My New Parrot - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 11:23 AM Thread Starter
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My New Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft
music and anything else I could think of to "clean
up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back.
I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and
even ruder.

So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the
bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet.
Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot,
I quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched
arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions.
I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate
transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I
can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
As I was about to ask the parrot what had made
such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird
continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

R.I.P. Ashwin
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post #2 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 11:32 AM
I'm a non-achiever.
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post #3 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 11:37 AM
^^^Bad for your hearing
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Love it

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post #4 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 11:43 AM
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thanks for the good laugh
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post #5 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 11:47 AM
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post #6 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-07-2009, 11:58 AM
Lookin to Ride!
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That was funny as shit!

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post #7 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-08-2009, 07:38 AM
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It is very nice and unpredictable gift for you. Be humble with him and try to play or spend time with him. It is very nice bird who can speak like human.
You Don't rude on him and be patience.
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post #8 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-08-2009, 07:46 AM
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I'm going to jack this thread with my favorite parrot story, from The Daily Victim

When I first got this bird I spent two weeks trying to get him to say “Hello.” By the end of the month he was saying “‘lo! ‘lo!” But that was about it. So I gave up.

But then I bought a GameCube and, well, every Resident Evil game they’ve cranked out for it. I played them for hours on end with the lights out. I won’t lie to you -- it sorta put me “off,” you know? I started sleeping with the lights on and locking my windows at night.

One night I crawled out of bed to get myself a drink, and I shuffled down the dark hallway between my bedroom and the kitchen, feeling along the wall with my hand as I went. The kitchen was nearly pitch black until I opened the refrigerator, and then a brilliant wedge of light poured out, causing me to squint. That’s when I heard it:

“Grraaa ... aaaagghhh...”

It was the slow, raspy moan of THE UNDEAD. I wheeled around, panicked, staring into the darkness beyond the fridge. The milk slipped from my hands and crashed onto the ground, spilling all over the kitchen floor. I didn’t move a muscle. Time was frozen for me. And then again:

“Nnyyaagghhhh... glup, glup, glup...”

The sounds were terrifying, and yet ... familiar. Slowly, my socks wet with milk, I stepped gingerly forward toward the family room. I must’ve left my Nintendo on, I thought ... but no, it and the TV were both silent. The Resident-Evil noises were coming from elsewhere. Then, from behind:


I whirled around and reeled backwards in horror. I smashed into the lampshade and furiously reached over to flick the switch. And there, sitting on his perch amidst the warm glowing light that filed the room, was my parrot. “’lo! ‘lo!” he said to me, cheerfully.

Apparently all those zombie noises from the game had gone to the little guy’s head. He could duplicate them exactly! This went on for some weeks, until finally I got used to it. The groanings and mumblings as I lay in bed at night actually started to get kinda soothing.

Of course, I forgot to warn my friends and neighbors. A couple weeks ago, after a late night partying, Gary crashed on my couch. At 4:30 he came slamming into my room in his boxers clutching a baseball bat. “SOMETHING’S IN THERE!” he hissed at me, panting.

So of course I had to introduce him to my parrot’s habit. He only does it when the lights are off -- I guess I trained him to do that, you know, by playing those games in the dark. “’lo! ‘lo!” he’d squawk, and then we’d flick off the lights and it would be: “Mmwwwaaahhhhh... *slurping noises*”

One day Gary and Chris and I all stood around his cage one evening talking it over. We dimmed the lights until the bird let out a long, low, “Grrannggpphhnyayyyaahh” sound, like an oboe being played by an asthmatic’s last breath. “See?” I said. “Zombie bird.”

“Dude,” Chris said, stepping back. “How do we know that that bird’s still alive? Maybe he’s dead. Or ... undead. Has he eaten recently?”

“Truth be told, he’s been a bit peckish,” Gary said.

“Of course he’s peckish,” I grunted. “He’s a bird.”

“Grrrraaannnnghh! RAANNNRRRGHGHHHH!”

“You better take him to the vet,” Chris said, holding up a crucifix.

The next day at the Animal Clinic, the vet couldn’t figure out anything wrong. “That’s a fine healthy bird!” he told me.

“’Lo!” the bird cheeped in return.

So I turned out the lights in his office. The room fell silent.

And then, from the cage, a soft low murmur: “Braaaaains...”

“Maybe he should stay for observation...” my vet answered.

The next morning I came in to pick him up, but I found his cage outside the office with a note attached. “Please take bird home,” it said. “Dogs all scared and night janitor quit.”
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post #9 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-08-2009, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by petermartin View Post
It is very nice and unpredictable gift for you. Be humble with him and try to play or spend time with him. It is very nice bird who can speak like human.
You Don't rude on him and be patience.
dude it was a joke READ THE WHOLE THING.

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post #10 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-08-2009, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by petermartin View Post
It is very nice and unpredictable gift for you. Be humble with him and try to play or spend time with him. It is very nice bird who can speak like human.
You Don't rude on him and be patience.
I fawkin 'ate pikeys
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post #11 of 11 (permalink) Old 12-08-2009, 08:16 PM
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i get it, cause they have a turkey in there for thanksgiving and the parrot doesnt want to end up dead.

Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest - Denis Diderot
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