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post #1 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:13 PM Thread Starter
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Talking How To Poo While At Work



HOW TO POO WHILE AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
we
try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For
those
who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a
dump
at work.


CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell
is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know
where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
left
your pants.

FLY BY : The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE : - A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it
did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable
for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel
uneasy.


JAILBREAK : - When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine
gun
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left
the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : - The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
hits
the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up
the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : - Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after
you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER : - A colleague who poos at work and is damn
proud
of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around
the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : - A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This
group
can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers,
and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : - A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you
can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering
the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : - Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : - A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used
in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : - A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the
pooer can poo in peace.

WATERMELON : - A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELETTE : - A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using
Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED : - A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
you
should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as
well as the other bathroom attendees.

<--- I'm Chuckie...Wanna Plaaaay???

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post #2 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:20 PM
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post #3 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:21 PM
yo quiero su taco
 
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I just laughed my ass off at that post. Good one.

"includes 10 used-car dealers or auto repair shops, 11 liquor stores and bars--two of which advertise lingerie fashion shows and a third billed as a "gentlemen's club"--three cut-rate motels and one trailer park. The squat, brick municipal building is next to a currency exchange and a few steps from an adult video store. The bars open at 10 a.m. and close at 6:30 a.m."

Quote:
Originally Posted by admin View Post
Something must be fishy...I am going to go poke around in the back end..
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post #4 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:33 PM
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post #5 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:34 PM
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That was great, Chuckie. I do some of those things... and when I'm gassy I just turn on the fan I have at my desk. It disperses the cloud quickly, then I turn it off. So far no one has caught on.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

I bleed GREEN
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post #6 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:40 PM
yo quiero su taco
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chills
So far no one has caught on.
That's what you think. I'm sure everyone near you is aware of the fact that you fart in your cube. Your little fan isn't fooling anyone. It only serves to spread your stench to those that would otherwise be out of reach of your fumes. They are just too embarassed to say anything to you about it. lol

"includes 10 used-car dealers or auto repair shops, 11 liquor stores and bars--two of which advertise lingerie fashion shows and a third billed as a "gentlemen's club"--three cut-rate motels and one trailer park. The squat, brick municipal building is next to a currency exchange and a few steps from an adult video store. The bars open at 10 a.m. and close at 6:30 a.m."

Quote:
Originally Posted by admin View Post
Something must be fishy...I am going to go poke around in the back end..
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post #7 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whiteSeatEnvy
That's what you think. I'm sure everyone near you is aware of the fact that you fart in your cube. Your little fan isn't fooling anyone. It only serves to spread your stench to those that would otherwise be out of reach of your fumes. They are just too embarassed to say anything to you about it. lol

You are probably right. As long as they keep quiet I'm gonna keep on letting loose.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

I bleed GREEN
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post #8 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 05:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chills
You are probably right. As long as they keep quiet I'm gonna keep on letting loose.

lol

"includes 10 used-car dealers or auto repair shops, 11 liquor stores and bars--two of which advertise lingerie fashion shows and a third billed as a "gentlemen's club"--three cut-rate motels and one trailer park. The squat, brick municipal building is next to a currency exchange and a few steps from an adult video store. The bars open at 10 a.m. and close at 6:30 a.m."

Quote:
Originally Posted by admin View Post
Something must be fishy...I am going to go poke around in the back end..
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post #9 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 07:24 PM
pfft.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whiteSeatEnvy
lol
Pooing in public has to be my absolute biggest fear. Especially at work, where you will have to face those people very day from then on.l
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post #10 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 08:48 PM
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once im in the stall, im all good!!!
i covertly enter the stall, drop the load, then exit the stall as stealthily as possible!!

i use the camo-cough though

my walk of shame is a lil different though:
i have to walk past the kitchen design dept. from the bathroom, which is always full of hot home depot chics, so if ive been in the crapper for long its obvious what ive been doin!!

so what i do is ,once again, make it ito the covert op that it is and sneak past them!!! if they catch me goin in, i sneak out!!! but if i get by them, then i jus chill when i leave!!!

so imma have to add this act to ur list chuckie.....well call it the "SNEAKY PETE"

I am what I am, and I do what I do!!
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post #11 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 09:22 PM
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HOLY SHIT THAT WAS FUNNY!!!! no pun intended!!!!!


