Humor for the Week - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-27-2003, 12:40 PM Thread Starter
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Humor for the Week

A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.

He says, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."

"That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off & put em back in the bowl."
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One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was."

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick."
The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew."
The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy, Adam, raised his hand and said, "Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Adam. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2."
As the teacher was giving Adam his money, she said, "You know, Adam, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."
"I know, Miss," Adam replied, "in my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business."

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So where is the vast backwater for wanna-be journalists? Church bulletins, of course. Witness the following examples:

At last word, Emily Hess is alright. She went to the ER where she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

Father Bob was released from the hospital on Tuesday, but is still under the doctor's car for physical therapy.

Bill Williams reports that his knee trouble seems to be better after being admitted to the hospital. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

Remember to pray for Sister Miriam. She is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Suzie writes that her honeymoon with Pastor Bob has been the thrill of a wifetime.

The topic of discussion for our PROSPECTIVE PARENTS SEMINAR is "Should your little boy be circus sized?"

ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.

Pray for Mrs. Barrett. For the past three weeks she has been numb from the toes down.

As far as Brother Brown's physical condition is concerned, the lab reports that he has abnormal lover function.

Art Jones, who was suffering from chest pains, was scheduled to have an electrocardiogram...but took a job as a stockbroker instead.

We want everybody to know that safety is one of our priorities. Driving slowly on church property is a necessity or we may have to install bums on the driveway.

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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

RUSH LIMBAUGH
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

MARTHA STEWART
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

VOLTAIRE
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

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Ten reasons why golf is better than sex:

1. A below par performance is considered good.
2. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
3. It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
4. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
6. Three times a day is possible.
7. Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
8. If you live in Sun City, you can do it every day.
9. You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.
10. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

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And speaking of sex the following have been proven in research. I wish I'd been a test case...

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!

7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.

9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
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An old Italian woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. The little old Italian woman says, "my, what nice aromas"! One turns to the old Italian woman and says ARROGANTLY, "Romance" by Ralph Loren, $150 an ounce!"

The other young and beautiful woman also very ARROGANTLY turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

The little Italian woman is feeling very insulted from the remarks made to her. About 3 floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says... "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral -- I'm a gynecologist."

At that point, the proctologist fainted.

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-27-2003, 12:54 PM
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-27-2003, 01:22 PM
 
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OMG I needed that!
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 05-27-2003, 01:32 PM
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Kim,

You forgot one:

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Mohammed al-Saheef (the Iraqi information minister):

This is an infidel lie! Even now there are no chickens even within 100 miles of the road!

"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it." - JP2

"Life is just a place where we spend time between games" - former Philadelphia Flyers coach Fred Shero

"everyone's a nutjob, some just have more restraint than others" - EndlessRR
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