Amazon - Review of the Bible
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I liked how it started out, but it got old really fast, April 14, 2005
Reviewer: Joseph Dewey (South Jordan, UT USA) - See all my reviews
I've never read the Bible before, but a lot of friends at work were like, "Dude, you gotta read the Bible," so I decided to read it.
It started out really cool, except for the first part where God was making the earth and the animals, and plants and stuff--that was way too star trek for me.
But the cool part is where Adam and his Eve woke up, like poof in the garden and were naked. I was like, "Rock on, Adam...you're streaking naked in a garden with a naked woman." And, God told them to go forth and multiply like jackrabbits, so I was like, "Whoa, Adam...you rock." But, then I wondered if Eve was ugly or not, because that would put a huge damper on multiplying like jackrabbits. But, then I thought well, if Eve's the first woman that Adam's ever seen then maybe it doesn't matter if she's ugly as sin--kind of like the fat girl that everyone makes out with in jr. high, or the first night you get drunk and wake up with an ugly chick--you really don't know any better at the time.
Anyway, I thought that Adam rocked.
But, then I got to the story of Noah, and I was like..."Dude, this story is seriously messed up." First, God picks a zookeeper to be the chosen one. God is like "Dude, Noah, you're like the Neo, and you have to save everyone. Except, dude, everyone's going to die except the animals. So save the animals, dude."
So Noah starts building this boat for a bunch of animals. And, he's like 600 years old...I mean, like what 600 year old dude can both be a zookeeper and build a boat. If it were me, I'd say to God, "I'll either build your dumb boat or I'll take care of your animals, but not both."
So, I was wondering then what kind of a head trip that Noah must have been on, trying to save all of the animals and build a boat big enough to put all of the animals in...that thing must have been huge! But, I heard they had some good shrooms back then, so I'm sure he ate a bunch of the good shrooms to get him through being a zookeeper. I figure that, because I've got a friend who works in a zoo, and she's high on shrooms all the time.
Well, anyway, he gets all these animals into the ark, and then they must have been on that ark for like one or two years, because Noah keeps throwing these birds off the ark and sometimes they come back and sometimes they don't. But, I don't blame the birds for not coming back, because the ark must have stunk really bad with millions of animals all crammed in there for two years.
And, I wondered...well, if Noah's all doped up on shrooms, then he's probably not a very good zookeeper, and probably thousands of these animals are dying. I remember I had about twenty fish when I was little, and they only lasted for about three days. Except a fish I had called Goldie, and Goldie lasted for a few weeks. And, I tried really hard to make those fish live, except when I accidentally dropped all of the food in the tank. But, my point is that I killed off the fish, and I wasn't doped up on shrooms, so Noah must have killed off a ton more animals than I did.
So, I get to wondering why God killed everyone off but Noah, and I'm thinking..."dude, this Bible is way depressing, because there's just way too much death and destruction, and I'm only on page 25." And, then it got really boring, so I just thumbed through the rest of it, and I didn't ever see any more really cool stories like the story of Adam streaking and multiplying like jackrabbits. It all seemed like more of the same boring Noah stuff.
So, I'm giving it a few stars, because Adam rocked, and he's my hero now. But, the rest of it was really depressing, so that's why I didn't give it five stars.
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