I love pooing - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:22 AM Thread Starter
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I love pooing

Go ahead and mock me, young friends, but I assure you that as you advance in years, a fully realized and satisfactory bowel movement will most definitely move up you personal scale of daily tasks you will need to achieve to live a happy lifestyle. 2 BMs are obviously even more preferable, while 3 merit a self-rewarding weekend getaway jaunt to an exotic locale.

This particular spectacularly uncomfortable but ultimately resolved episode of constipation began on Wednesday morn at BHF when the bike I loaned Kevin VanEngen developed float bowl issues. As I was leery of loaning Kevin FrankenDuc for more than a session and risking him getting so excited that he either A)crashed or B)jidded alll over the seat/tank, I worked constantly on the bike between sessions until lunch, thereby missing my customary AM absolution. My condition was compounded by the extensive exertion expended trying to get FrankenDuc to go in the direction I was pointing it; we need to do a bit of chassis twiddling, but this is a different problem. Eventually, I buttoned things up and headed over to the stalls by 11:30 or so, but alas, my window of opportunity had long passed.

Strain as I might, delicately straddling the line between aneurism and anal destruction, the most I could muster was but a few pellets of material of roughly equivalent mass to that of matter from our sun. And, in the seemingly interminable 48 hours since, more of the same. I felt terrible flushing these superdense nuggets, partly because I expended so much effort in their production, but moreover because I am certain that they may have held some scientific importance. Whatever, I ask little of society, so I feel I owe little back.

This morning, though, as I sprung from the marital bunk, I sensed a tiny but very important alteration in the fabric of my colonic universe. Friday, sunny skies, warmth in the air, and the dawning indication that perhaps today would be The Day, a New Rebirth. As I lowered myself onto the hallowed throne, I was initially crestfallen as I strained yet again whilst pressing my eyeballs into their sockets for fear that they would shoot across the room and explode on the wall. Within minutes, however, the voices of Angels from on High joined the merry, oblivious songs of the birds outside my window, and I ectatically found myself perched upon a miraculous volcanic mountain arisen form the sea rivaling any found in the Pacific. Task completed, I ventured forth into the world with the excitement and enthusiasm of a newborn colt, friskily and optimistically embracing the experiences ahead.

But then! What was this? Could it be? It was! The rumblings of more intestinal activity, quickly realized as the urgent need for a crapper ASAP. No prelude this time, no courting dance of straining contortions and grotesque undulations, no sir. Just straightaway, no frills, cutthroat business, fully and even more satisfactorily performed to nearly psuedo-erotic levels of ectasy. Although, I barely had enough teepee at my disposal to close the deal. No matter, I again venture forth into the beautiful, crisp, clear spring day a purified and cleansed man to meet my fates, happily embracing all that comes my way. I hope that all of you experience an equivalently simple yet impossibly rewarding experience at least once, and hopefully many times in your travels, but as for me, I have triumphed, and cannot wiat to see what happens next.

Have a wonderful weekend; I am Golden. And for Heaven's Sake, if you feel the need to take a dump, please do so posthaste. Do it for all the unfortunate and needy who have no modern plumbing, do it for those who must endure the shame and inconvenince of clostamy bags, do it for the poor sap who's third in line for the economy bathroom on a trans-Atlantic flight, but most of all, do it for me, your humble but elated friend, co-enthusiast, mentor, student, and servant. Godspeed!

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post #2 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:25 AM
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I enjoyed this post.


I laid down about 5 forearm sized logs on wednesday night as a result of a heavy handed chipotle employee(god bless her), my only regret is not having my camera.

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post #3 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:28 AM
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eww you got reverse buttfucked by 5 forearm size logs!

<---- Useless Mufugga

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post #4 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:35 AM
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Haha! Well done, very well done indeed.

A few comments:

- High power Pain killers, man there are side effects they just don't tell you about.

-I need a power upgrade in plumbing capacity here at work, stress free jaunts to the John are no longer possible....plus, the plunger in there is OLD, and simply does not work. So I've got to pinch cut the sonsabitches to be sure.

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post #5 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:43 AM
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eww you got reverse buttfucked by 5 forearm size logs!

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post #6 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:44 AM
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I laid down about 5 forearm sized logs on wednesday night as a result of a heavy handed chipotle employee(god bless her), my only regret is not having my camera.

Same Circus, Different Clown
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post #7 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 11:46 AM
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I know the value of a good steamer in the morning!
If I have to leave early for some reason I know its going to be a rough day-pinching, headaches, etc

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post #8 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 12:04 PM
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Such estatic prose about a dump has never before graced these pages.

Eat more fiber.

Enemas can be your friend when things get plugged up.


Glad you are having a good day.

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post #9 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 12:23 PM
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Ive had a similar week until yesterday. It was glorious!




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post #10 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 12:26 PM
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it also appears as though the older one gets the more one is willing to share ones steaming knowledge - I named yesterdays 'sputnik' !

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post #11 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 12:48 PM
sv corners faster than r6
 
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Jimbo - you missed your true calling!! your way with words continues to impress me although I suspect that your latest eloquent nugget (horrible pun I know) stems from its proximity to your chosen profession. Lest I be taken for an elitist, pompous snob, people seldom fail to remind me that chemical engineers are really poorly paid plumers which is why I race an R6 and SV while you get to bend the more exotic Ducs! 3 kids, one in college and a spouse who works partime may have something to do with it also.

But I digress.... Unfortunately we are getting to the age where a good BW is equivalent, nay superior to a good hummer...

