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post #1 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 12:30 AM Thread Starter
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What do I tell her?

I'm going to Officer Candidate School this June and lately my girlfriend and I have been having many conversations about marriage and life in the military. She has a lot of questions about military lifestyle and also has a lot of misconceptions, IMO. Ive been searching airwarriors.com for the past few days trying to find pertinent info. Ive found alot of useful info but still not exactly what I'm looking for. Everyone keeps saying to be very honest with her about the way things will be, which i'm doing, but I really don't know a whole lot. What can I tell her to expect? Her major concern seems to be the time we would spend apart as well as raising children with all the moving. I plan on talking to one of the Captains at my OSO who just started a few weeks ago who is a CH-46 pilot. I also thought it would be a good idea for her to talk with him as well. Any info is greatly appreciated. Not sure how many current or present military we have here.
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post #2 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 03:34 AM
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didn't you just post about your first date?? might wanna take a breath here.
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post #3 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 07:09 AM
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didn't you just post about your first date?? might wanna take a breath here.
Yeah, no kidding:
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post #4 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 07:19 AM
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Dude, just get married, you can always get divorced if it doesn't work out.

Last edited by Joe; 04-08-2005 at 05:22 PM.
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post #5 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 07:42 AM
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Easy guys. Some people had years of courtship and ended on divorce, some others get married after knowing someone for a week and live happily ever after. I don't have any advice in the military side... but just give the guy a break and write something constructive.

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post #6 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 07:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joemama
Due, just get married, you can always get divorced if it doesn't work out.
??? This is the attitude that cause most of the problems. Divorce in the military is a big problem, it's way above the national average. Getting hitched after a month or two is probably a bad idea. Military life, especially for pilots, is pretty hectic. Lots of moves, long deployments, etc. There's several people here who have experience in both of these subjects, so let them chime in.

But I suggest not talking too much about this until after OCS. If she can't take the 9 weeks you will be away, she'd have a real problem with a year long deployment.

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post #7 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 07:50 AM
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Okay.....I dont want to bum you out here but this is MY personal experience in your situation.

FORGET about what the future may hold! 90% of all military marriages FAIL! (i include infidelity as a failure) Here is why from what i have seen. I had a VERY serious girlfriend before i went in. Talking marriage, kids, etc.... When i was in EVERYTHING changed! I found friggin GORGEOUS women that were throwing themselves at a man in uniform. Use them and move on cause there are 10 more waiting! The parties are endless and the women are moreso! Here is the sad part.....Married women are the worst!!! When the hubbies were out on manuevers or working they would be looking for the single studs to "fill " their wants. I am talking on 20+ occasions these married women would have 5+ guys at the same time. Needless to say i broke it off with the girl back home and absolutely had no desire for a steady GIRLFRIEND while i was in. Just a piece of meat. Sexist? DEFINITLY but you too will fall into that category as well. Shit the women IN the military were just as bad if not worse! Lotsa a times i thought i "SCORED" when afterwards she said thanks and was leaving! IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL thing!
If you go overseas.....ITS ALL THE BETTER!!!

Here is my advice---Cut her loose as a "I will be faithfull" girlfriend! Keep in touch and rremain friends. If you do not you can mark my words that when you complete your "basic" "ocs" training you will want to rush home and marry her. TRUST me the feelings i said you WILL feel! Do not act on them because you will only be making a mistake! It will pass (the feelings) when you hit the parties.

If its true love than she will be there when you get out.........

Good luck young PIMP Jedi.........Choose the red pill........these are not the droids you are looking for.......

