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post #1 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 08:12 AM Thread Starter
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Funniest thing I've ever read!!

Courtesy of The Las Vegas Mercury Archives (Las Vegas' premier alternative news paper i.e.: it's a joke like the Onion). This is from a early June 2002 issue. It's regarding the massive forrest fires:


Basement Files: Love's bitter ashes


A U.S. Forest Service employee has been charged with setting the fire that scorched more than 100,000 acres in Colorado. Forestry technician Terri Martin admitted igniting the disastrous fire while burning a letter from her estranged husband. But what could have provoked such passion and ultimately such devastation?


Dear Terri,


I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that.

But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says...

There's no one like you, Terri. I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at the Rainbow Room and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.

She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?

But as I sat on the couch being blown by this coed, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so surface. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Terri? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a quart of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some niggling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Terri, to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you, baby.

Jesus, Terri, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at Mt. Sinai Baptist Church? Well, she drops by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we have a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're fucking in our old bedroom.

And this broad's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not hung up about God and her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves.

And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too. 'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Terri ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex aid." (Some of this I thought about later.) You know what I mean? What happened to our spontaneity? You get so caught up in the routine of a marriage and you just lose sight of each other. And then you lose yourself. That's the saddest part of all for me.

But I keep thinking we can get it back. I know we can. Because I only want this stuff with you. Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Shannon's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. She's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in general. (She's pulling for us to get back together, Terri. She really is.)

So we're drinking in the hot tub and talking about happier times. Here's this hot girl with the same DNA as you (although, let's face it, she got an extra helping of the sexy gene) and all I can do is think of how much she looks like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Shannon's really into the whole anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, baby. In your heart you know it.

Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can. I keep thinking that I think if you'd just try it, I wouldn't have to pressure you so much. Because who needs all that bitterness, Terri? It just tears us apart. And I can't be apart from you. Because I love you. God help but I do.

Last edited by Vcook; 07-30-2003 at 08:36 AM.
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post #2 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 08:16 AM
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pure fucking hilarity!!!! i'm rolling here.


ps. i solved your cut and paste dilema.

Chris

Last edited by Vcook; 07-30-2003 at 08:31 AM.
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post #3 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 08:48 AM
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HAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!! I likey!

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post #4 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 08:53 AM
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the writing is like shakespear, so eloquent! lol

"when I'm thrusting inside the steaming hot Dutch oven of your sister's cinnamon ring"

Chris
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post #5 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 08:54 AM
well i got my knee down BUT, i need a new side panel
 
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LMMFAO!
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post #6 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 08:57 AM
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post #7 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 09:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally posted by taziscool
LMMFAO!
Holy Shit, what woodwork did you crawl out of Where you been?


That letter is the bomb. I have some old girlfrinds that owuld have been perfect for.




HDTony.... Damn glad to meet you!

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post #8 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 10:04 AM
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roflMOOOOOOOO!

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post #9 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 10:52 AM
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Throat yogurt is the best thing I have every heard! That is funny shiznit!!!
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post #10 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 11:03 AM
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That is too funny Id hate to be that lady

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post #11 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 11:06 AM
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post #12 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 11:37 AM
The first Tico here!
 
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Cinnamon ring!!!!!!

People take these things too seriously!
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post #13 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 12:23 PM
Don't you love my seat?
 
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post #14 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 01:21 PM
freaking newbies, man there slow, ha ha ha
 
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post #15 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 01:46 PM
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"throat yogurt"
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post #16 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 02:27 PM
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Re: Funniest thing I've ever read!!

Quote:
Originally posted by jigelow
[SIZE=1]She was young, Terri, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits you wouldn't believe and an ass like a tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right?
That stuff is priceless.


And yes Chris, I had to register just to respond to that.
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post #17 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 02:50 PM
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post #18 of 19 (permalink) Old 07-30-2003, 03:57 PM
Your friendly Crazy Canuk
 
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Damn......my sides hurt from laughing soooo hard That was priceless.

Sometimes goodbye is your second chance.
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post #19 of 19 (permalink) Old 08-01-2003, 06:51 AM
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