Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-07-2005, 09:38 PM Thread Starter
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Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There

From the Onion
An oldie, but I had never seen it before....

--------------------
Schaumburg Man Dimly Aware Of Shadowy, Non-Schaumburg World Out There

September 1, 1999 | Issue 35•31

SCHAUMBURG, IL—The worldview of Allen Koechley, a 41-year-old Schaumburg cost-analysis officer and father of two, was mildly shaken Monday, when he briefly became aware of the possibility that non-Schaumburg places exist.

"I was at the Olive Garden by Woodfield Mall," Koechley said, "when I noticed a small sign stating that the restaurant was one of over 1,500 Olive Gardens nationwide. I didn't think about it at first, but later on it hit me: There are only about 40 of them in Schaumburg. Where are all those others?"

"I'm not sure what to think, exactly," Koechley continued. "The non-Schaumburg region would have to be huge--the size of two dozen Schaumburgs, at least. Imagine the sheer immensity of it: the number of Old Navys. The number of Applebee's. The Targets stretching from horizon to horizon. It's difficult to comprehend."

For years, Koechley said, he had been subconsciously aware of the possibility of a world outside Schaumburg. But he had not actively considered such a prospect until recently.

"I guess I figured something must be south of Golf Road," Koechley said. "And there must be something beyond the Bed Bath & Beyond store over on Rand. But I never really knew what it could be. I mean, what else is there?"

Further fueling Koechley's suspicions of extra-Schaumburgian life are the many Woodfield Mall stores that incorporate unfamiliar locales in their names, including Boston Store, Lerner New York and San Francisco Music Box Company, as well as a California Pizza Kitchen on the mall's periphery. Also contributing are reports from relatives and co-workers who claim to have vacationed at such places as Disney World, Disneyland and "up north," none of which are streets in Schaumburg.

Unable to concentrate on his cost-analysis work or his nightly sports viewing, Koechley decided to put his question to the experts.

"We appreciate Mr. Koechley's inquiry, but are unable to answer it at this time," said James Jeffries, head of the Schaumburg Zoning Committee. "We have no records on file concerning any non-Schaumburg locations and only have information on bordering communities as it relates to specific Schaumburg-centric issues. I would advise Mr. Koechley to relax and not trouble himself with matters that, after all, have no bearing on him whatsoever."

"I know they're right," Koechley said. "It doesn't matter to me, not in any real sense, when everything that's important to me is right here in Schaumburg. But as perverse and unnatural as it may seem to other Schaumburgers, I guess I'll always have a sort of dim, nagging curiosity about the outside world."
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post #2 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-07-2005, 11:22 PM
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LOL

Remeber when you used to go on vacation as a kid and other cities looked different and had different stores and types of food you had never seen or tasted before? Man I miss those days. we are a franchise world now and it sucks. Now we go on vacation to see if the walmart in florida has anything different than the walmart in naperville. The issue of souvineers is a joke, it was meant to be something that one could not get at home so others could experience a small part of the world you ventured off too. So now I buy everyone a hat with a cities name on it cause thats the only original thing in any of these areas anymore. Its even getting to the point where accents are becoming less prevalent as we become more "globalized" I remeber when just going south of I-80 would put you in a strange land where everyone talked with a twang. Now I have to get to georgia before i hear that and its only for about 15 miles throught the state because Florida from the south is taking that away since no one is actually from Florida anymore.

Wow my rants are getting longer and longer tonight




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Last edited by HDTony; 09-07-2005 at 11:33 PM.
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post #3 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 06:15 AM
CLSB's Florida Chapter.
 
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ahh the Onion a classic waste of paper.....

-Mopar

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post #4 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 07:40 AM
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Yep.....I could not agree more with Tony on this one. Missing the little "State Spoon" you used to collect? Well just go online and it will be at your door in 3-5 business days.

Very Sad. Iused to LOVE wandering off in the woods finding old wood squatter houses and just exploring. I also remember going to Virginia every year as a kid waiting to play with vast amounts of cousins and going squirrel/rabbit hunting with my uncles. It was so simple then. We would play down in the back fields and go frog gigging. When we felt mischievious we would sneak off to the railroad tracks and follow it to the train tressel. It was a bridge about a 1/4 mile long and from what i remember as a kid it was 50' over the HUGE river. All i could think about was getting 1/2 way accross and a train start coming! Oh the excitement and dangerous level was anticipating!!

Just to set everyone straight.....going down there as an adult that tressel was truly only about 30 feet long and MAYBE 10' off the river.
Man do i miss the psyche of a being a nieve little boy again.......Memories are still good though.
Today kids down there want to go to the bowling alley or look forward to going to Wal-Mart and hanging out all day. Little kids wait in line to ride the 25cent pony at the entrance of Wal-Mart................

Oh how times have changed.......

<--Kelly

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post #5 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 07:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Labdog
Just to set everyone straight.....going down there as an adult that tressel was truly only about 30 feet long and MAYBE 10' off the river.
Man do i miss the psyche of a being a nieve little boy again.......Memories are still good though.
Yeah, now that I live in Cary again (where I grew up) I was running past the house I lived in until 3rd grade, and the whole area seemed tiny compared to how I remember it. I could have sworn the front yard was the size of a football field and it seemd like a quarter mile to the next block, but there were like 3 small houses on my side of the street and the yard was quite small.

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post #6 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
pfft.
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Labdog
Missing the little "State Spoon" you used to collect?
I didn't know anyone else collected those things!!! I still have my collection.
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post #7 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 10:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ill_ag
I didn't know anyone else collected those things!!! I still have my collection.
My step mom collects those. With kids all over the country, she's got quite a few (Dad and her go on cross country trips about once a year). No kids down in the south though, so she doesn't have any of those ones.

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post #8 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 12:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ill_ag
I didn't know anyone else collected those things!!! I still have my collection.

Sweet. When I used to travel when I was younger I always bought a spoon for my sister. I wonder if she still has her collection.

Now I collect shot glasses from everywhere I go. I've got some pretty cool ones.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

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post #9 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 08:12 PM
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That's a funny article.

<----Jeff
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post #10 of 10 (permalink) Old 09-08-2005, 08:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Honda4Ever
That's a funny article.

It'll be funnier if you ever come visit Schaumburg.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

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