Spicy Chicken Wings - toilet humour - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 10:31 AM Thread Starter
Another Polak
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Talking Spicy Chicken Wings - toilet humour

I am an avid lover of hot wings. I search them out. I've sampled the product from literally hundreds of restaurants. Tops among all these restaurants is a Denver area catering service/restaurant named Woody's Wings N' Things. The owner and I have a very competitive relationship -- he will call me and tell me he's got a new sauce that will light my socks on fire, and I will show up, eat a basket of latest creations, yawn contemptuously, and head home to my wife and family.

One particular day Woody called me around 3:00 to tell me he had a new sauce -- one that he had been working on for two weeks. He asked if I "dared" try it. I had had a large lunch with some coworkers earlier, where I had feasted on some extremely cheesy burritos and nachos -- please note for later I do have a slight lactose intolerance -- but Woody was very insistent that these were the hottest wings he had ever created. He had even named them --


Now this intrigued me, so I agreed to come by after work and sample his latest creation. I arrived shortly after six o'clock with a coworker and sat down at a table. Woody came up and, with a devilish smile, indicated he'd be back with my "impending destruction" in about twenty minutes. I ordered up a nice large pint of Fat Tire, a local dark amber microbrew, and waited in anticipation.

I was not to be disappointed. Twenty minutes later Woody arrived with a basket of wings smothered in an orangish-yellow sauce, a stack of napkins, and three glasses of water for me. I bit into the first wing and -- OH MY ****ING GOD -- they were blisteringly hot.

I was in painful ecstasy

My forehead was dripping sweat

My eyes were watering

The skin on my face was blotchy and red

My lips twitched uncontrollably in abject pain

THEY WERE GREAT! I ate the whole basket and told Woody that he had finally made a sauce that conquered me. The rest of the night, at home with my wife and kid, I savored the aftertaste of the wings. They were so hot I believe I had blisters and second-degree chemical burns on my tongue.

Fast forward to the next day.

I am regular. Regular like clockwork. Every morning between 9:30 and 9:45, Mother Nature lets me know that it is time to make my morning poo. I have a favorite bathroom at work where the stalls are large, the bowl is just the right height and is comfortable to sit on, and there is a vent above that blows hot or cold air, depending on the temperature outside.

I dropped my slacks and drawers and placed myself upon my throne. It was not long after I did this that I realized something was not normal. I remembered that I had had a lot of cheese the day before; cheese, since I'm slightly lactose intolerant, makes me constipated. But this was no normal constipation. Nay, indeed it was constipation of Herculean proportions. I was dismayed, but resigned myself to settle in for the long haul.

And then

It hit me

I had partaken of the most devilishly hot wings in the history of the universe

Every single agonizing millimeter I pushed out burned with flame so hot that Dante's inferno would have been a ski resort in comparison. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I felt like I was giving birth to a fire-breathing dragon. The warm gentle air blowing from above reflected off the back of the toilet and under the seat and then wafted back up the front to assail my nostrils. By this time I was sobbing and audibly screeching in pain and terror every time I pushed. Several coworkers had come and gone with all due haste during this birthing process.

Finally, after thirty-two minutes of pain and agony beyond description, I felt the final *plop* as the flaming log of death hit the bottom of the bowl. I was thanking God that **** is tapered at the back end so my ******* didn't slam shut. I wiped, stood to pull up my pants, and gazed with horrific fascination back into the bowl. There lay a log as big around as my forearm and just as long, dyed orange from the hot sauce the night before. It looked at me defiantly. I kicked the flush handle of the toilet, but the Flaming Log of Death was not to be so easily defeated. It was so big and sturdy that after the water evacuated from the toilet, it lay across the length of the bowl like a bridge for unsuspecting people to cross from one side of the bowl to the other. It took me seven more flushes before the raging floodwaters brought down the abomination of my bowels. I still had tears in my eyes from the pain and the triumph. I wandered back to my desk and sat down in my chair.

Wrong move.

