Humor for the Week - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-13-2003, 10:22 AM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
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Humor for the Week

In honor of Mother's Day, what better way to remember her than all the VALUABLE lessons that she taught you?

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about PATIENCE.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
" Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
" Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, ''Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

"A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on ."

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Learn Korean in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)
That's not right.......................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive......Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP.........................Kum Hia
Stupid Man............................Dum Gai
Small Horse...........................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach.............Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped the coffee table...........Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift..........Chin Tu Fat
It's Very dark in here................Wao So Dim
I Thought you were on a diet.......Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone.............No Pah King Our meeting is scheduled for next week............Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight...................Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile .......Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive.........Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great....................................Fa Kin Su Pah
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Management parables

Parable Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Parable Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Parable Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Parable Number 4:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, they passed some people who remarked "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding". The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey". The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know in retrospect the following bit of nostalgia makes more sense than ever before. Unfortunately, the author is unknown as someone sent it to me.

"Hey, Dad," one of my kids asked the other day, "What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?"

"We didn't have fast food when I was growing up," I informed him. "All the food was slow."

"C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?"

"It was a place called 'at home,' " I explained.

"Grandma Stewart cooked every day and when Grandpa Stewart got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it."

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I had figured his system could handle it:

My parents NEVER:
owned their own house,
wore Levis,
set foot on a golf course,
traveled out of the country,
had a credit card.

In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was because we never had heard of soccer. But also because we didn't have a car. We actually WALKED to school, even when there was a foot of snow on the ground.

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 15, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day.

I was 16 before I tasted my first pizza. It was at Luigi's Pizza on the west side of Cleveland and my friend, Ronnie, took me there to try what he said was "pizza pie." When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Plymouth. He called it a "machine."

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

There was no such thing as a computer or a hand held calculator. We were required to memorize the "times tables." Believe it or not, we were tested each week on our ability to perform mathematics with nothing but a pencil and paper.

We took a spelling test every day.

There was no such thing as a "social promotion". If you flunked a class, you repeated that grade the following year.

Nobody was concerned about our "self esteem." We had to actually DO something praiseworthy before we were praised. We learned that respect had to be EARNED.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered the Cleveland "News" six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were
the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

Drugs were something one purchased at a pharmacy in order to cure various diseases.

When you were sick, the doctor actually came to your home. (No, I am not making this up.)

If we dared to "sass" our parents, or any other grown-up, we immediately found out what soap tasted like. For more serious infractions, we learned about something called a "trip to the woodshed." In those days, parents were expected to discipline their children when necessary.

There was no interference by the government. "Social Services" or "Family Services" had not been invented. (The ninth and tenth amendments to the constitution were still observed in those days.)

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing. Growing up ain't what it used to be.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple is vacationing in Texas. BOB always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"

Helen looks him over, "Nope."

BOB says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Helen looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, BOB storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looks up and says, "BOB, what's different? Old Spark is hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, BOB yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN?

IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "You should have bought a hat, BOB, you should have bought a hat".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are equally tired and discontent. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women.. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.

REMEMBER, this chain brings luck.

One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living with his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!

One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below!

Bill Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Mr. Willie Clinton
780 3rd Ave
New York, NY 10017

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-13-2003, 12:31 PM
Who's faster Lupi
 
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Lake in the Hills, IL
Posts: 4,957
Location: Lake in the Hills, IL
Sportbike: 2004 ZX10R & 2005 CRF50
Years Riding: 20
How you found us: SBN
           
Hey guys, look. Kimmy's back.

NESBA #456 Intermediate
Always 1 step ahead of Lupi. 1:24:7 BHF
And 1 step behind Kimmy

"SoB gets to spend yet ANOTHER season faster than me." -LUPI-
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 05-13-2003, 12:47 PM
Human lawn dart
 
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Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Palatine
Posts: 5,746
Location: Palatine
Sportbike: 03 ninja 6r 05 ttr-230 04 klx300r
Years Riding: 12
How you found us: I know all
           
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My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My dad's favorite saying

I'm not short. I'm aerodynamically efficient.

Anti Helmet Laws Pro Darwinism
MotoGP 200 mph no roll cage
NESBA # 599
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