Ricky Bobby says...
Memorable Quotes from
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)
Ricky Bobby: I'm going fast again!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: How fast is he going?
Lucius Washington: 26 miles per hour.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as a mischievous badger.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake and bake!
Jean Girard: Is that a catchphrase or epilepsy?
Jean Girard: Hakuna Matata bitches!
Jean Girard: Will you be my... Katie Couric?
Jean Girard: You taste like America.
Ricky Bobby: Thank you.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: [On the telephone with Ricky Bobby] Ricky, I think your house is haunted.
Ricky Bobby: Cal, that is a new house! It just has a lot of creaks and moans and groans in it!
Ricky Bobby: Why the hell am I even talking to you anyway?
Ricky Bobby: Be first or be last!
Susan: Ricky Bobby is not a thinker! Ricky Bobby is a driver!
Ricky Bobby: [pauses] Susan, I've never heard you talk like this before!
Chip: [to Ricky Bobby] Are you just going to lets your sons talk to their grandfather like this?
Ricky Bobby: Hell yes I am! They are winners! That is how winners talk!
Carley Bobby: If we wanted two little girls, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman!
Ricky Bobby: [after a girl flashes him] Please be 18.
Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord baby Jesus, we thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominos, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family. My two sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or TR as wse call him. And of course my red hot smokin' wife Carley, who is a stone cold fox.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: MMM
Ricky Bobby: Dear tiny infant Jesus...
Carley Bobby: Hey, um... you know sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him baby. It's a bit odd and off puttin' to pray to a baby.
Ricky Bobby: Well look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin grace. When you say grace, you can say it to grown up Jesus, or teenage Jesus, or bearded Jesus, or whatever you want.
Ricky Bobby: Big Red... If you aint chewin it... then f(beep) You
Ricky Bobby: Well, Let me give you a saying from Colonel Sanders.
Ricky Bobby: I am too drunk to taste this chicken
Ricky Bobby: I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
Lucius Washington: [trying to remove a knife in Ricky's leg] Let's use this knife to pry it out!
Ricky Bobby: Wow. I feel like I'm in Highlander!
Texas Ranger: Old man I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Texas Ranger: I'm all jacked up on mountain dew!
Texas Ranger: One of you turds is gonna get smacked in the mouth!
Ricky Bobby: Pepe le Bitch.
Carley Bobby: [During a fight with grandpa about the children] If we wanted us some wusses we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman.
Ricky Bobby: From now on, it's Magic Man and El Diablo.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does El Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby: It's like Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
Ricky Bobby: I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence!
Reese Bobby: There's nothing more frightening then driving with a live goddamn cougar next to you.
Ricky Bobby: I wanna thank little baby Jesus, who's sittin' in his crib watchin the Baby Einstein videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors.
Lucius Washington: Okay, we have got to get that car back onto the race track or our sponsors are gonna shit a chicken. Now I'm gonna ask you: do any of you guys wanna go fast?
Ricky Bobby: I wanna go fast!
Ricky Bobby: Are we gonna get it on now?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I had a dream where Jesus was a dirty old bum, and I was about to sock him in the face because, well he's a dirty old bum, but then I thought, theres something special about him...
Ricky Bobby: Because it was Jesus right...
Cal Naughton, Jr.: yeah...
Ricky Bobby: [while signing autographs] I'd love to sign your baby!
Ricky Bobby: Boys, How was school today?
Walker: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chips war medals off the bridge.
Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren, and you are raising them wrong
Texas Ranger: Chip! I am gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Turn up the heat!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah! Go on and get some boys!
Texas Ranger: I am gonna seriously kick you in the back of the head
Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on man
Chip: You gonna let your sons talk to me like that. I'm their grandfather. I'm their elder.
Ricky Bobby: I sure am. I love how they are talking to you.
Carley Bobby: If we wanted up some wussies, we would have named them Dr. Quinn and Medicine Woman.
Ricky Bobby: If you ain't first, you're last.
Texas Ranger: Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.
Walker: [the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school] ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
Texas Ranger: I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!
Ricky Bobby: This kinda reminds me of that Highlander movie.
Terry Cheveaux: What? I never saw that. Was it good?
Ricky Bobby: It was nominated for an academy award.
Terry Cheveaux: Oh really? For what?
Ricky Bobby: Best movie made ever.
Opening text: America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936
Susan: Hi, I'm Susan. I painted the car and we had sex.
Reese Bobby: I'd like to have been there to see that.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Ricky, if you turn on the stereo, how do you control the volume on the television?
Ricky Bobby: If you have the stereo on, why would you turn up the volume on the TV?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Cause I like to party.
Crew Chief: Cal, Ricky's passing you.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: You mean he's passing me in my mind? I don't get it.
Crew Chief: No, he's passing you right now. It's really happening.
Herschell: Yeah, well we invented the missionary position... you're welcome.
PA Announcer: Girard is sitting on the pole position, which is a statement of fact and in no way a comment on his sexual orientation.
Bill Weber: Up next on NBC, Ice Dancing to the hits of Mo-Town.
