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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:21 PM Thread Starter
 
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What an airline pilot would really say

Taken from: http://www.rd.com/your-america-inspi...icle75244.html

Welcome aboard. Our flying time this afternoon, not counting ground delays and holding patterns, will be two hours and thirty minutes.

Before we take off, I would like to apologize on behalf of this and every airline for the hassle you just endured at the security checkpoint. As is patently obvious to any reasonable person, the humiliating shoe removals, liquids ban, and pointy-object confiscations do little to make us safer.
Last year, 8,852 flights were stranded on the tarmac for more than 2 hours.

Unfortunately, the government insists that security theater, and not actual security, is in the nation's best interest. If it makes you feel any better, our crew had to endure the same screening as the passengers. Never mind that the baggage loaders, cleaners, caterers, and refuelers receive only occasional random screening. You can rest easy knowing that I do not have a pair of scissors or an oversize shampoo bottle anywhere in my carry-on luggage.

Just a moment.

Okay, well, as expected, we've received word of a ground stop. Our new estimated departure time is 90 minutes from now, subject to change arbitrarily, without warning.

And while we're waiting, let me explain that these sorts of delays (and it's not your imagination -- late arrivals and departures have doubled since 1995) result not only from our antiquated air traffic control system but also from too many planes flying into and out of overcrowded airports. Passengers demand frequency-you want lots of flights flying to lots of cities. But this can be self-defeating, because many of these flights will be late -- in some cases, very late. At airports near major cities like New York and Washington, D.C., the proliferation of small jets has added to the congestion. They make up nearly 50 percent of planes at some of our busiest airports yet carry only a fraction of overall passengers. This inefficient use of air and ground space is one reason we will be sitting here for the next hour and a half.

Once we're airborne, flight attendants will be coming around with food and beverages for sale. I know many of you are irritated that an in-flight meal now costs $7 -- on top of the $25 you just paid for an extra checked bag. Unfortunately, with oil prices skyrocketing and jets requiring as much fuel as ever (a coast-to-coast flight takes 8,000 gallons), it's impossible for us to provide luxurious service and rock-bottom fares at the same time. We know that most of you are miserable and that you long ago learned to despise every aspect of air travel. But try, if you can, not to take your frustrations out on other passengers or the crew. The overall surly vibe is unpleasant for us too. And ridiculous as this might sound, look on the bright side.

Yes, there is a bright side: more choices and surprisingly reasonable fares. Domestically, you can now fly between almost any two airports in the country with, at worst, a single stopover. Internationally, transoceanic routes have fragmented, allowing people to fly direct from smaller hubs in the United States to points in Europe, Asia, Latin America, and elsewhere. Nobody enjoys holding patterns or sitting on a tarmac, but in earlier days, the overall journey would have taken longer-and cost more.

It's true that fares have risen sharply of late, but if they seem especially pricey, that's partly because they remained so cheap for so long, with many carriers selling tickets below cost. Fares in 2006 were averaging 12 percent lower than in 2000, despite a 150 percent rise in jet-fuel costs.

Current fares cost about what they did in the 1980s. And let's not forget that flying is much safer than it was in the past. Globally, there are twice as many planes carrying twice as many people as there were a quarter century ago. Although the raw total of crashes has risen, accidents are way down as a percentage of total flights.

I am well aware that airlines have become pariahs of the postindustrial economy. But it's rarely acknowledged that despite recurrent fiscal crises, major staffing and technology problems, and constant criticism from the public, our carriers have managed to maintain a mostly reliable, affordable, and safe transportation system.

Hang in there, and our crew will let you know if and when our plane might actually take off. In the meantime, those $7 sandwiches are actually pretty good.
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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:27 PM
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you have no idea some of things I've wanted to say over the PA to the passengers...
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:29 PM
 
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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sku110ne View Post
you have no idea some of things I've wanted to say over the PA to the passengers...
Who do you fly for?
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:37 PM
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why was he using words, passengers are cattle. fat stinky loud obnoxious cattle. the pilot should just be saying "MoooooooooooooooOOOoOoooooooooooooo"

Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest - Denis Diderot
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:46 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAGuy View Post
Who do you fly for?
American Eagle out of O'Hare on the CRJ-700

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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Sku110ne View Post
American Eagle out of O'Hare on the CRJ-700

Small world, I flew for AE for 6 years. Say hi to Ed Simon for me.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 12:54 PM
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Small world, I flew for AE for 6 years. Say hi to Ed Simon for me.
no thanks

+1 for small world

so lemme guess, you either quit cuz you couldn't upgrade or went somewhere else?
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
 
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You're better off flying 172's. No security check points and I even got my gun on last time!
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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:08 PM
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You're better off flying 172's. No security check points and I even got my gun on last time!
I get my gun on EVERY time
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BIGGY View Post
You're better off flying 172's. No security check points and I even got my gun on last time!
LOL 310s FTW.

It could always be worse though I guess, we could go back to government regulated air travel.

Lord, beer me strength

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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Flying_Hellfish View Post
LOL 310s FTW.

It could always be worse though I guess, we could go back to government regulated air travel.
I flew 310's and 421's for a while back in my charter days

great planes
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Sku110ne View Post
so lemme guess, you either quit cuz you couldn't upgrade or went somewhere else?
Neither, I got fired for flying drunk
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:37 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustAGuy View Post
Neither, I got fired for flying drunk
so eva said fuck it, come fly a bigger plane!

Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest - Denis Diderot
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:39 PM
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so eva said fuck it, come fly a bigger plane!

wat he said
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post #16 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:39 PM
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My sentiments exactly. I feel like the airlines do a pretty good job considering what they have to work with. So far this year very few of my flights have been significantly delayed and, frankly, I feel like the airlines staff are actually very happy to be doing their jobs and are happy to have me on board. I hear tons of people bitch bitch bitching about air travel and I really truly deep down believe that none of that bitching should go towards the airlines. My biggest complaints are (1) TSA inconsistencies (2) TSA stupid nonsensical rules, and (3) and other passengers who feel like when they leave their homes they can leave manners and courtesy behind.
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post #17 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 01:58 PM
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(3) and other passengers who feel like when they leave their homes they can leave manners and courtesy behind.
this is the biggest PITA right now...everyone thinks they deserve 5 star treatment for a 1 star price tag, and it gives them the right the swear and abuse anyone who won't give them what they want...

just last week, going from chicago to nassau

this lady boards late, bitchin and moaning as she got on, then complains why her huge ass suitcase HAS to go into cargo, and why won't it fit on the plane...just on and on and on...

then we get on our way and start cruisin...and like every ten minutes the flight attendants are calling to turn up the heat...finally when the temp in back is 90F, we ask them wtf is going on?

this same lady keeps complaining it's cold, and wants a blanket

"maam we don't carry blankets anymore"

"well I have one in my suitcase IF I COULD HAVE BROUGHT IT ON BOARD I'D FUCKING HAVE IT"

finally she gets so cold she's complaining she's gonna pass out (tho she's not shivering) and then demands that we land the plane so she can get a blanket...seriously...

I told the FA to tell her to look out the window...see all the blue stuff down there...that's the ocean...next stop is nassau in 45 minutes

so she keeps bitching, and asks the FA what will the FA do if she passes out from the cold

the flamingly asian gay male FA's response, "honey, we'll put you right next to anna nicole smith when we get to nassau"

so we get on the ground at nassau, and now she demands to see some paramedics...so we have them ready at the gate...I'm so sick of this lady, I crank the AC up all the way...she thought it was cold before...wait til it's blowing -10F out of the vents

she gets off the plane (where the temp in nassau is actually COOLER than inside the plane) and goes over to the medics which check her out...

come to find out she's on SEVEN different medications, and supposedly it makes her cold...the paramedics said there was nothing wrong with her medically...now mentally they couldn't verify
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post #18 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 02:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sku110ne View Post
this is the biggest PITA right now...everyone thinks they deserve 5 star treatment for a 1 star price tag,
You know what? I don't believe I deserve anything more than my ass in a seat and a simple "hello, welcome aboard." But what I actually DO get IS five-star treatment, IMO. Someone welcomes me aboard, thanks me for flying with them, apologizes for delays, serves me a drink with a smile, boots the unruly drunk sitting next to me... all that is stuff they do not HAVE to do yet they do it, and continue to do it even though those people are under the constant stress that their job might be gone tomorrow. Five-star tretment isn't a freaking foot rub while I'm flying, it's the appreciation that I am there-- and so long as I have that (which I do) I'm happy.

Seriously, if passengers just prepared ahead of time for their trip, adhered to the rules and guildelines, and then STFU, air travel would be enjoyable. It's passengers more than anything else. Douchebag passengers, FTMFL.
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post #19 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 02:25 PM
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I'm glad you've been getting good service. The first two weeks of this month, with all the rain and thunderstorms, have made it very hard to be pleasant to passengers...

I have not heard the F-word so many times by people this month, or bitched at because I can't control the weather
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post #20 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 02:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sku110ne View Post
I'm glad you've been getting good service. The first two weeks of this month, with all the rain and thunderstorms, have made it very hard to be pleasant to passengers...

I have not heard the F-word so many times by people this month, or bitched at because I can't control the weather
Things I don't get mad at:
-weather (no one can control it)
-screaming infants (no one can control it)
-reasonable delays (these things happen)
-lack of overhead storage space (I will eventually get my luggage back, so why bitch?)

I fly American exclusively-- and don't get me wrong, I've had my share of gripes (including the time I got groped by my seatmate and then told I wasn't allowed to be re-seated) but I STILL stand firm to the fact that their service has been excellent as of late and their staff goes the extra mile to be courteous and consistent to passegners. In short, they are controlling the thigns they CAN control, and really that is the best you can do.
They don't know me from adam when I sit down-- they don't know if I'm Exec Plat or Gold or someone who's never flown before. I smile and say hi, and that is all I need to ensure a decent flight.
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post #21 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 02:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ill_ag View Post
Things I don't get mad at:
-weather (no one can control it)
-screaming infants (no one can control it)
-reasonable delays (these things happen)
-lack of overhead storage space (I will eventually get my luggage back, so why bitch?)

I fly American exclusively-- and don't get me wrong, I've had my share of gripes (including the time I got groped by my seatmate and then told I wasn't allowed to be re-seated) but I STILL stand firm to the fact that their service has been excellent as of late and their staff goes the extra mile to be courteous and consistent to passegners. In short, they are controlling the thigns they CAN control, and really that is the best you can do.
They don't know me from adam when I sit down-- they don't know if I'm Exec Plat or Gold or someone who's never flown before. I smile and say hi, and that is all I need to ensure a decent flight.
now if we can get the other 75% to be like you
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post #22 of 22 (permalink) Old 06-19-2008, 02:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sku110ne View Post
now if we can get the other 75% to be like you
From what I hear talking to people, frequent fliers feel the same way I do. We all just wish that the airlines would adjust their seating policies and adhere to this strictly:
-frequent/business travelers in front
-people with young children/families in the middle
-newbie travelers next
-giant traveling groups of high schoolers in the way back

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