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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 11:36 AM Thread Starter
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Need advice and opinions...

I think that I am at a boiling point here---a year and a half ago I moved out of a relationship and an apartment back home to mom and stepdad.
Things have been ok- I make it a point to never be home so we have been out of eachother's hair. Until recently....everything I do they are very concerned with....from my dentist appointments, to my injured feet, to the latest kicker, MY car. I had brought it in to VW for service, it also has a plugged tire from a recent (yesterday) flat. Little did I know that my stepfather had called VW and told them to call HIM before they did anything to the car.... the car I bought, i pay for...its completely mine NO cosigning....
I told dad i was offended and now mom says im ungrateful......? WTF is going on here!???? Am I wrong? Im old enough now to do shit on my own...although I feel like a teenie bopper asking you all for your opinions...I dont know whats happenin!

p.s.- stepdad has always been controlling and irritating but never this bad.

I understand I need to move out but when rent is more expensive than my old apartment rent, and I am trying to pay off a bike....I am unable to move out and live on my own!
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 11:50 AM
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just move in with brian.

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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 11:51 AM
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Did ya ask HIM why he did that? Since your payin' for it I'll bet he doesn't want them to screw ya with bullsh!t work. If it bugs ya, tell HIM.

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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 11:52 AM
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I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I know if I ever had to live with my parents they'd be the exact same way. In fact, when I go to visit them they can get overbearing at times.

Depending on how well you communicate with them I would suggest that you just openly tell your step-dad that while you do appreciate his concern, you can take care of things yourself. Try not to be confontational about it, so hopefully he'll just back off.

With parents it doesn't matter how old you are, you're still their son/daughter and they'll feel the need to help you out and protect you. I'm almost 30 and my mom and step-dad still worry like when I was a teenager.... and they live in New Mexico.

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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SloRoll
Did ya ask HIM why he did that? Since your payin' for it I'll bet he doesn't want them to screw ya with bullsh!t work. If it bugs ya, tell HIM.
I did. I told him i was offended and he went out like a baby and called my mom, so she called me to tell me I am ungrateful

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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 11:56 AM
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StepDad was probably just trying to help by making sure the dealer did not rip you off. I would not be offended.

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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 11:56 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chills
I can sympathize with how you are feeling. I know if I ever had to live with my parents they'd be the exact same way. In fact, when I go to visit them they can get overbearing at times.

Depending on how well you communicate with them I would suggest that you just openly tell your step-dad that while you do appreciate his concern, you can take care of things yourself. Try not to be confontational about it, so hopefully he'll just back off.

With parents it doesn't matter how old you are, you're still their son/daughter and they'll feel the need to help you out and protect you. I'm almost 30 and my mom and step-dad still worry like when I was a teenager.... and they live in New Mexico.

good advice, thanks chills
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:01 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook
just move in with brian.





you nerd
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessica anne
I did. I told him i was offended and he went out like a baby and called my mom, so she called me to tell me I am ungrateful

You shouldn't have said you were offended. You woulda' been better off saying that you appreciated his concern, BUT you wanted to handle this on your own. All with a BIG smile.

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Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Zappa 1974

And I said....."Look here brother, who you jiving with that cosmik debris? Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Zappa 1974
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maoisn
StepDad was probably just trying to help by making sure the dealer did not rip you off. I would not be offended.
+1

They are concerned for your well being it sounds.

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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:05 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SloRoll
You shouldn't have said you were offended. You woulda' been better off saying that you appreciated his concern, BUT you wanted to handle this on your own. All with a BIG smile.

Riiiiiiiight! You got it baby! I think I am going to sell all of my belongings (except the bike) ship it over to maui, and live in a shanty and just bathe in the ocean. Whos comin with me?
I hear the meth is really good there
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:10 PM
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I wouldn't be offended...A lot of times dealerships or any car repair shop think they can take advantage of girls, and just think none of us know anything about cars, I'm thinking that your step dad had good intentions and just didn't want them to take you to the bank and back. However I don't know your step dad....... If my step dad did that I would thank him for his concern and tell him I would like to handle those kind of matters myself.

Whenever something goes wrong with the car my BF fixes it. Before him and I were together I would call my grandfather and ask him to come with me if I needed to take my car in, because he knows a lot more about cars then me, and it was just nice to have him around, and if he were to do something like that I wouldn't mind, because he is my pop, and he can do no wrong in my eyes....haha.....and sometimes he would offer to pay and that I REALLY didn't mind, a girl on a single income who has a car note, a mortgage, and all the bills of an average citizens can appreciate a little help when it comes to stuff like that!! I know how the whole step dad - step daughter relationship goes...especially if their a jerk...

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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:12 PM
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Here's an expression that I've coined, feel free to pass it around.

"There's a difference between mothering and smothering and right now, you're smothering."

Basically, your word choice (offended) is not good, but its out of the bag, so I would recommend telling them "I appreciate your concern and desire to help me, but how can I learn to make responsible decisions if you don't let me make any on my own?"

Good luck.

Crash (living in his parents house, but without the parents - a nearly IDEAL situation!)
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessica anne
Riiiiiiiight! You got it baby! I think I am going to sell all of my belongings (except the bike) ship it over to maui, and live in a shanty and just bathe in the ocean. Whos comin with me?
I hear the meth is really good there

OK, I'll be leaving this thread now.

