Funnies du jour - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-05-2003, 06:18 PM Thread Starter
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Funnies du jour

The FOX news offices in New York City were the frequent site of War protests during the last 6 months. The following is a sample of the electronic crawls (big LED sign on the front of their building) that the Fox News Network ran outside of their New York headquarters during
these anti-war protests.

1. "Does anyone here have a job?"
2. "The cleverest sign wins a week's free vacation in Baghdad"
3. "CNN Agrees with you. They're two blocks west, and they have doughnuts!
4. "Who won your freedom to protest...Protesters, actors or Soldiers?"
5. "War Protesters Audition Here Today...Thank You For Coming. Try to Look Scruffy"
6. "Attention Protestors: The Michael Moore Fan Club Meets ON Thursdays at the Phone Booth On 6th and 50th"
7. "Yell As Loud As You Want; We're still Not Hiring Phil Donahue"

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New Ponderings by George Carlin

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we're already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" & "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
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While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since my husband (his Dad) had run off. I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm happy as a lark for hours. He was satisfied with the explanation and walked away.

Sunday the Priest stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the door. The Priest smiled and asked "Is your Mom busy, son?"

My little one looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she is in the bedroom banging her new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"
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An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner.After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back..

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
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A sniper from a SWAT team who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill."

The man fastens the scope onto his own rifle, has a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house." the man replies.

The clerk grabs the rifle from the man, and looks through the scope at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The man takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
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Billy Bob the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his wiener into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his wiener. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

" Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder? "

" Don't worry, " replied the customer service rep, " The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. "
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A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking an order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, but your husband just slid under the table".

The woman remained calm, looked at the waitress and stated, "No, he didn't. He just now walked in the door".
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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For shit's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin' cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time:

"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKIN' PORRIDGE YET!!"
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A middle-aged woman decides to have a face-lift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

About 32," was the reply.

"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. She replies, "I guess about 29."

The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a Drugstore on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she said," Okay, okay,..... how old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts and removes his hands and says, Madam, you are 47."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,...how did you know?"

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.
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A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-05-2003, 11:38 PM
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Re: Funnies du jour

Quote:
Originally posted by KBOlsen

The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's.

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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 07-07-2003, 10:03 AM
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those were really good!!!
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