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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 09:31 AM Thread Starter
 
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Wedding Planning Problems

I am looking for opinions from those people who are married and have been through the process of planning a wedding.

A small background then the problem. We are getting married in Nov at walt disney world. My fiance and I are very familiar with Disney because we both have worked there. We obviously are in Chicago. My mom lives in Orlando. My mom is a bit of an overachiever. She is extemely helpful. Oh and I am an only child so this is the only wedding my mom will get to go to or be a part of.

The problem is that I am having big conflict between my mom and fiance and I am stuck in the middle. My mom has been doing research and speaking with the wedding coordinator to get questions answered and gather info. My fiance is getting upset because she gets the feeling like the decisions are being made for her by my mom. My mom hasnt really pushed anything but merely submits the info she found and lets us make the decision. My fiance feels that she isnt having any opportunity to think of things on her own. If she makes a decision from the information at hand she feels like it is my moms choice since she was the one who submitted the idea. I have repeatedly tried/had to ask my mom calm down. Numerous fights have resulted from this and another big one last night.

Now my mom called and said she is backing out of the wedding all together. She was originally compleletly in charge of the rehersal but she given up that as well. I know her feelings are hurt and she is very upset. The flip side is that I am completely torn in the middle. Should I let things be so my fiance is happy and has full control? Should I bring my mom back into the planning and just try to get my fiance to deal with the help? Should I pick and choose tasks for my mom to take on?

The biggest problem I see here is that my mom could and already has helped. Because she is down there, she has constant access to the wedding planner, also gets the opportunity to speak with people who are in the process of doing their wedding or had just completed it so we can get tips and opinions and how to avoid problems. I am so hating this situation that picking up the essentials and moving to a deserted island away from everyone has crossed my mind.

I need some completely independant opinions of how screwed up my family is and how best to maybe approach this.
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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 09:51 AM
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Re: Wedding Planning Problems

Quote:
Originally posted by Hawkeye
[
I need some completely independant opinions of how screwed up my family is and how best to maybe approach this. [/B]
Don't get married, problem soved

oh wait marriage is a joyfull thing (wife lurking in background here )

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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 09:51 AM
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First ?...who's paying for the wedding? If your mom/dad are, they should defintely have some say. If not, then ask your mom nicely to calm down. Tell her, that this is your fiance's wedding and that if she wants to be part of it, she needs to TAKE direction from your fiance.

It also sounds like your fiance needs the help since she has not done squat on her own. She obvioulsy does not appreciate your mom's efforts and may ultimately have a sucky wedding, but at least she will be in control of her sucky wedding.

BTW, I was just married in August but my problem was overachieving in laws and my wife was the youngest of three kinds and the only girl.
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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 09:58 AM
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I think you're on the right path, send your mom to find a left-handed monkey wrench. Figure out a task that will keep her busy, let your fiance do EVERYTHING. It's her big day and she's been wanting to do this all her life.... If your mom gets involved let her talk directly to you, not your SO. Then you can relay the information as if it's coming from you, not your mother, and your wife if anything will appreciate your input.

Don't feel badly, it's normal. People get absolutely crazy when it comes to weddings.
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 10:05 AM Thread Starter
 
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Yes the parents are chipping in for the wedding. My fiance has done a good deal with the wedding. It isnt like my mom has been making the all the decisions. That is my fiance thinks.

I guess the biggest issue is that we got engaged a year ago. Over the last year we havent really done much on this, by choice. My mom has been working the whole time so when amber and I are just starting to pull stuff out to make decisions my mom has a million ideas.
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 10:45 AM Thread Starter
 
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Am I right to assume that leaving the current situation the way it is is a very bad idea? Right now my mom has washed her hands of the whole issue and is obviously upset about it. I believe that getting her involved in some way is a must here.

Am I right on this?
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 10:55 AM
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Whatever you do Scott DON'T tell either of them what to do.

As far as tradition goes the bride's parents pay for the wedding and bla bla bla but this is todays time so go with todays ideas. (YOU AND YOUR FIANCE!)

I feel the wedding is for the bride (atleast i felt that way) and told her to do whatever she wants but before its final just let me know what the plan is. Like colors. I could give a shit less about that, food, how many tables, where the mirrors are etc.etc.

I wanted to be involved in the top shelf liquor, limo styles, etc.

Explain to your mom that this is her (the fiance's) day and to "HELP" her on HER decisions and ideas. She will understand. The last thing you want is a family fight........but remember you will love and live with her for many years down the road.

1 more thing......let your Mom know how much you need her assistance in this whole thing so she feels wanted and not obligated.

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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 11:03 AM
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IMO, your first mistake was hiring a wedding planner. Your wife should be the wedding planner, it's her day. Actually, your mom would have been a better choice for a wedding planner, than an outsider. You now have too many cooks in the kitchen.

She should have asked your mom for ideas and to look into some info of the halls/food/photographer/flowers, since she is in Florida where your having the wedding. This would have made her feel part of the planning process. It may be too far gone now, but I would call your mom, or have your wife do it, and apologize and ask her plan one of the above things I mentioned. This will make her feel needed/wanted. Someone needs to be the adult here, or your mom won't be at the wedding, and then she'll always hold this against you and your wife. Plus, you will be thinking about your mom not being there the whole time, instead of enjoying the wedding and reception.

Good Luck!