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post #12 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 09:36 PM
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...too funny!!!

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post #13 of 25 (permalink) Old 10-04-2004, 10:28 PM
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ok ok, I'll tell my secret. I was just talking about this with my roommate and we were laughing our asses off.

If someone else is in there, I wait until they flush. That way no one can hear it. It like "if a tree falls in the woods...." except it's "if a poo plops in the shitter...."
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post #14 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 12:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chuckie View Post
CAMO-COUGH : - A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when
used

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post #15 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 01:40 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ill_ag View Post
ok ok, I'll tell my secret. I was just talking about this with my roommate and we were laughing our asses off.

If someone else is in there, I wait until they flush. That way no one can hear it. It like "if a tree falls in the woods...." except it's "if a poo plops in the shitter...."


+100!

IDK why... maybe I'm just tired... but that was really funny
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post #16 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 01:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trixie View Post


+100!

IDK why... maybe I'm just tired... but that was really funny
It's the 'distraction stealth shit'


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post #17 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 06:47 AM
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man the bathroom on my floor is like a third world country, they throw the tp on the floor behind the toilet. sewer gas comes up so it always smells, the floor near the toilet also has this slime of stuff. oh i wanna barf just thinking about it. the other bathroom is on the main floor and there are like 6 women located right outside of the door. so they know when you go in and hear/smell you and when you leave, i feel bad for them. oh and never let your pants touch the floor, layer the seat with tp beware of pervs. i have thought about bringing a portable pot and go up to the roof to do the deal.
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post #18 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 09:23 AM
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i saw that about 8 years ago and some of the terms from that have become a part of our (me n my friends) vocabulary. but there are a few items missing it seems. oh well still funny as hell.

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post #19 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 09:35 AM
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"Havana Omelette" was always referred to as the "Air and Water Show" where I used to work.
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post #20 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 09:38 AM
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This list is an oldie.

It was nice in my old building having 25 floors from which to choose. I only really worked on maybe 6 of them, so I never used those. So if someone on the other floors had any idea I just deuced, I didn't know them anyway. Admittedly, the 25th floor was the most frequented though. Something about stinking up the same throneroom as the men that run a huge company...

The guy I sat next to did the same thing. We'd tell each other we're going to one of the floors we didn't support to inform that we'd be gone for a while.

"Cropdusting" entered our vocabulary. We'd cropdust users we didn't like if we felt some gas coming on.

I used to NEVER go except at home or my parents'. F that, I got over it as I got older. Yeah, that was like 3 years ago... Still, never in a public restroom. eew.
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post #21 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 10:08 AM
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The terms I used to use to cover what I was doing with a budy at work was a meeting if I had to take a leak and a conference call if I had to take a dump. Worked for a long time no one ever caught on till we told them what it meant.

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post #22 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-05-2008, 10:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by igor View Post
The terms I used to use to cover what I was doing with a budy at work was a meeting if I had to take a leak and a conference call if I had to take a dump. Worked for a long time no one ever caught on till we told them what it meant.


When I sold cars, it was "walking the lot" if it was a leak and "going for a test drive" if it was when you had to sit down.
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post #23 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-15-2008, 02:33 PM
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post #24 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-15-2008, 06:38 PM
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this thread's got my vote for funniest thread ever!
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post #25 of 25 (permalink) Old 08-15-2008, 06:55 PM
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Well hell at my work. We brag about pooing and getting paid. Then when we are done we talk about how great our poo was, Then the net shitter trys to out do you.

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