Ok this is priceless
This has to be the funnest thing i have found on ebay
I hate to say it, but I think the time has come. What time, do you ask? Time to place another hex on the lowly Chicago Cubs. Granted, I've only suffered through 30 useless seasons of our "loveable" north-siders, but I've taken all I can take.
Last night I watched the best-hitting team in baseball spend 6 and 2/3 innings swinging at pitches in the dirt. I'm sorry, but professional athletes should be able to watch what's going on and adjust. Carlos Zambrano did, and he WALKED his first time up to the plate. The PITCHER walked! Why? Because he made the adjustment.
Last night I watched professional athletes, some of the best fielders in the major-leagues, bobble balls like a 9-year-old's little league team. They BACKED UP from batted balls. What do you think is going to happen when you do that? It's fielding 101, and you learn it IN LITTLE LEAGUE!
Last night I watched (hopefully for the last time) millions of hearts break because of the combined ineptitude of over-paid professional athletes. Maybe it wasn't ineptitude. Maybe it wasn't even lazy play. Maybe these men just don't care. They certainly didn't play like they care. They played like they were afraid of it. They played like they wanted to lose. Let me say that again. They played like they WANTED to lose.
So, I have a proposition. In the interest of sparing my emotions from one more gut-wrenching season, I am auctioning off my loyalty to the Chicago Cubs. Now, since I realize that seems somewhat fatalistic, I will also make the provision that I will accept bids from ANYONE, even Cubs fans. That means that my loyalty will go to the highest bidder, even if that means I have to get my guts scooped out every year for the rest of my life (as a result of a winning Cubs bid).
Selfish? Childish? A stone-cold publicity stunt? Not quite. I will not personally take possession of ANY of the funds. The winning bid will be accepted by me on behalf of two non-profit theatre organizations in Minneapolis, MN, whose mission is to provide accessible entertainment to low-income households; The Cromulent Shakespeare Company, and Prufrock Theatre. The owner of the winning bid will receive a receipt for their tax-deductible donation.
Here's how it will work:
1. My goal is to hex the Cubs for another 100 years for their cruel treatment of their fans. Therefore, I will accept bids from fans of any team. If no Cubs fan can beat their bid, I will relinquish my fandom of the Chicago Cubs FOREVER. I will never wear Cubs paraphernalia, or watch their games, or root for them again.
2. I will show loyalty to my new team in the following ways. I will burn my Cubs paraphernalia (admittedly not much at this point - a couple hats and a Sammy Sosa figurine). I will buy hats and jerseys of the new team and, whenever they come to play the Twins, I will show up to at least one game per series and scream like crazy for them.
3. Proceeds will go 100% to the two theatre companies mentioned above. The owner of the winning bid will be given two lifetime passes to every show these two companies perform, and when they travel to Minneapolis to see the shows, I will personally escort them to dinner and the performance. If the bid goes over $50,000.00, this will also include a foot wash & massage (not kidding).
4. This money will be used to make high quality theatre accessible to low-income households. The hex is aimed at over-paid, under-performing, "professional" athletes, not fans. The benefit far exceeds the loss.
I will not apologize for this decision. I'm doing this on behalf of people who have been screwed out of theatre by companies who charge too much to recognize they exist, and on behalf of Cubs fans who have been too loyal to know they deserve better. It pains me to do, but it needs to be done.
As an addendum to this auction, if anyone would like to make donations to The Cromulent Shakespeare Company prior to their deadline of December 1st, 2008, they can do so through their fiscal sponsor, Springboard for the Arts: http://www.springboardforthearts.org...ponsorship.asp
, click on "Make a Donation," at the bottom of the page. In the "Purpose" or "Item" line, they will want to write "the Cromulent Shakespeare Company."
Okay, let the bidding begin.
On Oct-07-08 at 05:58:16 PDT, seller added the following information:
1. You do not have to bid to donate. If you want to donate, see the link just above for Springboard.
2. When you bid, please message me and let me know what team you're representing.
On Oct-07-08 at 12:43:17 PDT, seller added the following information:
Right now, tripled213 has the winning bid for the Florida Marlins. I will update as frequently as I can, but this seems to be going pretty fast. If you wanted to bid, but that's out of your price range, please see the donations link and make a donation to Cromulent - Springboard will provide you with a receipt for your tax-deductible donation. Thanks!
On Oct-07-08 at 13:07:12 PDT, seller added the following information:
1176melissa has the Atlanta Braves.
On Oct-07-08 at 21:30:38 PDT, seller added the following information:
stan_56 has me as a Phillis fan. Keep 'em comin'!
On Oct-07-08 at 22:03:10 PDT, seller added the following information:
Shall I be a Yankees fan? cdoody2182 says so. (also, stan_56, I apologize that I didn't bold the Phillies like the other ones. I'll try to keep it consistent).