Finally... Funnies!!! - Chicagoland Sportbikes
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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 08-04-2003, 02:05 PM Thread Starter
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Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Posts: 8,030
Location: Think corn and pigs. Lots and lots of corn and pigs.
Sportbike: A Big Blue One, a threesome of Sexy Red Ones - and a Happy Yellow One!
Years Riding: Quarter century.
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Finally... Funnies!!!

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is. "Billy"

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; and third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Senator Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions.

First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan; second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office; third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House; fourth - why did the bell ring 20 minutes early; and fifth - what happened to Billy?"
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(Q) What do you call a smart blonde?
(A) A golden retriever.

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She married the day she graduated from high school and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband died. Yet again she remarried, and this time had 5 more children. And alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the good Lord above, giving thanks for this loving woman who fulfilled the commandment to "go forth and multiply."

At the end of his eulogy, the preacher said, "Thank you Lord, they are finally together."

Leaning over to speak with a neighbor, one mourner quietly asked, "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

The neighbor replied, "I think he means her legs
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A newspaper is a marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it's surprising there aren't more mistakes. When goofs pop off the page, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version:

* IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting
enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the
following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code"
should have read "pull rip cord."

* In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler
Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.

* In criticizing the political views of Patrick Buchanan, William
Bennett said, "It's a real us-and-them kind of thing," not, as we
reported, "It's a real S&M kind of thing."

* It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt
Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

* The sermon at the Presbyterian Church this coming Sunday will be
"There Are No Sects in Heaven." The subject was incorrectly printed in
yesterday's edition as "There is No Sex in Heaven."

* There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated
that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

* From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the
following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at
12:15 p.m." Please correct to read "12 noon."

* We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate
computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female
Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.

* In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously
identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

* There are two important corrections to the information in the update
on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the
program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is
experiential, not experimental.

* Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners'
clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.

* In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady
was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another
firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

* Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler's Mother,
not Hitler's, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in
trying to explain how this error occurred.

* Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr.
Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

* Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a
battle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that
the talk was given by a bottle-scarred hero.

* Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on
front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently
left out the word "sheep."

* In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of
jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken
salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

* The marriage of Miss Freda van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was
announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some proposed greeting cards to cover situations that Hallmark doesn't:

I always wanted To have someone to hold, Someone to love. After meeting you ...
(inside card) I changed my mind.

I must admit, You brought religion into my life
(inside card) I never believed in Hell...Until I met you.

As the days go by, I think how lucky I am
(inside card) That you're not here... To ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...
(inside card) Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Someday I hope to marry ... (inside card)
Someone other than you.

Happy birthday! You look great for your age
(inside card) Almost lifelike!

When we were together, You said you'd die for me.. .
(inside card) Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

We've been friends for a very long time...
(inside card) What do you say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you...
(inside card) It's almost like you're still here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(inside card) Did you ever find out who the father was?

You are such a good friend if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ...
(inside card) I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday. . . .
(inside card) So we're having you put to sleep.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia).

Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder ...
(inside card) What was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!. . .
(inside card) Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you
(inside card) Have such an ugly baby?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A lonely spinster, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED, MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. The woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman beamed a broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Kim
CCS AM #815 - the cute, fuzzy, yellow, spoiled-rotten half of Team Duc Tape!
I break stuff
Duck, duck, duck, GUZ!
KBOlsen is offline  
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 08-04-2003, 02:30 PM
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
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Finally some good funnies!!!!

MeggysGixxer is offline  
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