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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 11:14 AM Thread Starter
 
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We didnt hire a wedding planner. We wanted to get married at Disney since that is where we met. When you get married at disney you are given a wedding planner.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 11:22 AM
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A good wedding planner doesn't make decisions. They help answer your questions, avoid pitfalls, and arrange resources.
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post #11 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jack
A good wedding planner doesn't make decisions. They help answer your questions, avoid pitfalls, and arrange resources.
That is what our planner is doing. She is there to help us. I am not having any issues with the wedding planner.
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post #12 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 11:54 AM
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Well then disregard my first paragraph, but I think the rest could help with your dilema.

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post #13 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 12:00 PM
 
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IMO, you need to have your fiance and mother communicate so they both understand that neither one is out to ruin the other one's day. It really sounds like your fiance doesn't understand that mom wants to help and your mom doesn't understand that your fiance is feeling overwhelmed with information.

You don't say how their relationship is otherwise, but I am really fortunate that my folks and my wife get along very well. In fact, my wife has a better relationship with my parents than her own. We even joke that if anything happened between us, I'd have to find new parents.

It really sounds to me like a little communication between the two would go a long way towards making everyone happy. You may have to step up and be the mediator. Maybe it's time to go visit or invite mom up so they can talk in person.
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post #14 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 12:04 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by larryg
IMO, you need to have your fiance and mother communicate so they both understand that neither one is out to ruin the other one's day. It really sounds like your fiance doesn't understand that mom wants to help and your mom doesn't understand that your fiance is feeling overwhelmed with information.

You don't say how their relationship is otherwise, but I am really fortunate that my folks and my wife get along very well. In fact, my wife has a better relationship with my parents than her own. We even joke that if anything happened between us, I'd have to find new parents.

It really sounds to me like a little communication between the two would go a long way towards making everyone happy. You may have to step up and be the mediator. Maybe it's time to go visit or invite mom up so they can talk in person.
I have thought about this a number of times but I am worried about a blowup of some kind. Up until the wedding thing came into the picture their relationship has been great. No real problems.
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post #15 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 12:40 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hawkeye
I have thought about this a number of times but I am worried about a blowup of some kind. Up until the wedding thing came into the picture their relationship has been great. No real problems.
November is a long way away...get it aired out now so they can recover and move on with the planning together. I wouldn't just spring it on them as a surprise either. Make the arrangements and tell them exactly what your goals are as far as getting them to talk and understand each other's feelings. If they got along before, they'll be able to get over this with a little help. These are the two most important women in your life, they'll listen to you.
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post #16 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 01:38 PM
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Just elope.
That should resolve all your problems

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post #17 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 02:42 PM
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This is what I would do. Remember I'm a no bullshit type person. Some people can't handle that.

Mom This is my fience's wedding she gets to make all the decision not you. If the wife needs help I'm sure she'll ask you.

Wife This is your wedding you make the decisions. Delegate something to my mom she needs something to do. It'll make her happy.

Me I'm going to have a beer now.


Mark my words they'll get so pissed at you for saying the truth so bluntly they'll be pissed at you and forget about the other stuff

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post #18 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 02:43 PM
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To add to that. Yes I have done things like this before and it works out in the long run.

I'm not short. I'm aerodynamically efficient.

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post #19 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-09-2004, 05:38 PM
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I'm getting married in May. My mom is doing the rehersal dinner and for a while it was scary, because my dad was out of work and they are also paying for the DJ. I know my mom have done some stuff that my fience didn't like. I tell her that she didn't have to pay for the DJ and my parents got screwed big time from my sister wedding, they paid for everything!!!!!! My sisters in-laws didn't pay for shit!! They said they would pay for the poka-band (and my sister DID NOT want that and it didn't happen) My parents also paid for 2 reception halls because the 1st one went bankrupt. My mom is cool, she's also paying for the dress for my daughter who is the flower girl. I wish I could help, but the most part my mom is letting my fience do what she wants. My mom knows its her day, I just have to show up Some people hear had great advise, the one thing is keep the fience happy. The only thing I can say is have a heart to heart talk with your mom. I have heard the closer you get to the wedding day, the harder it is, don't let NOTHING get between you and your fience. The one thing I can say is, good luck and I hope it works out!!!

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post #20 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2004, 01:29 PM
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post #21 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2004, 02:29 PM
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post #22 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2004, 02:40 PM
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Ah, the joys of getting married. Dude, you seriously messed up. You got in the middle. What were you thinking? The only thing you can do is to start drinking heavily till after it's done. That way you won't remember most of the pain.

On a more serious note. This is your and your so's day. This is the lady you are planning on spending the rest of your days with. Guess who you should be supporting now that you messed up and got in the middle? If all else fails the Vegas Elvis wedding looks fun.

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post #23 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2004, 04:32 PM
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I just want to say good luck, and hope things will work out for you, simply let them both talk it over like some people suggested, or do what I did go to marriage court and get married in Chicago court house, in and out in less then 2 minutes, that's what my wife said to describe the ceremony

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post #24 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2004, 06:01 PM
 
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A buddy of mine got married in Vegas...His wife surprised him by having Elvis sing at the wedding...he had no clue it was going to happen...says something about staying out of the planning
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post #25 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2004, 06:02 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by BlueSv
...in and out in less then 2 minutes...
Hope the honeymoon lasted a little longer
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post #26 of 26 (permalink) Old 02-10-2004, 06:56 PM
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hahah, i should have see that coming, and lets just say she wasnt and isnt complaining, loves me as much as I love her, and that's what counts, so like I said things will work out, I know they did for me so why shouldn't for u??

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Last edited by BlueSv; 02-10-2004 at 07:01 PM.
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