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post #1 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:01 PM Thread Starter
 
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Wedding Questions

I wanted to get a feel from everyone about the level of involvement that your/your spouses parents were involved in for the planning of your wedding.

I am in a huge battle with my mom right now. She has been involved in the entire planning/opinion/research/recommendation process of the wedding thus far. I put a list together of what she has contributed in help and it is huge. She is contributing financially but only 1/3rd of the money.

I tried to explain that my fiance and I wanted to go to the meeting that entailed making all the final decisions just the 2 of us. She feels that she has a divine right to be there and that she is being cut out. (on a side note, my mom has always been VERY involved in everything). Now I ask you married folk.

How much involvment in the planning/decision process were your parents involved in.
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post #2 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:08 PM
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way too much. take my advice just yes to everone for what ever or direct them to the future wife mother inlaw and the ultimate MOM and hope its over soon it is a defintie pain in the ass. for guys atleast . have fun with the bachelor party and when its over RUN RUN like the wind man. youre screwed

hope i can hold onto my license this summer
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post #3 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:11 PM
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Had the same problem with my mom. I had an edge though. I paid for everything so what I said went. Besides that they have to realize who's day it is. . In the end what ended up happening is both my parents and her parents said that I wasn't paying for enough people for them to invite. I told them if they wanted more they had to pay for it. Unfortunately there were a lot of hidden costs to me in that . Then my mom started to lighten up. I let her buy us the cake and a few other things so she would feel more involved. She also helped my wife pick out her dress, but the second she got out of place we made sure she knew. She even tried changeing the cake on us, and behind our back. Luckily, I got a call from the bakery to confirm the changes and I changed it back. I told my mom I'd pay for the cake if she didn't like it.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is put her in her place and do it fast and often. If you don't it'll come back to haunt not only you, but your new wife. Put yourself in her shoes......if your satisfying what your mother wants all the time your wife isn't exactly going to feel like number one in your life. How long will she put up with that.

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post #4 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:12 PM
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post #5 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:13 PM
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Welcome to weddings. You are on really shitty ground. being stuck between two woman really sucks. best thing I could tell anyone is pay for your own wedding and make sure the bills come in under 50 a person. that way the envelopes will pay for the wedding with a little extra for the honey moon. Since your taking her money you are stuck with her in this process.




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post #6 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:22 PM
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I truely understand none of this...What's the big deal about wedding details? Don't mothers/mothers-in-law have anything better to do/worry about? WHO CARES! I never understood obscessing over plates, napkins, flowers...BOOORRRIIINGGG!

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post #7 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:26 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by HDTony
Welcome to weddings. You are on really shitty ground. being stuck between two woman really sucks. best thing I could tell anyone is pay for your own wedding and make sure the bills come in under 50 a person. that way the envelopes will pay for the wedding with a little extra for the honey moon. Since your taking her money you are stuck with her in this process.
She has been in the process absolutely so I dont know why she doesnt feel included. We are paying 1/3rd also. her parents who are the last 3rd are there if we need them or ask.

Off the top of my head here is what my mom has been in on, not having bought this just involved in the process.
the wedding dress
champaign flutes,
cake topper,
photographer/photos/poses
tuxes,
knife set
unity candle
first dance songs
reception hall choices
cocktail reception planning/hall choices
centerpieces
bouquet/floral choices
jewerly for amber,
gifts, registry, bridal party gifts,
We gave her the whole rehersal dinner to plan
wedding night reservations,
night before the wedding reservations for the bridal party
hair/makeup
invitations,
cake
honeymoon planning.

THIS IS WHAT I CAME UP WITH OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. SHE DID A LOT MORE, but you get the idea
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post #8 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:53 PM
 
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Re: Wedding Questions

Quote:
Originally posted by Hawkeye
I wanted to get a feel from everyone about the level of involvement that your/your spouses parents were involved in for the planning of your wedding.

I am in a huge battle with my mom right now. She has been involved in the entire planning/opinion/research/recommendation process of the wedding thus far. I put a list together of what she has contributed in help and it is huge. She is contributing financially but only 1/3rd of the money.

I tried to explain that my fiance and I wanted to go to the meeting that entailed making all the final decisions just the 2 of us. She feels that she has a divine right to be there and that she is being cut out. (on a side note, my mom has always been VERY involved in everything). Now I ask you married folk.