It hurt so bad I shrieked in pain. My officemate looked around with questioning eyes, and I quickly told him I had sat on a tack. I immediately left my office and drove to the local drugstore, where I purchased a tube of soothing Preparation-H and a blowup ass donut on which to sit.

It took me three days to recover -- and for three days, I did not poo. I was too scared.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 10:46 AM
I break everything!
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 10:53 AM
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 10:54 AM
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 10:56 AM
Bring it on!!!!
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 11:04 AM
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Blame the cheese, man . . .


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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 11:13 AM
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Oh I've been there

my nieghbor like to get drunk and challange us to eat these little peppers he grows in his garden. I usually end up sitting in my sink at 4 am splashing water on my ass like Jim Carry in Me myself and irene.

HDTony.... Damn glad to meet you!

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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 11:36 AM
Hot-Wire Her With A Pin
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I am reading this while my students are taking a test and it's killing me I can't laugh out loud.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 11:39 AM
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Been there...I once made Jumbalya and gumbo with hot spicy italian sausage, habanero peppers and jalapenos, with some Louisiana sauce as well. One person couldn't eat the gumbo at all, it was hot as hell and everybody who ate it crapped fire for a week.

Think I'll skip the habaneros next time.


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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 11:52 AM
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For all who can relate:

Make Your Own Baby Wipes

To prepare a roll of paper towels to become baby wipes, cut it in half so you have two short rolls and remove the cardboard center. Place a short roll in an airtight, water-proof container (like an old baby wipe box or tupperware container), and pour the solution over the towels. Put the lid back on the box and turn it upside down so the solution is absorbed. Blue shop towels have been recommended by mothers for this. The solution could be kept in a jar and cloth towels dipped in it.

Baby Wipes Mixture

1/8 - 1/4 c oil (mineral or baby oil) 1/8 - 1/4 c baby shampoo

1-1/2 - 2 cups water 8 drops of lavender oil

5 drops of tea tree oil (optional) roll paper towels

Add the baby shampoo last, mix the solution gently.

Another Baby Wipes Recipe

2-1/4 cups water 2 tbsp baby shampoo

1 tbsp baby oil 1 roll paper towels, cut in half

Anti-fungal Baby Wipes

1/2 c. distilled water 1/4 c. vinegar

1/4 c. aloe vera gel 1 TBS. calendula oel

1 drop lavender essential oil 1 drop tea tree essential oil

Note: If baby has a really red, raw diaper rash omit the vinegar.


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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 12:46 PM
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OMG, we go from "anal cars" to "make your own anal wipes"

whats next, anal cheesecake recipes?
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 12:49 PM
King Nothing

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Originally Posted by crashomon
OMG, we go from "anal cars" to "make your own anal wipes"
psst.......I think it reads "Baby Wipes", get your mind outta that other thread!

"When in doubt, use full throttle. It may not improve your situation, but it will end the suspense."
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 12:57 PM
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pssst. back, this whole thread here has been about people "on the can" and people passing poops. So, what did you think the baby wipes recipe was for? The hood of your car?

But you're right, having a baby wipes recipe is good to save ca$h when you do need this type of thing for wiping, um, sensitive areas.

Besides, once my mind is in the toilet, its SO hard to pull it back out!
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 12:59 PM
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I am laughing so friggin hard cause i have been there MANY times!!!

Whats worst is i NEVER learn ANY lesson because ... well... it feels OH SO RIGHT going down and OH SO BAD coming out!!!



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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 01:48 PM
I'm always learning......
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Does anyone but me see the irony that this thread has evolved into a discussion of asswipe paper and the title of the forum is "The Funny Paper"?

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post #16 of 16 (permalink) Old 10-21-2005, 06:15 PM
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You guys have no idea. I love New Mexico, and we have some great spicy food.

Well, I love Mexican food oh so much, that it is like my alcohol. I enjoy it and cannot stop getting it. The next morning I'm on the can crying because I feel that my life is about to be over. I live the experience, barely, and wait to sit for a long while.

That night I just went on and ate more and more. I can't help myself.
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