08-29-2002, 04:49 PM Thread Starter
BEER!
 
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Lindenhurst, IL
Posts: 5,970
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Sportbike: '01 SV650S (Pokey!) '02 Honda CR125 (Blockhead)
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Quote:
Originally posted by KBOlsen
Um... yeah, speaking of which... have you set a date yet?

For what..the party? Looking to be October 12. Sept. 28 was bad for a couple. I think I'll post a poll sometime..either day is good for me (so far).

And the Mai Tai taste test...whenever anybody wants to! Most of you have my number..

Ron didn't want to try them. He don't strike me as a guy who'd drink fruity tropical drinks unless he's on a beach.

Chris

NESBA/CCS #142
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