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Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Zappa 1974

And I said....."Look here brother, who you jiving with that cosmik debris? Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Zappa 1974
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:21 PM
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I'm with GixxerChick and Chills. I am 44... I have parents that would still do the same. Parents are parents. they have less to do, and less to contribute as we age. having 4 daughters, I see this in my own parenting. How much do I help my sophomore in college? How much do I leave alone? Either way, odds are, I'll pick the wrong one.

Even if you dind't live there, you would still have some of the same issues. By living there, they have the opportunity to try and be involved more, which means that naturally you will be more annoyed since there is more to deal with.

Although he may be controlling, he is being himself. We still have to accept people as they are. If that isn't something that we can deal with, then we need to find other people to be around. Sometimes, the choices are not the easiest.

Best of luck with it, however you choose to move forward.

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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:24 PM
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Yea pretty much everyone is saying the same thing here so i'll put in my .02
If your stepdad looks at you like his daughter and not as your mom's daughter then he's looking out for you... and yea car dealer ships do jerk around girls a lot...
If you are still annoyed by it or keeps on goin with everyhing else, just tell them you want to sit down with them and tell them you are a grown adult, and to give you your space. If you need help you'll ask, whcih everyone does. Plus if you were living there before then moved out and moved back in, it's like your a teenager for them all over again... they prolly miss that?? Parents dont seem to want to acept the fact that their lil one is grown up, at least mine dont. And I'm a Daddy's Lil girl all the way and it's so ahrd to tell him that he has to back off and let me do my own thing, and learn things on my own. I know it hurts him in some ways... but that's life.

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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 12:35 PM
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My whole life I have never wanted anyone helping me with anything and finally 24 years later I figured out everyone needs some help sometimes, sometimes it's done without us asking, and sometimes we have to ask. When I was a kid I remember when I was learning to ride without training wheels my mom and my other step dad were standing next to me and would always throw their hands out when they thought I was going to fall, but I wouldn't. I got so pissed, I stopped the bike and yelled at both of them, and told them to leave me alone, that I didn't need their help...blah blah....same thing happen when I started on my dirtbike, and that's pretty much how I've always been EXCEPT with my pop (grandfather) and that also caused a lot of problems with my BF and I, and it was actually ONE of the reasons we broke up a couple of months ago.....because I thought I needed no ones help, and if it was offered I would get offended, like when he would offer to do everything on my bike, I would always get all pissy with him, thinking oh what you think just because I'm a girl I can't do it?!?! Or when he would get scared when I would start riding crazy, I would get bitchy....But he's just lookin out for me, and the same goes with everyone else. When my BF and I did break up, I started to realize I really did need some help every once and a while, like when my bike fell off the stand and I had to pick it up, I picked it up wrong and really injured my back....all I had to do was call and ask for some damn help, but my pride would always get in the way.

So now I've learned how to accept help or how to ask for help....It's a good thing to learn....I think it'll help our relationship this time around, and it'll also help me in my future experiences.


EDIT - When I bitched my mom and other step dad out for helping me when I was like 5 ummm yeah I got grounded

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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 01:01 PM
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Yeah, I say be thankful for the help. Car shops will dick around anyone who doesn't know about cars, including myself. I am to much of a softie to negotiate with them, so I usually will have my pop fix it, or have him take it to a shop if it is above his head. I don't mind asking my parents for help if it is something I know they won't have a problem with. Now, there was no damn way I was going to ask my dad to come help me buy a new sportbike. He only found out when I rode it in the driveway. That was wrong, but I knew he would freak out; but anyway, I am sure your step dad is just looking out for you.

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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 01:18 PM
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How old are you?

In this instance, it sounds like your stepdad had your best interests at heart. My advice? Be grateful... and be gracious.

I wish my Dad was still around to "help".

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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 01:22 PM Thread Starter
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agreed.....BUT

JUST got back from dealer, I talked to the service guy, turns out him and my stepdad got into an argument! I said, "Leave me out of this I am in one of my own!" We alllllll know that leaving a bad mark at the dealership/autostore/whatever is not a good idea...so I had to do some mending so the service guy would understand this whole issue- so I told the service guy from now on only talk to me if there is a problem.

See, I like to think I know a bit more about cars than the average female..I will safely guess most women on this site do... I research and review before talking shop...I have never been taken advantage of (except on a ballys membership pass which is a whole other story )
VW has never done anything to me to make me question them, the service guy even told me to go get tires and patch elsewhere (like sears) because they are too pricey at VW. They know not to bullshit me because I am able to understand that when they say "Your blinker light fluid is low.." I can tell them to kiss my butt.
Thanks for all of the advice guys- I know you are all correct in that he is just being protective but he should have just called me first without getting into it with the service guy! that poor dood.
Just like rep points here on this site they count elsewhere....
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jessica anne
JUST got back from dealer, I talked to the service guy, turns out him and my stepdad got into an argument! .

I think your stepdad and my dad should get together and go bowling or something. He has never taken a car or bike in for service and not been "screwed"
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 09-29-2005, 02:08 PM
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Man, I'm glad I'm old and don't need to deal with that kind of stuff. Of course, I'm now on the flip side with my kids.

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