YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
* "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
* Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
* All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
* At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
* Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
* In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
* It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
* It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
* It takes twice as long to look half as good.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
* Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
* No one expects you to run into a burning building.
* People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
* The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
* The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
* The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
* There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
* Things you buy now won't wear out.
* When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
* When happy hour is a nap.
* When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
* When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will get you home earlier.
* When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
* When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
* When you stop buying green bananas.
* When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
* When your birth certificate says expired on it.
* When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
* You and your teeth don't sleep together.
* You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
* You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
* You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
* You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
* You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
* You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
* You don't remember being absent minded.
* You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night before.
* You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
* You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
* You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
* You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
* You get winded playing chess.
* You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
* You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
* You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
* You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
* You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
* You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
* You look both ways before crossing a room.
* You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
* You look forward to a dull evening.
* You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
* You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
* You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
* You start video taping daytime game shows.
* You take a metal detector to the beach.
* You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
* You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
* You wear black socks with sandals.
* You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
* You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
* You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
* Your back goes out more than you do.
* Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.
* Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
* Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
* Your ears are hairier than your head.
* Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
* Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
* Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
* Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
* Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
* Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
* Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
* Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
* Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
* Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
* You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
* You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
* You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.