Weekly Humor! - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 1 (permalink) Old 08-26-2003, 08:05 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
How you found us: I was looking for Jimmy Choo's in my shoe closet.
           
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Weekly Humor!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ...and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS:

The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn:....................... There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn:................... Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn:....................... I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn:.......................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn:................. Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn:.......................I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn.... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:

-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph...........Precious Memories

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CHIRAC CALLS FOR AN END TO FRENCH JOKES
Bush Blasts Proposal as 'Premature'

French President Jacques Chirac today called for an "immediate cessation" of jokes about France now that the active combat phase in Iraq had concluded. In an impassioned speech to the United Nations Security Council, Mr.Chirac said that if the time had come to lift sanctions against Iraq, "then it is also time to stop calling the French 'cheese-eating surrender monkeys.'"

In addition, Mr. Chirac asked the U.S. to reverse its decision to rename French fries "Freedom Fries," arguing that the derisive renaming of that popular delicacy was currently costing France billions of Euros in royalties every week.

In his most emotional appeal, Mr. Chirac asked that the U.S. stop referring to the French as "weasels" and refrain from gratuitous references to France's inexplicable love affair with the actors Jerry Lewis and Mickey Rourke. "Get over it!" Mr. Chirac roared.

But Mr. Chirac's speech may have fallen on deaf ears at the White House, where President Bush today characterized the French President's request as "premature."

"The United States has no timetable for stopping making fun of the French," Mr. Bush said. "We'll stop ridiculing the French when we're good and ready, and not one day sooner."

When told of Mr. Bush's statement, Mr. Chirac sighed deeply and said, "I give up," to which Mr. Bush replied, chuckling, "Of course he gives up - he's French."

In other news, intercepted cell-phone conversations recently re-analyzed by the CIA now reveal that Saddam Hussein did not have "weapons of mass destruction," as earlier suspected, but rather "lessons in tax deduction."

"The CIA regrets the error," Director George Tenet said.

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At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
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More Kids say the darndest things:

Q: Explain one of the ways in which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Cesarean section".
A: The cesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q; Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Sikh wears on his head.

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At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service

And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective! Now I understand what all those "service"agencies are doing to us.

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More observations on life...

1. It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

10. I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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Date: Updated August 20, 2003
JERRY BRUCKHEIMER AGREES TO PRODUCE CALIFORNIA ELECTION
May Lure Van Damme into Race


Fears that the California gubernatorial race was turning into a fiasco subsided somewhat today with the announcement that Hollywood mogul Jerry Bruckheimer had agreed to produce the electoral contest.

Both Democrats and Republicans agreed that Mr. Bruckheimer, who produced the summer blockbusters "Bad Boys 2" and "Pirates of the Caribbean," was the one man who could transform the gubernatorial election from international laughingstock to bona fide hit.

Mr. Bruckheimer got off to a running start today, slashing over two thousand candidates from the California ballot, but sparing porn star Mary Carey, surprising some political insiders who believe she lacks the qualifications to govern a state the size of California.

Dismissing those critics, Mr. Bruckheimer said, "A lot of people didn't think that Bruce Willis and a ragtag team of oil derrick workers could blast an asteroid out of the sky, either."

Mr. Bruckheimer was also said to be attempting to entice Belgian action hero Jean-Claude Van Damme into the race in the hopes of staging a series of kickboxing matches between Mr. Van Damme and candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger to be hosted by the League of Women Voters.

Meanwhile, Mr. Schwarzenegger spent the day huddled with his top advisors, including former Secretary of State George Schultz and billionaire Warren Buffett, in an effort to come up with a new catchphrase instead of "I'll Be Back" and "Hasta la vista, baby."

With recent polls showing California voters tiring of both catchphrases, the Schwarzenegger campaign was reportedly exploring a broad range of alternatives, including "Sock it to me" and "Kiss my grits."

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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