Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the ever-growing Chicago Suburban markets:
"Oak Brook Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Nordstrom in the Oakbrook Center Mall. She comes with an assortment of Louis Vuitton handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Tinker and a McMansion house. Available with or without tummy tuck .
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with new 2007 Fair Oaks Ford Freestar Miniv an and Naperville Lightning Soccer Club team outfit. "Scullen Middle School Honor Student" bumper sticker included. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, a Crack Cocaine Lab Kit, and Waterburry Condo. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a
cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
This yuppie Barbie comes with both a BMW convertible and a Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. If you have to ask how much they cost you won't be able
to afford any of them.
This used doll comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt, and a "Tramp Stamp" lower back tattoo. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when he comes home drunk from The Crazy Rock. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker.
With collagen injected lips, a fresh nose-job, and plastic boobs, this Barbie wears a leopard print outf it and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining her " Hinsdale Center for the Arts" friends. Vicodin prescription and free pass to the detox center available.
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home and rented mobile home parking space at Vietzen Mobil Home Park.
"College of DuPage Barbie "
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two College of DuPage Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
"Bollingbrook Barbie "
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll, and can be picked-up at Tailgater's Sports Bar on Boughton Road . Optional accessories include a GED and 30 year old rundown townhouse in the famous Bolingbrook "Historic District" just east of the White Castle . Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
She's perfect in every way: comes alcohol-free and can quote a bible verse when you pull her pony tail. Matching Ken doll can be found at Diamonds Gentleman's Club in West Chicago - looking for a real woman.