Ricky Bobby: Dear 8 pounds 6 ounces baby Jesus, new born, not even spoken a word yet.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Shake~n~Bake!
[puts hand out]
Ricky Bobby: No. You're the Magic Man and I'm El Diablo
Cal Naughton, Jr.: What does El Diablo mean?
Ricky Bobby: It's like Spanish for like a fighting chicken.
Susan: Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver!
Ricky Bobby: Wait dad. Don't you remember the time you told me 'If you ain't first, you're last'?
Reese Bobby: Huh, that doesn't make any sense.
Ricky Bobby: What?
Reese Bobby: You can be second, third, fourth... when did I say that?
Ricky Bobby: What?, When you came to my school that time, Ive lived my life by that.
Reese Bobby: I was probably high at the time
Reese Bobby: Hey shut up you little pot-licker I'll stick you in a microwave!
Ricky Bobby: This sticker is obstructive and very dangerous, but I sure do like Fig Newtons.
Ricky Bobby: Did that blow your mind, because that just happened.
Ricky Bobby: I hope you have sons. Beautiful, handsome boys. Articulate, educated, and athletic. And I hope they have their legs taken from them, so you can know what this pain is like.
Lucius Washington: [enraged] Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby! You are NOT paralyzed!
Ricky Bobby: Nobody plays jazz at the Pit Stop!
Jean Girard: Then why is the song on the jukebox?
Bartender: We use it for profiling purposes. We also have the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.
Jean Girard: My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use.
Lucius Washington: [to the crew as they are speed-changing a customer's tire] Guys! No tires! We're not a pit crew anymore, we're a car wash team.
Glenn: Sorry, Lucius. Hard habit to break. Like stalking an ex-girlfriend.
Race Announcer: [after a dramatic crash] Ricky Bobby appears to be unhurt, but that Wonder Bread car is toast.
Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what the capitol of South Carolina was. I said, "Washington DC." She said, "You're wrong." I said, "You have a lumpy butt."
Ricky Bobby: You can't have two number ones.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah, 'cause that would be eleven.
Lucius Washington: Don't you put that evil on us, Ricky Bobby!
Ricky Bobby: I'm embarrassed. I really thought I could feel it.
Chip: Jesus was a man! He had a beard!
Ricky Bobby: Slingshot: engaged.
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Hey, when you have the stereo and TV on, how do you change the volume on the stereo?
Ricky Bobby: Why do you have the stereo on while you're watching TV?
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Cause' I like to party.
Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?
Lucy Bobby: Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?
Ricky Bobby: The room's startin' to spin... 'cause of the gayness...
Cal Naughton, Jr.: I like to think of Jesus as an Ice Dancer, dressed in an all-white jumpsuit, and doing an interpretive dance of my life.
Reese Bobby: Yep, I guess things are just about perfect... it's making me feel kind of itchy...
Ricky Bobby: How 'bout we go get kicked out of an Applebee's?
Ricky Bobby: I sent my application in to The Real World, and I'm pretty much putting all of my eggs in to that basket, the MTV basket If my MTV career doesn't work out, I was thinking I'd buy a gun and start selling crack. I would be like a laid back crack dealer, though. Not mean or anything. I'd just be like 'Hey boys, how's it going? Want some crack?"
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Remember that time in tenth grade when we got kicked out of class for playing with Matchbox cars? Who's the retard now?
Ricky Bobby: I will not shake your hand, but I will give you this
[kisses Jean Girard]
Ricky Bobby: Where are you Pepe Le Bitch?
Ricky Bobby: Holding hands with a man makes me terribly uncomfortable.
Jean Girard: It's a sign of affection in many countries.
Ricky Bobby: Well not here.
Jean Girard: It is not sexual in any way, please ignore the fact that I have an erection.
Reese Bobby: [Sees his son for the first time in a long time] Ricky! How long has it been, three months?
10-year-old Ricky: Ten years.
Reese Bobby: Whoah, I better lay off the peyote!
Susan: It's because it's what you love, Ricky. It is who you were born to be. And here you sit. Thinking. Well, Ricky Bobby is not a thinker. Ricky Bobby is a driver. He is a doer, and that's what you need to do. You don't need to think. You need to drive. You need speed. You need to go out there, and you need to rev your engine. You need to fire it up. You need to grab ahold of that line between speed and chaos, and you need to wrestle it to the ground like a demon cobra. And then, when the fear rises up in your belly, you use it. And you know that fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years. And it is good. And you use it. And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win, Ricky. You WIN! And you don't win for anybody else. You win for you, you know why? Because a man takes what he wants. He takes it all. And you're a man, aren't you? Aren't you?
Ricky Bobby: Susan, I've never heard you talk like that... Are we about to get it on? Because I'm as hard as a diamond in an ice storm right now.
Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful son's, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my Red-Hot Smokin' Wife, Carley
Carley Bobby: [raises hands] Woo!
Cal Naughton, Jr.: Mhmm!
Walker: [Along with Texas Ranger] Ow.
Great Quote - One would think that the Secret Service was smart enough to get serviced secretly.