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Last edited by Labdog; 04-05-2005 at 07:54 AM.
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post #8 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 07:59 AM
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I spent some time in the service

Military life can be hard on the entire family, (especially in these turbulent times), I don't know the statistics but I saw some breakups in both military and civilian. The fact that you guys are talking about things first is encouraging and being able to communicate openly and honestly is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
There are definately things in the service that are harder than in civilian life. Having NO choice on where you are going to live is a big one. If you get shipped out (and if you are a career military man), then you will be shipped out and most likely in harms way. Your wife will be by herself to deal with the bills, the children and everything else on her own. If she if far away from her family it is likely she will feel a little abandoned.
One thing you should know though is that all Military wives are in the same situation and they have formed pretty supportive groups. If you end up marrying this girl she may eventually look at the military as a surrogate family just as a matter of survival!
I never met a military brat who didn't complain about being moved around. This was especially hard on the pre-teens and teenagers. I am afraid it discourages making lasting friendships because they move away not so much longer after they make friends it hardens them somewhat.
Add to that the stress of you being aaway in harms way with no concrete time of returning and you soon realize that the real hero's are the family that you leave behind when you ship out. Life is not easy in the military and you cannot help but cringe when people who have normal lifes start bitching about their small problems. If you are choosing this life make absolutely sure that you and your prospective partner have realistic expectations and keep communicating.
If you are doing something worthwhile it is usually never easy. I salute you for choice and wish you both the best.

Been dere done dat dis dere and de udder ting. OH and whatnot
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post #9 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 08:24 AM
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Dude, go in single, you dont need baggage at a time like this.




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post #10 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 08:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Labdog
Okay.....I dont want to bum you out here but this is MY personal experience in your situation.

FORGET about what the future may hold! 90% of all military marriages FAIL! (i include infidelity as a failure) Here is why from what i have seen. I had a VERY serious girlfriend before i went in. Talking marriage, kids, etc.... When i was in EVERYTHING changed! I found friggin GORGEOUS women that were throwing themselves at a man in uniform. Use them and move on cause there are 10 more waiting! The parties are endless and the women are moreso! Here is the sad part.....Married women are the worst!!! When the hubbies were out on manuevers or working they would be looking for the single studs to "fill " their wants. I am talking on 20+ occasions these married women would have 5+ guys at the same time. Needless to say i broke it off with the girl back home and absolutely had no desire for a steady GIRLFRIEND while i was in. Just a piece of meat. Sexist? DEFINITLY but you too will fall into that category as well. Shit the women IN the military were just as bad if not worse! Lotsa a times i thought i "SCORED" when afterwards she said thanks and was leaving! IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL thing!
If you go overseas.....ITS ALL THE BETTER!!!

Here is my advice---Cut her loose as a "I will be faithfull" girlfriend! Keep in touch and rremain friends. If you do not you can mark my words that when you complete your "basic" "ocs" training you will want to rush home and marry her. TRUST me the feelings i said you WILL feel! Do not act on them because you will only be making a mistake! It will pass (the feelings) when you hit the parties.

If its true love than she will be there when you get out.........

Good luck young PIMP Jedi.........Choose the red pill........these are not the droids you are looking for.......
+1

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post #11 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 08:42 AM
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Dude if you really care about her, you wouldnt want her to go through that life, dont be selfish man, let her go.




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Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

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post #12 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 08:47 AM
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Labdog just made me want to join the military...

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post #13 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 08:49 AM
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I think you should choose between the 2 choices. It looks as if OBC was your plan all along though so I'd stick with that.

I'm sure a lot of guys could testify that relationships can complicate your long term life plans and sometimes you need to choose between them.

I suggest chillin out on the relationship in terms of marrage talk for a while. Be upfront with her though and tell her she's great but you are a man and you gotta do this thing or you won't be satisfied with yourself in the long run.

She'll either be cool or be pissed about this. IMO, a decent person should be cool with letting you have the freedom you need to accomplish your life's ambitions.

On the reality side, come on man you are what 22 years old. Don't even think about marrage right now. You are a man and that means you have another 10 years at least before you need to start thinking about these things.

At the present time you should be trying to make something of yourself and the only way this is going to happen is if you sacrafice, challenge yourself, and experience things. Then when you are older you will be able to say, been there, done that. It will make you more satisfied to be a self made man. It will make you more ready to sacrafice for a wife and family once you have put some of these thigs behind you.