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post #12 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 01:01 PM
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Nicely written... I too understand the importance and pleasure of doing my business. I think only guys truly understand how awesome it is. If ya try to explain it to our wives, they just look at you as if there is something really wrong with you. They just don't get it...

"To be old and wise.... You must first be young and stupid."
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post #13 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 01:18 PM
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I can't believe that a bunch of you actually read his entire post!

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post #14 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 01:22 PM
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I only crap once every 2-3 days.
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post #15 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 01:23 PM
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Quote:
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I only crap once every 2-3 days.
Maybe your boyfriend is packing it too tight?





/eat more fiber

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post #16 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 01:51 PM
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I can't believe that a bunch of you actually read his entire post!

With beautiful prose like that, how could you not?

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post #17 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 01:52 PM
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My god, I was almost crying reading that.

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post #18 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:00 PM
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Let me start by saying congrats and wish you succesful daily sessions.

I like most enjoy at least a daily if not more frequent evacuations. I, like most guys I think, take a little longer to evacuate compared to lets say my wife. She goes daily, at the same time and it takes her no time at all. I on the other hand could sit there for quite a few minutes, without excessivly pushing, until I feel all is done. Plus, if given the opportunity, could go after every meal.

Greg

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post #19 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:07 PM
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I'm gonna forward this to my wife. We've been together for like 3 years now, and I still have seen no indication that she ever poops.

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post #20 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob, Esq. View Post
I'm gonna forward this to my wife. We've been together for like 3 years now, and I still have seen no indication that she ever poops.

Greg

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post #21 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob, Esq. View Post
I'm gonna forward this to my wife. We've been together for like 3 years now, and I still have seen no indication that she ever poops.
I cant get mine to close the damn door - and i have 2 teenage boys!!!!!!!

Mike

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post #22 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:12 PM
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You're just shitting wrong...

http://www.cracked.com/article_19121...ing-wrong.html

Quote:
#7.
Pooping

What could be simpler than taking a good crap? Even babies are good at it. You might be surprised, then, to find out that even those of us who can burp without throwing up get this wrong every single day.


The one who just threw up on the other one's shoulder is better at pooping.

Chances are the pooping facility nearest you is a sitting toilet, a relatively recent invention that flushed its way into mankind's heart with the advent of indoor plumbing in the 19th century. Indoor plumbing has turned out pretty well for the most part, but the pooping style that came with it definitely has not. Pooping on a modern sitting toilet is a big part of where hemorrhoids come from, and it can also cause diverticular disease, an age-related condition that pretty much only occurs in parts of the world where sitting toilets are used, and which can lead to a range of pleasantries up to and including colonic obstruction. And things aren't getting better: The last few decades have seen a rise in popularity of "comfort height" toilets that sit two to four inches higher off the ground than older models and that make our pooping predicament even worse.


So how the hell are we meant to do it?

Luckily, there's a relatively simple way to end this poop dilemma. A 2003 study observed 28 people pooping in three positions: sitting on a high toilet, sitting on a lower one and squatting like they were catchers at a baseball game (catcher's mitt optional, but encouraged). After initially being mistaken for a German porn company, the researchers found that pooping took about a minute less when done squatting and that participants rated the experience as "easier" (God, we hope they were getting paid).

In fact, toilets that require you to squat that way have been the standard for most of human history and are still widely used in the non-Western world.

According to proctologists, "We were not meant to sit on toilets, we were meant to squat in the field." When you're in a sitting or standing position, you're forming an angle between the where the poop is and where the poop's gotta come out. There's even a muscle that's purpose is to tighten things up when we're sitting or standing to prevent accidents. Squatting straightens out this angle and removes the chokehold.

If the thought of squatting awkwardly on top of your toilet seat isn't for you, you can produce a similar poop-enhancing angle by resting your feet on a footstool (or anythin

Read more: 7 Basic Things You Won't Believe You're All Doing Wrong | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article_19121...#ixzz1LbKvH4jA
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post #23 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2weelpilot View Post
I cant get mine to close the damn door - and i have 2 teenage boys!!!!!!!
Exhibitionist?
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post #24 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 02:15 PM
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no, Im convinced she's rehersing for an Alka Selzor commercial...Plop Plop Fizz Fizz oh what a relief it is.....................

Mike

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post #25 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 03:03 PM
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post #26 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 03:04 PM
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If enjoying taking a shit is what I have to look forward out of old age....


...shoot me Bin Laden Style now.

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post #27 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 03:17 PM
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Quote:
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If enjoying taking a shit is what I have to look forward out of old age....


...shoot me Bin Laden Style now.
sneezing feels pretty damn good too. So does scratching that itch in your ear. Or scratching that spot on your back that itches like a motherfucker. All up there with taking a nice dump.

<---- Useless Mufugga
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post #28 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 03:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob, Esq. View Post
I'm gonna forward this to my wife. We've been together for like 3 years now, and I still have seen no indication that she ever poops.
You my man may have yourself a 1%er. Well done
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post #29 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 03:32 PM
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howard stern used to share his experiance in this area when he was on free radio and i have found his advice helpful, he may still but i dont get sattelite, his main point was that you should never push, second point was about excessive wiping, if you got that messy back there take a shower or something
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post #30 of 39 (permalink) Old 05-06-2011, 03:45 PM
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I love pooing

Noodles, there is no need to wait to enjoy the little things in life. Treasure every moment, every bm, every erection and so on.

Greg

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