Don't try this at home - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 02:36 PM Thread Starter
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Don't try this at home

This is a funny story I found on the wera board

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Don't try this at home...
Dear Friends,

My wife Anna is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Anna. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed.

Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Anna what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Franky looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Franky) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Franky for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Anna to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time...

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Franky looking on with his head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ***! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!!
I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Franky was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to himself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.


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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 02:54 PM
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Oh that's good stuff

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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 03:00 PM
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Now that's funny!! The only thing I could think of when reading it and knowing where it was going, was the fact that your muscles clinch down while being shocked.

Of course I learned that from my high school electronics teach who taught it to us by having us hold onto round rings hooked to a crank generator.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 03:16 PM
 
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Back when these things came out and were popular, I bought one and so did my boss just to play around with. He had the more expensive kind.. anyway, he eventually shocked me with it. After the first hit, we did it to eachother multiple more times. It buzzes you, but does not incapacitate you.. I got it in the arms and legs, so maybe a good neck shot or a shot to bare skin could do more damage. If someone shocked me with one of the ones we had, I could easily still fight back.. it causes discomfort, it's not fun, but it won't take you down unless maybe if it's a neck or other vital area.. we went fairly easy on eachother never trying a neck or groin shot so I don't know for sure.

The real Tazer where it's got the friggin wires that shoot out and put needles into your skin are another story. Those things are MF'in nasty.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 03:39 PM
 
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I just got it trouble for laughing to loud at work...kinda knew where this was going, but it was way better than I thought it was going to be!
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 03:41 PM
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OMG!!!! I have tears in my eyes!! That's some funny shit!! I don't know if it's true or not, but the wording of that made me laugh so hard!!! The anticipation of the whole thing was great!! AWESOME!!

I grew up in a farm town, and we all worked on different farms. Now, on a cattle farm, sometimes you have to get cows to move certain places, or get out of certain things... This is best achieved via a cattle prod. This thing has a few C batteries in it and makes a humming sound when the button it pressed. It's basically a tazer on a stick. Well, if you've ever gotten bit by one of those things, you'll have a new respect for C batteries!! HOLY HELL!! You can feel it go through your whole body and it pretty much renders your entire muscular system useless... Your muscles will do pretty much what they want to do and there isn't much you can do about it! I guess it's pretty funny which is probably why we used to play cattle prod tag all the time. Funniest thing I ever saw was watching a fat kid trying to outrun one of them. They guy reached out and zapped him in the back of the leg. The kid's leg did a funny dance in mid stride and he went tumbling... head first into a parked car door! Knocked him out cold! Pure hilarity! I guess it's right up there with the time that my brother got me on the leg, right below the nuts. I was standing there holding a 5 gallon bucket full of mud. I got hit, and the bucket went flying, I had mud everywhere and I wizzed my pants. Good times!

<-------- Jeff


Hey baby! You ever been on the back of an expensive sportbike??


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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 03:48 PM
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This was way to funny. And I can confirm the affects he experience first hand. I used a 50Kv tazer on my self and ended up like him except I flip the chair I was sitting on backwards. You know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat"
I am glad this happened to someone else too.

Dejan
CCS very very Amateur #144
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-30-2004, 04:20 PM
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