I'm not saying you should got whore around like some here. I'm not saying you should jump into marrage and start planning for a divorce either.

Have some dignity, be a man, accomplish something good with your life. Either she'll respect this or you'll be on your own again but don't worry there are many more fish in the sea.

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post #14 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 09:18 AM
 
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labdog said it best!!! And it was the truth too…you don't want a wife in the military....99% chance she'll be banging your subordinates...then you get divorced and she takes your car, house, and dog
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post #15 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by logtar
Easy guys. Some people had years of courtship and ended on divorce, some others get married after knowing someone for a week and live happily ever after. I don't have any advice in the military side... but just give the guy a break and write something constructive.
thanks and i'm not saying that we are talking about going and getting married tommorrow but we are talking about the future and what it would be like if we were to get married with me in the service. You guys say don't go in with any ties but I know how I am and know that for me I need a strong foundation of support during a hard time like flight school.

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post #16 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 09:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by logtar
Easy guys. Some people had years of courtship and ended on divorce, some others get married after knowing someone for a week and live happily ever after. I don't have any advice in the military side... but just give the guy a break and write something constructive.
Telling him to take a breath is constructive.

Now for my part, it's hard enough to have a lasting marriage after a month as a civilian, add military to it, and you're headin for disaster. Just MHO.
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post #17 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 09:38 AM
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Dude. Flight School? you need our mind on the game. If I were you I would take the words of ex military guys posting in this thread very seriously. ask yourself this, does she deserve that life of wondering whats happening to you or if you out there floating in the med among a wreck. I dont hink she does, if its meant to be she will be there when you get out. Your gonna have all the support you need from your fellow canidates, they will become like family, and she is only going to cloud your thinking.




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post #18 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 09:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoomByU
but I know how I am and know that for me I need a strong foundation of support during a hard time like flight school.

PSSSTTTtttttttt..........FAMILY is the strongest foundation you can POSSIBLY have.

<--Kelly

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post #19 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 10:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joemama
Due, just get married, you can always get divorced if it doesn't work out.
This is in the running for the "worst advice ever given" contest.

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post #20 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 10:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bwa
Telling him to take a breath is constructive.
I was referring more to the Divorce comment about the constructive. But I still stand behind towards the give him a break. The advice is great but he is obviously in love. No amount of anyone telling him that it is too soon will change his mind one he has it set.

I think everything posted here has been excellent, like I said before I have no clue what it is to be in the military so, no perspective there.

Family should be your rock for sure(Kelly is always right, listen to that dude ), God and of course country. She might be the woman of your life just make sure you make a decision you can live with. Move forwards and no regrets.

I also think that he is not talking about getting married before going, just trying to get some military marriage examples so he can talk to her about what life really is out there. That is why I thought jumping down his throath about getting married was wrong. He thinks she has a misconception about it... it might be the other way around. Keep your experiences coming.

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post #21 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 12:35 PM
 
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Are you an ROTC cadet? If so, talk to some of your commissioned cadre. ESPECIALLY if any of them have been divorced while in. Trust me, your support system while you're at flight school will be your friends/family back home and your fellow students. Your girlfriend won't be able to relate, she'll be bored (most military towns are pretty small with not a ton to do) and eventually she'll resent the fact that you need to spend 90% of your time studying with your classmates and not spending it with her.

I'm not saying it *can't* work, I'm just saying you will be taking a difficult task and making it 10x moreso (both flight school and the relationship).

In the end it all comes down to how committed each of you are. Have several long, serious talks about this. Discuss the sacrifices both of you will have to make and then make your best judgement call from there.

Nothing is guaranteed, in the service or out.
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post #22 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 05:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Underdog


Labdog just made me want to join the military...
no shit
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post #23 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-05-2005, 06:43 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by peepshow
Are you an ROTC cadet?
no i'm going to OCS through Platoon Leaders Class with the Marines, I go between my junior and senior year. I plan on talking to the officers at my Officer Selection Office about this as well as a few enlisted guys.

