Funny things said in court - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-02-2005, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
bwa
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Funny things said in court

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: and by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school didyou go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-02-2005, 03:52 PM
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Quote:
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
Mel Brooks?

Quote:
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

<--------Sticky Nicky

Last edited by Sticky; 06-02-2005 at 03:56 PM.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-02-2005, 05:29 PM
freaking newbies, man there slow, ha ha ha
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bwa
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-02-2005, 05:45 PM
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Quote:
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
That right there, was one of the funniest things I have ever read!

<---- Sky http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v8.../FIREdevil.gif As of 5.25.05 my bike has 28,000 miles. (Goal of 40,000 by the end of the year.)

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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-03-2005, 10:26 PM
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[QUOTE=bwa]
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
[QUOTE]


ZX9 - THE LEGEND LIVES ON!
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-04-2005, 05:26 AM
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My wife sent me those about month ago, still funny as all hell, sshe has some really good lawyer stories/jokes, unfortunately, for me to attache them here takes a skill I don't want to learn

Sometimes goodbye is your second chance.
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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-04-2005, 12:13 PM
I'd rather be railing :)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bwa
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school didyou go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
This one is just like aviation jokes,
Air Traffice Control: United 859, say Airspeed
United 859: Airspeed



taken from airliners.net

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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-04-2005, 12:17 PM
I wok!
 
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haha my cousin just went to court and said this. The judge asked him after he presented his case. "are you ready to hear my offer."

he responded in the GODFATHER voice, "your honor, make me an offer i cant refuse."

he had to pay a small fine, no points and no guilty verdict.
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-04-2005, 12:26 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by uicsux
haha my cousin just went to court and said this. The judge asked him after he presented his case. "are you ready to hear my offer."

he responded in the GODFATHER voice, "your honor, make me an offer i cant refuse."

he had to pay a small fine, no points and no guilty verdict.
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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-04-2005, 01:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bwa
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 06-08-2005, 12:00 AM
Asphalt tastes bad, kids.
 
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