People Say the Stupidest Things - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-21-2005, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 757
People Say the Stupidest Things

OK, so Im bored and work sucks. Here yall go:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
- Mariah Carey, pop singer

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

The police are not here to create disorder. They're here to preserve disorder."
- Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party convention

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

The Internet is a great way to get on the Net.
- Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck."
- Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces

Half this game is ninety percent mental.
- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

They're multi-purpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
- Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1,000 for an ordinary pair of pliers

It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe.
- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal anti-smoking campaign

The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.
- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.
- A congressional candidate in Texas

Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam
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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-21-2005, 02:39 PM Thread Starter
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Posts: 757
more bored stuff:

Funny Newspaper Healines:

Funniest Newspaper Headlines Ever
" Crack Found on Governor's Daughter "

" Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says "

" Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers "

" Iraqi Head, Seeks Arms "

" Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? "

" Prostitutes Appeal to Pope "

" Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over "

" Teacher Strikes Idle Kids "

" Miners Refuse to Work after Death "

" Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant "

" War Dims Hope for Peace "

" If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile "

" Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures "

" Enfield, (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide "

" Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges "

" Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge "

" New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group "

" Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft "

" Kids Make Nutritious Snacks "

" Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy "

" Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half "

" Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors "

" Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead "
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-21-2005, 02:55 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Posts: 757
ok, one more:

Tickle-Me-Elmo Factory

A woman gets a new job at a Tickle-me-Elmo factory. It's her first day and the boss tells her what to do and then goes to his office. About a half-hour later a knock is heard at the door. Answering it, the boss finds one of his employees who informs him that the new woman is holding up the whole production line, she is so slow.

The boss assures him he will check it out and does just that. He finds the woman amidst mountains of Tickle-Me-Elmo's in piles everywhere, surrounded by distressed employees. In the new womans hands are a bag of marbles and a strip of red fur material. The boss, seeing this, starts laughing uncontrollably. Getting himself undercontrol, he walks up the the woman.

"I'm sorry, m'am," he says, still giggling a bit, "but I believe you missunderstood me. I said your job was to give each Elmo two 'test tickles"'.
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-21-2005, 03:29 PM
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I like to see that its not just the US politicians that are idiots.

Quayle had his fair share of quotes, though.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

I bleed GREEN
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-21-2005, 03:42 PM
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that is freakin funny
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 02-21-2005, 03:44 PM
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Ok, Quayle should be put under a rock and left there. Man, that guy was stupid. Just like our current president, but Quayle was GOOD at it!
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