How much involvment in the planning/decision process were your parents involved in.
Just don't get married. Stay single. It's easier. And that problem gets solved too.
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post #9 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:53 PM
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Good luck and it only gets better!

Word of advice---Its good to be married! Right Brian?

Seriously as far as the wedding went i let my wife do EVERYTHING she wanted. I only asked to be consulted on colors, cake, and the limo. (and groomsmen of course)

SHE LOVED IT and basically i got off easy! I figured it was HER day so let HER have it the way SHE wanted it.

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post #10 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Labdog
Word of advice---Its good to be married! Right Brian?


Yup....and thanks to Labdog I'll NEVER FRIGN' FORGET IT!!!!!

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post #11 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 03:58 PM Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Labdog
Seriously as far as the wedding went i let my wife do EVERYTHING she wanted. I only asked to be consulted on colors, cake, and the limo. (and groomsmen of course)

SHE LOVED IT and basically i got off easy! I figured it was HER day so let HER have it the way SHE wanted it.
I have been involved in what my fiance wanted me to be part of. My mom has been there but she has overstayed her welcome or opinion.

It is becoming my MOM's day not my fiance's. That is the problem.

The issue is that she feels that weddings are not about the couple only. They are about the family and thus she has THE RIGHT to be part of everything. She doesnt get it that she has helped or that it is about the couple. She doesnt even get it that every one of my friends had parents involved only when asked.
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post #12 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Hawkeye

It is becoming my MOM's day not my fiance's. That is the problem.
that's what I'm sayin' bro. If you don't nip that in the bud it's going to cause problems in your marriage.

***edit**** Your fiance needs to know she's number one in your life, not your mom. Make sure she knows it.

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Last edited by Meulen; 06-25-2004 at 04:02 PM.
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post #13 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:01 PM
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My wife and I planned our own wedding without any involvement from either sides parents. It was a good time but the honeymoon was considerably more memorable and quite honestly all I really cared about!

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post #14 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Crazy
that's what I'm sayin' bro. If you don't nip that in the bud it's going to cause problems in your marriage.
This reminds me a lot of the thread about me and my controlling mom problems...He's right. Set boundaries NOW or your poor fiance and you are going to be miserable...It's YOUR life. You are an adult.

Be firm but loving. Say, "Mom, I love you, but ____ and I really want this day to be ours...but we're really happy that you care so much." Something like that. Don't forget the "nice nice."
post #15 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Slowass
This reminds me a lot of the thread about me and my controlling mom problems...He's right. Set boundaries NOW or your poor fiance and you are going to be miserable...It's YOUR life. You are an adult.

Be firm but loving. Say, "mom, I love you, but ____ and I really want this day...but we're really happy that you care so much." Something like that. Don't forget the "nice nice."

absolutely, and remember she'll be pissed at first. But she'll get over it. It's like a double edge sword for her because she'll threaten to stay away, but her personality won't let her. My mom and I are best of friends now. I still have to remind her to back off now and then but for the most part she leaves my wife and I alone.

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post #16 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:10 PM
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My mom isn't involved at all in my planning. My fiance's mom is as involved as my fiance wants her to be. I'm as involved as I want to be (which is to say... Erin decides what she wants, I simply nod). I don't even have to remind her that we're paying for all of it ourselves... and then hoping to hell our parents give us some phat cash.
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post #17 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:13 PM
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Everyone is right. Let your wife know how much of an importance she is in your life. STOP your Mom now before its too late. Be gentle though. Remember your mom is blood and your wife will be a whole lot closer! Trust me on this.

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post #18 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:16 PM
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post #19 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:24 PM
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Dr phil says, it is your wedding and you make the decisions.


You can tell your mom shes paying the 1/3 for the wedding. But paying for the photographer. And your 2/3 of the doe is going for the village people to play after the wedding.


But maybe you should let your mother have some control. Ive seen Psycho, and norman bates had one controlling mom.


Every chick is so into weddings. maybe except slowazz and other chicks. But every chick wants it to be memorable. The biggest best 8 hours of their life Theres also a 10lb magazine for women to look at, which has all the thrills of getting married.


Good luck to you, and can i have your bike, because you wont be seeing it any longer.
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post #20 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:32 PM
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well my wedding was only a month ago, and from the minute i started planning it his mom was acting exactly like your mom, basically tried to control it all. finally i just told her it was going to be my way and that was it. she pouted and whined for a while but eventually got over it. i know it hurt her feelings but she understood in the end...............so my .02 is just tell her to back off, explain that this is yours and your fiances day not hers, she had hers its your turn and that you would like her to respect your feelings. if that dont work just omit telling her details anymore. i mean if i let her control it all do you think i would have that pic of me on my bike 20 mins after the ceremony in my wedding dress????

