Dear Alcohol - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2005, 03:47 PM Thread Starter
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Dear Alcohol

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail,
a beer with the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden
inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions.
While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie & some
stale chips (washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with a Kit Kat
all after a few cheese fries from Steak n Shake and a burrito as big as my
head)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black &
blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify
the last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober? Yet they suddenly become my best friends when a
flash is presented?

5. Beer goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely
do not. Please do not request that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually
know that person. The phrase "let's F***" is illegal from now on. While
I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that
would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.
Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth; acned-up
face; bad breath; beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm
with you & why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have
worn off??

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,
vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to me going to bed/passing out face
down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be
minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.
In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an
answer no later than Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you, From,

Your biggest fan


1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2005, 04:01 PM
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2005, 08:01 PM
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-12-2005, 08:51 PM
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 01-13-2005, 08:06 AM
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I feel like I have been threw that before!

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