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post #1 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 09:41 AM Thread Starter
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Monday Funnies.

The difference between Republicans and Democrats


A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed. When they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept 15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five.

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There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.

Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll provide him with a new sedan every year, and his lovely wife with a mini van, to transport their children!" The congregation sighs, and applauds.

Rabinowitz, the entrepreneur and investor stands and says, "If the rabbi stays, I'll double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of his children!!" More sighs and applause.

Mrs. Rabinowitz, aged 70, stands and announces, "If the rabbi stays, I'll give him SEX!!" There is a hush. The rabbi, blushing, asks, "Mrs. Rabinowitz, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Mrs. Rabinowitz answers, "I just asked My husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the rabbi.'
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If you come to New Orleans, you better say it right. It's pronounced "Nawlenz". No one from here says "New Orleens" unless they are writing a song or they want their ass kicked.

It's hot. It's humid. It rains. Those are the only 3 weather patterns we have here.

No one eats healthy. Fried Batter is actually a menu item in some restaurants.

Giving directions to a non-local in New Orleans is a waste of time. Every street intersects with each other. No two streets run parallel to each other. The West Bank is actually East of the city. It would take too long to explain.

1 out of 3 street names are impossible to pronounce unless you were born in New Orleans, or you are a cajun.

If the levee breaks, everyone here will die. No one seems worried about this problem either.

There are 365 days in the year. There are 414 parties/festivals in New Orleans. (That's just on a slow month).

Louisiana Driving Rules:

1. A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Louisiana driver never uses them. Use of them in New Orleans may be illegal.

3. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow".

4. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. (Reason: no insurance)

SOUTHERN ADVICE

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim.

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services ... The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives ... The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards.

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-a-lance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

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How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.
The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.
The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.
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"Are You Lonesome Tonight?"
The Elvis Senior Citizen Song

Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums?
Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day...
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

Is your hairline receding, are your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain...do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

Is your blood pressure up, your cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit, Metamucil to boot,
keeps you like a well-oiled machine.

If it's hockey, or baseball... he sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at... but forgets what it's for.
So, your gall bladder's gone, and his gout lingers on.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

When you're hungry, he's not. When you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right.
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

He was once so romantic, and witty and smart.
How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets.
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And finally, the definitive difference between airplanes and women

Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.
Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.
Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's a bitch

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #2 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 09:59 AM
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ok just a thought but i think any joke that starts out w/

"so and so were walking down the street"

should end with a "singing do wa ditty ditty dum ditty do"

Willard: When I was home after my first tour, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said "yes" to a divorce. When I was here, I wanted to be there; when I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle.
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post #3 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 10:00 AM
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Great ones Kim!

Just to add (coming from the souththat is)

Yankee definitions from a suthenr!

Yankee- Someone from the North.

Damn Yankee- Someone from the north that moves down South!

God Damn Yankee-- Someone from the North who moves to the South and talks about how good it was up in the North!

<--Kelly

.

2000 Hayabusa
2006 Honda CRF50
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post #4 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 10:52 AM
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I loved the New Orleans stuff, I gotta send this to my friend. We are ordering our tickets tonight for our trip down there. Can't wait.
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post #5 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 10:54 AM
Old bikes RULE! RIDE ONE!
 
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Location: Clippingtheapex, OH
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Sportbike: Aspencade - sold, GSX-R 1000, GSX 600 F - sold, CB 250, DT 100 A, JR 50
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Sure, make me laugh on a Monday! How dare you!
Taborn

"For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, 'He has a demon.' The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard..."

The first turn is the worst turn, between the left ear and the right one.
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post #6 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 10:55 AM
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Thanks Kim. I'm gonna have to show that airplane/woman comparisonto the guys at the airport.

Chuck
CFII-SMEL

Synthetic Lifelike Organism Responsible for Observation and Logical Learning - SLOROLL

Remember there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. Zappa 1974

And I said....."Look here brother, who you jiving with that cosmik debris? Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Zappa 1974
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post #7 of 7 (permalink) Old 05-19-2003, 11:22 AM
Old bikes RULE! RIDE ONE!
 
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Clippingtheapex, OH
Posts: 2,853
Location: Clippingtheapex, OH
Sportbike: Aspencade - sold, GSX-R 1000, GSX 600 F - sold, CB 250, DT 100 A, JR 50
Years Riding: since dirt was new and Jesus was a baby
How you found us: Doc, CherryPicker, BFree - The Paddock at Grattan Raceway
           
Are we going back to the dream bike/plane discussion?

Taborn

"For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, 'He has a demon.' The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Here is a glutton and a drunkard..."

The first turn is the worst turn, between the left ear and the right one.
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