The latest 35 minutes of my life...
I just took a bath, yes, a bath on a Friday afternoon, not a shower, a bath, because:
1. I'm a homo. No, no, no, I'm just kidding. What I am, though, is, well, not technically a total invalid, but let's say upper body dexteritally challenged. Which is to say, I have a cast on my right arm and a sprained left shoulder, so when it comes time to get clean, it's just easier to flop around in a tub full of soapy water and rinse off, much like a child does, and since it is my inner child who is responsible for my current woes, I figure I may as well make like my metaphorical Roman. (When in Rome...)
and 2. I fucking reeked. It's such a pain in the ass to get clean like this, and I have to admit that I like to wallow in my funk at times, especially when I'm also wallowing in boredom and self-pity. It seems arty, and besides, I grew my hair out, and it looks awesome when it's kinda greasy. Well, I think so; my wife, not so much, and anyway, it's now moot, as I had a haircut this morning. But enough was enough. I hadn't bathed since, hmm, let's see, Tuesday, so I was smelling seriously French. (Ironically, I went the Gallic Route before my haircut this morning; liberal applications of Gold Bond to the pits and crotch in lieu of any actual cleansing. Of course, then I just smelled like mentholated funk, but, oh well, I tried something, anyway). It was time for some hygiene.
So, I turned the water on, hopped in, and kind of worked on a crossword (I'm right-handed, so of course, I can barely write, and I can't read anything I do manage to scrawl out, but I already finished reading this month's CW, so there you go) while the tub filled. After the tub was full, I just settled back to relax and listen to the new NIN album. (Did anyone else download this? The Slip? I actually dl'ed the whole 1.4 Gig wave file, but I can't get it to play on my old PC, but no worries, I still got the lower res version, and the album is pretty good, especially the latter tracks...) As I'm laying there, soaking off the filth and grooving to the beats, I catch movement on the periphery of my vision and turn my head to see a fucking spider crawling up the wall opposite me. Let me just say right now, so you know where this is heading: I fucking hate fucking spiders. Hate them. I will squeal like a fucking schoolgirl if there is a fucking spider on my person or even in my personal fucking space. Funny, people usually hate either spiders or snakes, rarely both. Well, I could wake up with a snake trying to hump on my pecker and not mind it too much, heck, maybe even like it, who knows? but I have always, and will always, hate fucking spiders, so maybe you can forgive me for being, shall we say, extremely alert with regard to this evil little arachnid's whereabouts at all times once he popped up on my grid.
In other words, I couldn't take my eyes off him, because I was mildly terrified. On the other hand, I was inclined to let him go about his business if he was inclined to just not fuck with me. This is a rare state of affairs when it comes to Jim/Fucking Spider relationships, but like I said, I'm hurt, so I wasn't too eager to haul my stupid ass out of the tub just to squash Mr. Evil Fucking ThousandEyes. Of course, he didn't see things my way. He bolted, like an eight-legged, flaming hellstallion, straight up the wall and across the ceiling to the area more or less directly above my now-throbbing head. (No not that one, my actual head, pay attention). I was not in the least thrilled by this, but I decided to test my mettle and just watch him, because we have friends coming over tonight, and dammit! I must rejoin the ranks of the reekless.
Well, he fucked around up there for a seeming eternity, and all the while, I stared at him as my heart audibly palpated and effluvia slowly eminated from my orifi, but, after a fashion, he headed back across the ceiling to his side of the tub enclosure, and I began to think that perhaps I might live to see another day, when suddenly, he replicated himself into TWO fucking spiders.
Ok, actually, he didn't replicate, but he did get back to the intersection of the wall and the ceiling, where there was another f-f-fuh-fucking spider. The illusion was incredible, but it didn't really matter anyway as any mere conventional appearance of multiple arachnids is enough to send me off to WiggyTown. And these guys had a sinister plan, I'm sure of it. You know how I know? Because after they shared the obligatory let's-fucking-get-Jim secret-fucking-handshake, one of them shot back over to the spot right above my now bleeding-from-the-ears-eyes-and-nose melon and cavorted around while the other one flipped me little hairy middle digits and generally just tried to distract me. As you can imagine, I was just done with this shit. I mean, if they hadn't actually been in contact with each other seconds before, or if one of them would have just headed over to the area above the shitter (which would've been at least better, since I wasn't on the shitter, nooo, I was currently shitting in a tub full of soapy water), maybe I could have abided, Semi-Dudelike, this situation.
But no, they had to mess with the wrong guy. I flew outta there and set out, naked, dripping, and in a fair amount of pain, in search of the fly swatter, which, of course, is apparently on loan to the Smithsonian currently, because I sure as fuck couldn't find the fucking thing. So now, I had a serious conundrum: do I just let these fuckers live, in spite of their willful and obviously evil and malicious disdain for Jim/Spider protocols, do I risk further injury by climbing up on the tub to extinguish their dark inner light, or do I just admit defeat and retreat, metaphorically matted and filthy tail between legs, to bathe another day?
Obviously, even though I am at this point but a mere shell of the man I was only weeks ago, I am bound by the rules of manhood to engage the enemy, so I steeled myself, wadded up some TeePee (as a plumber and amateur arachnasassin, I strongly recommend Scott brand tissue for optimal system performance and fucking spider eradication), and precariously clambered up onto the tub, studiously avoiding the radio, toaster, and broken shards of glass randomly arrayed around the enclosure, and went forth to do battle.
The first enemy fought valiantly and well, as ultimately he escaped the iron clutches of my grasp. Alas!, I was able to inflict mortal injury, and he fell into the water only to flounder ineffectually whilst I was able to turn to his still able-bodied ally. Well, first I had to climb back up, because, of course, I had to briefly flee the vicinity when I realized I hadn't fully smooshed him at first contact, but I digress. I was still ready to fight for my right to a spider-free bathroom; thus, I leapt back into the fray. Fortunately, the second fucker was dispatched quickly and quietly by my deft and dangerous flailings, whereupon I then dismounted the tub and fished out my mortally injured (but still dangerous!) POW. Upon reflection, I decided to disregard the Geneva Convention as they obviously made their hostile incursion without any provocation on my part, and hey, nobody else honors the Geneva Convention nowadays, so why should I? So I flushed them, which, all things considered, was more honorable than the alternative, which was defiling and impaling their fucking remains on pins for all their brethren to see.
Battle won, I quickly finished my personal cleansing regime, making like a Phreaked out Phish and getting the Phuck outta there, because who knows how many more of those little fuckers were there, biding their time, waiting for a shot at the champ? I didn't want to find out, at least not today, so I'm at least mostly clean, although I cut the fuck outta my neck since I was shaving in utter and complete haste, so they're probably happy about that. Whatever. I won.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find a bong and smoke it, thereby validating the experience.
There will always be a better ride out there. It's not the bike that bends, it's the rider. There is no spoon.
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Last edited by Farmboy69; 05-10-2008 at 03:26 AM.