Ask me ill tell you...........anything I wanna hear

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post #21 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:32 PM
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Wow. My wedding is going to be so much easier than this.

My mom said she'd help financialy if needed, and if we needed any planning help just let her know what she can do.

The in-laws want nothing to do with it so that's make eveyone happy

Sorry Hawkeye I can't give you any advice.

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post #22 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
 
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First off my fiance wants a bike herself so mine isnt going anywhere unless i get a new one.

Secondly, it started as I will help when you need it so all you have to do is ask. That grew out of control

I have put my foot down on the control issue and that is why we arent on speaking terms right now. (Happened 2 days ago) I will not budge on this. I know that amber and i have the right to plan our day. it is amazing how much of the family and friends are saying that I am right on this but my mom is still threatening to Not come to the wedding at all.

I am just happy that she lives 1100 miles away. I have no chance of running into her.

The worst part about it is that if she didnt throw this hissy fit, she would have still been in control of the rehersal dinner and events. She screwed herself on that one.

I am sticking to my guns on this. My mom has no place in this one. Amber and I can handle it, we are grown up. She has to learn. It is just painful in the guiltrips she sends.
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post #23 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:42 PM
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only thing you can do is brush them off like i said she will get over it.......

but your right she needs to realize whos day this is

Ask me ill tell you...........anything I wanna hear

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post #24 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:43 PM
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My ex and I were lucky. Her mom lived out of state and just showed up and my mom knew my ex knew what she was doing, but let her know if she needed any help she was there for her.


G'Luck with EVERYTHING


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post #25 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:45 PM Thread Starter
 
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G'Luck with EVERYTHING
I'm gonna need it. She likes to hold grudges
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post #26 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Labdog
Everyone is right. Let your wife know how much of an importance she is in your life. STOP your Mom now before its too late. Be gentle though. Remember your mom is blood and your wife will be a whole lot closer! Trust me on this.
I agree with Kelly. Also it's the Brides day, and my mom gave us ideas but didn't push anything. My mom also did some dirty work because some people in my family don't understand "no kids".

I hope all works out, remember it's your guys wedding not your moms. My sisters mother-in-law wanted a poka band and my sister said no, and her inlaws didn't help at all.

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post #27 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by HDTony
being stuck between two woman really sucks
Speak for yourself!!

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post #28 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-25-2004, 04:59 PM
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Your mom is SOOO much like my mom (I think you said this in my "controlling mom" thread last week). We haven't spoken in a week and a half, and although it's kinda sad, I feel a huge relief of stress (for those who didn't see it, my mom demands that I sell the bikes and quit riding...Well I just can't do that, so we're not speaking).

This is the best advice I got in my situation: It is from someone who's mom is psycho bitchy. When his mom starts her he laughs. He says, distance yourself emotionally from her behavior. Don't let her affect you because there's NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT HER PSYCHOPATHOLOGY. She will always be this way, and you can't change it. Do you get all angry and worked up about the weather? No, because it's just the nature of the weather. It is how it is. It will rain and storm. So too is your mom. Don't let her affect you. Smile, be happy, enjoy your wedding, and cut those emotional reins so she can't affect the way you feel anymore. YOU ARE IN CONTROL.
post #29 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-26-2004, 02:26 AM
 
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My wife gave me a slip of paper with a date and location on it. I had about a year to memorize it.



That was about the total involvement I had in my wedding plans.
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post #30 of 32 (permalink) Old 06-26-2004, 05:46 AM
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My wedding....5 minutes justice of the peace. Didn't tell anybody, much to my best friends dismay, it was awesome.

Although I'd be lying if I didn't say I didn't miss the whole kit and caboodle.

My Mom and I ahve reached a higher level of understanding especially after I had my daughter. Were better friends now than when I was younger.

She's really supportive. She still thinks we should have a church wedding since she knows how important it is for me, I tend to agree with her but it'll have to wait until our 10 year anniversary.

As for my mother-in-law, she's great! She can get a little overbearing sometimes but she's real supportive as well.

So sorry for your dilemma Hawkeye! Just put your foot down. In the end parents tend to see when they're acting like an azz....it may take 'em awhile but they tend to come around!

Good luck!

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