Mo' funnies... - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 07-05-2003, 06:22 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
           
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Mo' funnies...

A deserter GI was running down a road escaping from two MPs. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her ,"Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain why later." The nun agreed to his request.

Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road. She replied, "He went that way". After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said: " I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq." The nun said she understood.

The GI said, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either."

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A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist's office in Winter Haven, FL. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and says he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

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An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
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Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?, Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "no, the steaks are too high."

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A f sh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."

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Subject: Duct Tape


Dave walks into the bar and sees his friend Jeff huddled at the bar, looking depressed.
Dave walks over and asks Jeff what's wrong.

"Well," replies Jeff, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Dave with a smile.

"Well," says Jeff, straightening up, "I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Dave, "when are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Jeff, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some DUCT TAPE and taped my pecker to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Dave.

"So I got to her door," says Jeff, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"Great! What happened next?" asks Dave in excitement.

Jeff huddles over the bar again. "I kicked her in the face."

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Female Comebacks!.....TRUST ME......LOREN

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.


Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.
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An elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first."

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony."

Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well", said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!
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Why men lie...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into the river. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked. .
.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
.
The Lord again went down again and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
.
The Lord went down a third time and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.
.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
.
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
.
One day while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter's wife fell into the river.
.
When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
.
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the river!"
.
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
.
The Lord was furious. "You cheat! That is an untruth!"
.
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say 'no' to her, You will come up with my wife. I will say 'yes,' and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that's why I said yes the first time."
.
The moral of the story: whenever a man lies it is for an honorable and useful reason!!!
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On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whiskey, you bitch."

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whiskey for the parrot, but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot quickly downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whiskey, you slut." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whiskey, but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee, you bitch. I expect you to get it for me right now or I'm going to slap that disgustingly ugly face of yours!"

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by 2 burly stewards.

Plunging downward toward the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a cocky bastard "

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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