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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-12-2002, 10:21 AM Thread Starter
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Talking Joke of the day





Special Notice from Carnival Cruise Lines!!!



NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES:
Afghanistan Cruise

We at Carnival Cruise Lines
didn't forget that a lot of entertainers
had promised to leave the country if
George W.Bush became President.
With that in mind, we have a Special Offer
for those who want to keep their promise!

Attention: Would Alec Baldwin, Rosie O'Donnell,
Cher, Phil Donahue,David Gephin, Barbara Streisand,
Pierre Salinger, and anyone else who made that promise,
please dispose of all US assets and report to
Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise,
"Elation," which has been commissioned
to take you to your new vacation homes
in Afghanistan.
You may opt to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor
a Farewell Parade in your honor
through Palm Beach,Broward,
and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.

Please pack for an extended stay...
at least four years and you should consider
the possibility of eight years.

Note: Since you advocate strict gun control, you may not bring any.

Staffing your voyage is Bill Clinton as captain,

Al Gore as cruise director,

Monica Lewinsky as recreation director,

Ted Kennedy as lifeguard
and emergency procedures director,

and
Congressman Gary Condit as intern coordinator.

If you have any questions about making arrangements
for your homes,friends and loved ones,
please direct your comments to
Senator Hillary Clinton.

Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she
can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return.

Bon Voyage!"

Is this a great country or what!

Brian (F.K.A. Crazy)

Gamertag: CRAZY403


“You can’t escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”

-Abraham Lincoln


“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.”

-Herbert Hoover
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-12-2002, 11:40 AM
Jim
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THE STORY OF MAYONAISE

The Story of Mayonnaise



> Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was
> manufactured exclusively in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying
> 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico
> which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York.
> The people of Mexico who were crazy about the stuff, were eagerly awaiting
> delivery, and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared
> a National Day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of
> course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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GO Bears!!!!!!!!
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-12-2002, 11:47 AM Thread Starter
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Location: Romeoville
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Location: Romeoville
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Years Riding: long time
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Jim,

you just got me in trouble from laughing so hard.


Brian (F.K.A. Crazy)

Gamertag: CRAZY403


“You can’t escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”

-Abraham Lincoln


“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.”

-Herbert Hoover
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-12-2002, 12:08 PM
Jim
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How you found us: the smell
           
THIS IS EVEN FUNNIER

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
>>Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?
>>The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
>>The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
>>Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
>>One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
>>Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
>>Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
>>Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
>>100 people who don't do dick.

How did the tugboat get AIDs?
>>It was rear-ended by a ferry.

Define "Egghead:"
>>What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

What's the definition of eternity?
>>4 blondes at a 4-way stop intersection.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
>>Palm Sunday.

How is sex like a game of bridge?
>>If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
>>Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
>>It's not hard.

What do you call a San Francisco milk man?
>>A dairy queen.

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GO Bears!!!!!!!!
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-12-2002, 01:03 PM
Jim
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How you found us: the smell
           
Darwin awards and runner ups!

DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
_
1. In September 2001, in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer
grate to retrieve his car keys.
_
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned
when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100- foot-high cliff on his daily
run.

_
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
into
the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beach goers said Daniel Jones, 21,
dug
the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a
beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed burying him
beneath five feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used
their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of
Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy
equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones
was pronounced dead at a hospital.
_
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell
face-first through the ceiling of bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death
was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his
hands
free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
_
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, Army ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was
trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was
wearing.
_
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr, 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del, as
he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with
four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. He did and it did.
_
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27,
and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
_
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
_
1. In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a
shot from his 22 calibre rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near
the
hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
_
2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch
and caused a fire that destroyed the first and second floors of his house.
_
3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, and his wife
Bonnie was also injured, when a quarter-stick of dynamite blew up in their
car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and
tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but apparently
failed to notice the window was closed.
_
RUNNER UP
_
TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one
of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma
Narrows
Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at
least ten men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 am. Upon
arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had
brought
a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed
out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One end of the cable was
secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the bridge His
fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the
ankle. He miraculously survived
_
his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
_
"All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that
night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never
located.
_
AND THE WINNER...
_
PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant, Stefan, 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged up pachyderm finally
let fly and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop! Investigators
say
ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive
oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him. "The sheer force of the
elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where
he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued
to
evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police
detective Erik Dern. "With no one there to help him, he lay under all that
dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time
he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that
happen."

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GO Bears!!!!!!!!
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-12-2002, 06:17 PM
Jim
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Location: lith
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Sportbike: trek
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How you found us: the smell
           
the real joke of the day!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

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GO Bears!!!!!!!!
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 09-12-2002, 10:01 PM
Who's faster Lupi
 
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Location: Lake in the Hills, IL
Posts: 4,957
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Sportbike: 2004 ZX10R & 2005 CRF50
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How you found us: SBN
           


OMG thats awsome Jimbo.

NESBA #456 Intermediate
Always 1 step ahead of Lupi. 1:24:7 BHF
And 1 step behind Kimmy

"SoB gets to spend yet ANOTHER season faster than me." -LUPI-
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