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post #24 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-2005, 04:23 PM
 
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Go into OCS single but post her phone number here before you leave. All of EMR will call her and try to score a date and a quick shocker (no offense!).

If she doesn't fall for the charm and charisma of EMR, then you know you have a keeper and can marry her when you get out.

Seriously, i've been married for 4 years and with my wife for 9 years prior to marriage. Marriage is not an easy thing for anyone. The world changes and people change. It takes a lot of time, effort and communication to keep a marriage in good shape. It's not some cakewalk where "love" just makes every day magically perfect!
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post #25 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-2005, 04:30 PM
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When I was in the Army alot of wives would cheat on their husbands when they were gone.

Sucks but true. We knew when a unit was gone on a training exercise because there would be alot of 'new' women at the clubs.

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post #26 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-06-2005, 10:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoomByU
I'm going to Officer Candidate School this June and lately my girlfriend and I have been having many conversations about marriage and life in the military. She has a lot of questions about military lifestyle and also has a lot of misconceptions, IMO.
I don't think it's so much a matter of what you should tell her as much as what she is trying to tell you. If she is having these questions and doubts now, it could be a sign of things to come. Proceed cautiously.

The other thing I would suggest is to talk to a Marine chaplain; I'm sure they deal with these issues a lot, although they may be constrained by whatever clergy-client priviledge that may be in effect as to what they can tell you.

I saw wat you posted in CF and suggest you keep in contact with Union Jack.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZoomByU
God has really pressed these verses on my heart after writing this:
James 1:2-4, 1:12
You prompted me to look these passages up and they deal with endurance in times of trial. I don't know if the context deals with persecution or not, but I don't recommend using these passages as a sign to take on more than you can handle. Also, for some reason, the thought occurred to me to read on to verses 14-15.

"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it." - JP2

"Life is just a place where we spend time between games" - former Philadelphia Flyers coach Fred Shero

"everyone's a nutjob, some just have more restraint than others" - EndlessRR
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post #27 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-07-2005, 11:44 AM
 
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your drill instructors will play this card too...every day you're there they'll tell you while your in boot camp that your girl is banging all your friends back home.

Just so you know too, if you're planning on having her move out to base with you, that's why people end up getting married. They start by just wanting their girlfriends out there with them and then realize they can't afford the 2 of them and/or it would just make more financial sense to get married (either that or they knock em up). So I'd have to say the main reason why military marriages don't work is because they get married for the wrong reasons.
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post #28 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-08-2005, 01:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meech
...They start by just wanting their girlfriends out there with them and then realize they can't afford the 2 of them and/or it would just make more financial sense to get married (either that or they knock em up). So I'd have to say the main reason why military marriages don't work is because they get married for the wrong reasons.
Good point(s).
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post #29 of 29 (permalink) Old 04-09-2005, 10:59 AM
 
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Any girl dating a guy has a right to know what to expect of a future life with him. She damn well better have the sense to ask these questions now, and I salute her for that. Having her talk to the Chaplain is a GREAT idea, or send her to the Key Wives group on the local base. You should also talk to the chaplain about this too. He knows the territory! And consider dating for 6-8 months to a year. If she can hack it, she might be a keeper.
Its true that some wives cheat while their husbands are on a cruise in the western Pacific. These 'WestPac Widows' tarnish the reputation of all the other good wives. And yes, there are plenty of good faithful wives.
Some advice I got one time was "If you think you're in love, go jack off. Then if you still want to see her after you busted a nut, it might be love. If you don't want to see her then, then it was just lust."
If you do marry, now or later, go to Church regularly. That's a good stabilizing force in any marriage. It also gives her some decent friends to rely upon.
Best of luck to ya. Let us know what you do.
Rob H
Sgt USMC
1985-1994
drbub22 is offline  
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