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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-29-2003, 10:48 PM Thread Starter
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An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Milwaukee and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Brewers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Brewers fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

Because I'm not a Brewers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked:"Well, if you're not a Brewers fan, then who do you support?"

"I'm a Cubs fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, might you explain why are you a Cubs fan?"

"Because my Mom and Dad are from Chicago and my Mom is a Cubs fan and my dad is a Cubs fan, so I'm a Cubs fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Cubs fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your Mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a White Sox fan."
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FINE - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman
looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes
that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so
it's an even trade.

NOTHING - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an
argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) - This is a dare. One that will result in a
woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) - This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care". "You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a
few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH - This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH - Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will
stay content.

THAT'S OKAY - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can
make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow Go
Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty
big trouble.

PLEASE DO - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you
the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing
whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so
be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT - This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you
have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will
only tell you "Nothing.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they
can avoid if they remember the terminology.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3 wood, he took another mighty swing, the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer?" to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.
She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of $.50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A fellow comes into a pharmacy and asks for a vial of Cyanide. The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand under such circumstances I can't sell you any Cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.

The pharmacist blushes and replies, "I am sorry Sir, I didn't realize you had a prescription.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MILITARY RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

USMC RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.
2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss.
4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.
5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun.
7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running.
9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun.
10. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when someone pisses in the flintlock of your musket."
11. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
12. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
13. Have a plan.
14. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.
15. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
16. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
17. Don't drop your guard.
18. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.
19. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).
20. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
21. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get.
22. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
23. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
24. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

NAVY RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
1. Go to Sea.
2. Send in the Marines.
3. Drink Coffee.

AIR FORCE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
1. Make sure all ammo is armed.
2. Make sure bombs and missiles are armed.
3. Bomb the shit out of everything in sight.
4. Make sure you get home safely.
5. Debrief, drink large quantities of water and some booze and go to bed early. Next day do it all over again.

ARMY RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
1. Identify objective.
2. Have Navy big guns soften up the objective area.
3. Call for Air Force air strike.
4. Send in marines
5. Clean up the mess.
6. Make impressive color charts
7. Hold press conference.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hillary's got this huge book, it's a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.' No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton's book hits the stores this Monday. Oh boy, it took her a long time to write it. But in her defense, every time she tried to use the desk, Bill was always using it for a date." Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern." Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." Jay Leno "

"Hillary Clinton has finished her memoirs for publication next year, while Bill has barely finished the first chapter. Well, in all fairness, Fiction is a lot harder to write." Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." David Letterman

Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." Jay Leno

Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch." Late, Late Show host Craig Kilborn

Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments." David Letterman

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." Jay Leno

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!

Last edited by KBOlsen; 06-29-2003 at 10:50 PM.
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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-29-2003, 10:49 PM
freaking newbies, man there slow, ha ha ha
 
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First joke about Sox
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-30-2003, 09:31 AM
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I like them!!!
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-30-2003, 11:28 AM
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Thanks Kim. It's been a while since you posted a mess of jokes.

There is nothing firm, nothing balanced, nothing durable in all the universe. Nothing remains in its original state, each day, each hour, each moment, there is change. Change is the essence of life. Embrace change as you do life. To fight change is to live in the past.
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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 06-30-2003, 11:45 AM Thread Starter
Evil Moderatrix
 
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
           
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Yeah, I've been way too "serious" lately!

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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