F#ck John Madden (Player Ratings) - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:32 AM Thread Starter
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F#ck John Madden (Player Ratings)

This is hilarious

Quote:
To: John Madden
CC: Electronic Arts Sports
From: Ethan Albright
Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden '07

Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the
Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I'll
continue.

I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I
have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is
fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed
Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a
Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game.
That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall
rating was sniffing 80.

You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking
12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever,
except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will
spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will
never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that,
pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for
Red Beard.

It?s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You
make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and
piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I
am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand
you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating
like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod 'He Hate Me'
Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that
seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of
the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in
sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language.
The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this
embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to
wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit
teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60?

I guess I just can't fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst
player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some
shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute
worst.

I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in
the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living
room where I don't crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a
resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It
makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too
fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at
365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her
wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut.

Red Alert! John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that
my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you
feel that I shouldn't even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are
pretty much saying that I couldn?t even fall forward on a ball
kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball
bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an
onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4
on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns.

Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass
coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage
(31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did
these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up
with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have
that job? Let's see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be
slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen.
While I'm at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive
lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide.

I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16.
Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did
someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace
edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I
will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of
greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not
only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He
also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my
senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing
the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards
in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once
and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness
rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I'm a
fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be
synonymous with toughness.

According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass
fuckwad that can't fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am,
however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than
dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more
each year, old man.

When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. Fuck you, John. Please
expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the
rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down
the thunder.

Rot in Hell,

Ethan Albright

Tom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tacitus
In a state where corruption abounds, laws must be very numerous.
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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:34 AM
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:35 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vcook
Stop doing that

Tom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tacitus
In a state where corruption abounds, laws must be very numerous.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:37 AM
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Like Madden really rates the players himself. That's like blaming Mario because you're too stupid to jump over that fucking green turtle in the first level.

Edit: hahahaha, I knew that letter was writen too well for a NFL player with a rating of 53.

Jeff
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:38 AM
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hahaha

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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:40 AM
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:41 AM
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This is classic!!!!!
post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:42 AM
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This has got to be the best line!!!!!!


Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass
coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage
(31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox.


Here is another one since I did not read all the way through it before LOL


When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks.
post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 09:49 AM Thread Starter
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This might be my favorite:

Quote:
You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking
12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever,
except for in the category of ball-licking.

Tom

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tacitus
In a state where corruption abounds, laws must be very numerous.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 10:20 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shadrach
Like Madden really rates the players himself. That's like blaming Mario because you're too stupid to jump over that fucking green turtle in the first level.


Good analogy.


It's a funny letter but I only have a vague idea what all those numbers mean.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

I bleed GREEN
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 10:29 AM
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Thats pretty good


LOL

"Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at
365 ponds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her
wear a metal bikini, he'd look just like Jabba the Hut."

Eric
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 10:34 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chills
Good analogy.


It's a funny letter but I only have a vague idea what all those numbers mean.
Its a rating system the game uses.......

Basically its kinda like someone owning a porsche and letting the motor rev but just dosent let the clutch really engage on a turn. You know that sound i am speaking of right?


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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 11:31 AM
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That was fucking hilarious, I had to be told to be quiet here in the library at EC because I was laughing out loud.

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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 12:29 PM
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Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox
, steve i agree, i'm gonna have to start using this at work

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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 12:37 PM
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Classic.
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post #16 of 16 (permalink) Old 11-09-2006, 12:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Labdog
Its a rating system the game uses.......

Basically its kinda like someone owning a porsche and letting the motor rev but just dosent let the clutch really engage on a turn. You know that sound i am speaking of right?


bwahahahahah. I am still getting used to the clutch.

Never a bad time to climb... unless the weather is really horrible, and then you climb inside!

I bleed GREEN
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