Advice needed - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-04-2014, 10:29 PM Thread Starter
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Advice needed

So let me start off with im a guy.. i OCCASIONALLY regularly have gas. i like to think i play it off well. Sometimes i let one sneak out in the office, and its my fckin luck that is the moment Jane wants to talk about the reports from yesterday. She walks in and im heading to the door like im 15 mins late to a 20 minute meeting. I crop dust the hell out of her on the way out. fuck you jane, you deserved it.

well lately, i have been working out alot, eating more as well as better. milk... milk should be called fart fuel. i have infinite ammo for a good 3 hours, like on command. i know that humans are the only adult animal that consumes milk but what ever! what the fck do you suggest to make protein shakes out of! water you suggest? fuck you!

anyways, so im single and i cannot go on dates when i am a butt dragon. but i also dont want to not work out, i like to be buff and look like im just fitting into my medium shirts, which i tell girls its large. by the time they see the tag, ive already dented it.

so i have my methods of diffusing farts... examples:
1. fart when drying your hands with the blow dryers
2. open the door for her, fart when you are walking extra slow to the driver door. driving a limo will help this because we all know farts creep on you for a little.
3. only let them out when playing with your pet and blame it on them..
4. im all out..

advice needed, how the fck do i stop farting.. seriously, my room is warm and humid right now and i turned off the furnace 3 hours ago. do i not drink milk? do i hold them in? i heard thats not good for you? do i just date girls with mustaches, because who the fck are they to say anything? any advice will help.. thanks in advances

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 07:24 AM
 
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So what's the problem?

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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 07:48 AM
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Humans require cows milk as much as they require the milk of a giraffe or elephant.


Quit drinking that shit.
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 08:22 AM
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You clearly have a lactose intolerance.

Chris
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 08:53 AM
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First off I want to thank you for posting a thread which clearly has the ability to be either a public service OR to run off the tracks like a freight train in a sharp turn with a dead hooker slouched against a full throttle. Takes me back to better days on this site. But I digress. If it does turn out to be lactose intolerance, that could be a major problem for someone named, Milkman. Therefore, I suggest that for your own sake AND that of others you change your name to Fartman. Problem solved.

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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 08:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook View Post
You clearly have a lactose intolerance.
Yup - Ice Cream will fuck your shit up too - Sucks in the summer when you drench that shit in Baileys and call it "Dessert"

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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 12:24 PM
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Two things: Lactose free milk...Comes in whole, reduced fat (2%) and fat free (skim)...AND...Beano...follow package directions.

Also...avoid sugar free candies and cough drops...They'll make you fart like you ate a triple helping of roast rat stuffed with beans!


Have you seen the ads or promos about underwear with stratigically place activated charcoal filters that are supposed to stop the stink?

This really wouldn't be a problem if you were married and took an outdoor job!

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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 02:47 PM Thread Starter
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just bought some lactose milk, and chocomilk.. i think the choco milk is organic too, which doesnt seem right.. if this makes me shit my pants i give up.

ill just have to marry a noseless girl like voldemort who isnt too sensitive to heat.

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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 04:26 PM
lust for bikes!
 
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you could try otc stuff they do commercials for like gas x or beano. dont know it that shit is just snake oil or what but maybe it works?

"Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague…"

"Thats it, nobody gets out of here alive."

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I agree completely with Steve (nouseforaname)
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-05-2014, 10:54 PM
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You might check to see if you're allergic to gluten. I worked with a guy who would smoke bomb the office. Got gluten free and it all went away.Just a suggestion.
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2014, 01:36 PM
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protein shakes with soy milk

eliminate the possible fart makers one at a time if it goes away you found it if it doesnt go back to eating that and eliminate another
simple process of elimination
start with dairy
too much protein can have this effect too

-Jason
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2014, 05:24 PM
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Any pics of Jane?
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-06-2014, 09:46 PM
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No practical advice, just some classic Dave Allen humor to lighten the mood:


"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it." - JP2

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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-14-2014, 12:22 AM Thread Starter
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update:

lactose free milk still farts mucho

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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-14-2014, 11:11 AM
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maybe its just in your nature to be a stinky bastard

-Jason
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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-14-2014, 04:39 PM
lust for bikes!
 
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it may be time to start thinking about suicide. js

"Why are all these people here? There are too many people on this earth. We need a new plague…"

"Thats it, nobody gets out of here alive."

Quote:
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I agree completely with Steve (nouseforaname)
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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-14-2014, 07:24 PM
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Maybe see a doctor or at least a nutritionist

Greg

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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-18-2014, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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i know some of you guys know everything so i thought i would check here first. thanks for thinking about me.

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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-25-2014, 12:53 AM
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poop more

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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 03-27-2014, 10:07 AM Thread Starter
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sound advice. is it not enough i paint the inside of her bowl once per evening? twice will do the trick.

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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2014, 02:21 AM
Moto-Sexual....
 
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have a guy with a huge member make friends with your prostate. works every time.

ask me how i know.....

Excuse me, while i kiss this Guy......

<-----Mr. Vern

Hit me up if you're looking for someone to ride with
773.469.2932....whoohoo! i can get texts now!. will get right back to ya
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 04-03-2014, 10:30 AM
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Rip clsb
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